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BFGUITAR
12-10-2007, 09:23 PM
Anyone know any? Heres one!

So a neutron walks into a bar and sits in front of the bartender who happened to be a proton. The neutron asks "How much for a beer?". The proton replies "For you? No charge!".

The neutron asks "Are you sure?". The proton says "positive!"

BigCorey75
12-10-2007, 09:41 PM
a Physicist is in a hotel room and his lamp catches on fire, he works out some quick calculations and once he has determined the right amount of water to put out the fire, he filled up a cup with the appropiate amount and put out the fire and went to sleep


An Engineer was in a hotel room and his lamp caught on fire, he did some calculations and figured out how much water was needed, then filled up a bucket and dumped twice as much needed to put out the fire and went to sleep


A mathematician was in a hotel room and a lamp caught on fire, he worked out some calcualtions and once he had proof that a solution existed, he went back to sleep..

CleverName
12-10-2007, 09:56 PM
Your Mom is so dumb that she tried to minimize a 12 variable function to a minimal sum of products expression using a karnaugh map instead of the Quine-McCluskey Algorithm.

HahnB
12-10-2007, 10:37 PM
Your Mom is so dumb that she tried to minimize a 12 variable function to a minimal sum of products expression using a karnaugh map instead of the Quine-McCluskey Algorithm.

That was actually pretty funny.

BFGUITAR
12-10-2007, 11:14 PM
Your moma is s dumb she thought ammonia was a country.

BTW both of you, good jokes :D:alcoholic:

nhlfan
12-10-2007, 11:25 PM
www.xkcd.com

Built
12-11-2007, 01:31 AM
Your Mom is so dumb that she tried to minimize a 12 variable function to a minimal sum of products expression using a karnaugh map instead of the Quine-McCluskey Algorithm.

Now them's FIGHTING words, son... ;)

This was awesome!

Cirino83
12-11-2007, 07:36 AM
anything by Bill Nye the Science Guy was corny as hell.

GuitarGuru
12-11-2007, 07:53 AM
My friend just saw a lecture by Bill Nye at UF not too long ago and she said it was boring as hell and he was kinda in a bad mood. I thought that was funny.

tigo
12-11-2007, 08:40 AM
Your Mom is so dumb that she tried to minimize a 12 variable function to a minimal sum of products expression using a karnaugh map instead of the Quine-McCluskey Algorithm.

i feel dumb
:micro:

Hatred
12-11-2007, 09:45 AM
Little Billy was a chemist, but Billy is no more...for what he thought was h2o was H2So4.

BigCorey75
12-11-2007, 10:21 AM
Classic fresh prince of bel air, thank you Hatred.....lol

BBB
12-11-2007, 10:51 AM
A mathematician, a biologist and a physicist are sitting in a street cafe watching people going in and coming out of the house on the other side of the street.

First they see two people going into the house. Time passes. After a while they notice three persons coming out of the house.

The physicist: "The measurement wasn't accurate."
The biologists: "They have reproduced".
The mathematician: "If now exactly one person enters the house then it will be empty again."

BBB
12-11-2007, 10:51 AM
A mathematician and an engineer attend a lecture by a physicist. The topic concerns Kulza-Klein theories involving physical processes that occur in spaces with dimensions of 9, 12 and even higher. The mathematician is sitting, clearly enjoying the lecture, while the engineer is frowning and looking generally confused and puzzled. By the end the engineer has a terrible headache. At the end, the mathematician comments about the wonderful lecture.

The engineer says "How do you understand this stuff?"
Mathematician: "I just visualize the process."
Engineer: "How can you visualize something that occurs in 9-dimensional space?"
Mathematician: "Easy, first visualize it in N-dimensional space, then let N go to 9."

BBB
12-11-2007, 10:53 AM
The Dictionary: what mathematics professors say and what they mean by it

Clearly: I don't want to write down all the "in-between" steps.
Trivial: If I have to show you how to do this, you're in the wrong class.
It can easily be shown: No more than four hours are needed to prove it.
Check for yourself: This is the boring part of the proof, so you can do it on your own time.
Hint: The hardest of several possible ways to do a proof.
Brute force: Four special cases, three counting arguments and two long inductions.
Elegant proof: Requires no previous knowledge of the subject matter and is less than ten lines long.
Similarly: At least one line of the proof of this case is the same as before.
Two line proof: I'll leave out everything but the conclusion, you can't question 'em if you can't see 'em.
Briefly: I'm running out of time, so I'll just write and talk faster.
Proceed formally: Manipulate symbols by the rules without any hint of their true meaning.
Proof omitted: Trust me, It's true.

BBB
12-11-2007, 10:53 AM
How mathematicians do it...

Combinatorists do it as many ways as they can.
Combinatorists do it discretely.
(Logicians do it) or [not (logicians do it)].
Logicians do it by symbolic manipulation.
Algebraists do it in groups.
Algebraists do it in a ring.
Algebraists do it in a field.
Analysts do it continuously.
Real analysts do it almost everywhere.
Pure mathematicians do it rigorously.
Topologists do it openly.
Topologists do it on rubber sheets.
Dynamicists do it chaotically.
Mathematicians do it forever if they can do one and can do one more.

Cantor did it diagonally.
Fermat tried to do it in the margin, but couldn't fit it in.
Galois did it the night before.
Möbius always does it on the same side.
Markov does it in chains.
Newton did it standing on the shoulders of giants.
Turing did it but couldn't decide if he'd finished.

BBB
12-11-2007, 10:54 AM
An engineer, a chemist and a mathematician are staying in three adjoining cabins at an old motel. First the engineer's coffee maker catches fire. He smells the smoke, wakes up, unplugs the coffee maker, throws it out the window, and goes back to sleep.

Later that night the chemist smells smoke too. He wakes up and sees that a cigarette butt has set the trash can on fire. He says to himself, "Hmm. How does one put out a fire? One can reduce the temperature of the fuel below the flash point, isolate the burning material from oxygen, or both. This could be accomplished by applying water." So he picks up the trash can, puts it in the shower stall, turns on the water, and, when the fire is out, goes back to sleep.

The mathematician, of course, has been watching all this out the window. So later, when he finds that his pipe ashes have set the bedsheet on fire, he is not in the least taken aback. He says: "Aha! A solution exists!" and goes back to sleep.

Hatred
12-11-2007, 11:36 AM
Classic fresh prince of bel air, thank you Hatred.....lol

Classic 4th grade science class actually. That was on Fresh Prince? Even Better!

BigCorey75
12-11-2007, 11:59 AM
yeah...


Will: yeah im trying to study man, this chemistry **** is getting to me


Carlton: its simple and fun will just make it a fun rhyme, billy was a fun good boy but billy is no more, cause what he thought was H2O was H2SO4



i think i may have seen that show a little too much....lol

whiteman90909
12-11-2007, 04:16 PM
A mushroom asked out a carrot on a date. She said no, to which the mushroom replied "come on, I'm a fun-gi".

Rusty
12-11-2007, 04:41 PM
There are 10 kinds of people in the world. Those who understand binary, and those who don't.

Invain
12-11-2007, 04:48 PM
A mushroom asked out a carrot on a date. She said no, to which the mushroom replied "come on, I'm a fun-gi".

Fixed?

BFGUITAR
12-11-2007, 05:51 PM
There are 10 kinds of people in the world. Those who understand binary, and those who don't.

Hahaha nice!

VikingWarlord
12-11-2007, 05:53 PM
Obey gravity. It's the law.

Songsangnim
12-11-2007, 07:39 PM
The Three Laws of Science.


If it's green and wiggles----it's biology


If it stinks-----it's chemistry


If it doesn't work----it's physics

Phenom
12-11-2007, 07:57 PM
"A pictures worth a thousand words...or a kiloword"

Kinda lame, one of my professors said it one day and I thought it was pretty funny.

Runty
12-11-2007, 08:00 PM
To the pessimist the glass is half empty.

To the optimist the glass is half full.

To the engineer the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

BFGUITAR
12-11-2007, 09:04 PM
I saw this really funny pic once.

At the bottom it read "Billy and his friends love to experiment with drugs and alcohol when his parents leave"

And theres a picture of him and his friends in lab coats titrating haha.

BFGUITAR
12-11-2007, 09:06 PM
My teacher said this lame one.

"When electrons get a specific amount of energy they become excited and can give off light. Its kind of like drinking a beer, it takes a certain amount of beers before your face gives off red light".

He said it like that, he cant speak english well so I translated it lol.

SpecialK
12-11-2007, 11:10 PM
A graduate student of mathematics who used to come to the university on foot every day arrives one day on a fancy new bicycle. "Where did you get the bike from?" his friends want to know."It's a `thank you' present", he explains, "from that freshman girl I've been tutoring. But the story is kind of weird..." "Tell us!" "Well", he starts, "yesterday she called me on the phone and told me that she had passed her math final and that she wanted to drop by to thank me in person. As usual, she arrived at my place riding her bicycle. But when I had let her in, she suddenly took all her clothes off, lay down on my bed, smiled at me, and said: `You can get from me whatever you desire!'"

One of his friends remarks: "You made a really smart choice when you took the bicycle."

"Yeah", another friend adds, "just imagine how silly you would have looked in girls clothes - and they wouldn't have fit you anyway!"

BigCorey75
12-12-2007, 10:53 AM
now that was funny if i do say so myself......lol

MJay
12-14-2007, 09:56 AM
How many Newtons does it take to kill a man?
1000



-A KiloNewton

Guitar90
12-14-2007, 04:19 PM
Outside his buckyball home, one molecule overheard another molecule saying, "I'm positive that a free electron once stripped me of an electron after he lepton me. You gotta keep your ion them."

Q: What is the chemical symbol for diarrhea?
A: (CO(NH2)2)2

At the end of the semester, a 10th-grade chemistry teacher asked her students what was the most important thing that they learned in lab. A student promptly raised his hand and said, "Never lick the spoon."

And the créme de la créme:
Q: Where does bad light end up?
A: In a prism.

deeder
12-14-2007, 04:23 PM
Outside his buckyball home, one molecule overheard another molecule saying, "I'm positive that a free electron once stripped me of an electron after he lepton me. You gotta keep your ion them."

Q: What is the chemical symbol for diarrhea?
A: (CO(NH2)2)2

At the end of the semester, a 10th-grade chemistry teacher asked her students what was the most important thing that they learned in lab. A student promptly raised his hand and said, "Never lick the spoon."

And the créme de la créme:
Q: Where does bad light end up?
A: In a prism.

I don't get it???

sCaRz*Of*PaiN
12-14-2007, 04:38 PM
There are three kinds of people in this world. Those who can count, and those who can't.



I don't get it???prism = prison

Har har.

I'm not going to explain the rest. :idea:

WBBIRL
12-14-2007, 05:53 PM
Outside his buckyball home, one molecule overheard another molecule saying, "I'm positive that a free electron once stripped me of an electron after he lepton me. You gotta keep your ion them."

Q: What is the chemical symbol for diarrhea?
A: (CO(NH2)2)2

At the end of the semester, a 10th-grade chemistry teacher asked her students what was the most important thing that they learned in lab. A student promptly raised his hand and said, "Never lick the spoon."

And the créme de la créme:
Q: Where does bad light end up?
A: In a prism.

Thats what deeder doesn't understand... as well as myself.

I think we both understood the other jokes.

deeder
12-14-2007, 06:44 PM
Thats what deeder doesn't understand... as well as myself.

I think we both understood the other jokes.

Indeed :D

deeder
12-14-2007, 06:45 PM
There are three kinds of people in this world. Those who can count, and those who can't.

There are 10 types of people in the world. Those who know binary and those who don't.

sCaRz*Of*PaiN
12-14-2007, 07:07 PM
There are 10 types of people in the world. Those who know binary and those who don't.Yeah...that's already been said. Just felt like posting one I saw earlier that was a bit different. :whip:

Invain
12-14-2007, 07:18 PM
You're supposed to say "two, two two", making it sound like farting??

No clue what else it could be.

Altephor
12-14-2007, 07:28 PM
You're supposed to say "two, two two", making it sound like farting??

No clue what else it could be.



Sigh.. (CO(NH2)2) is the formula for urea. (CO(NH2)2)2 would be two of them.. or... di-urea.

deeder
12-14-2007, 07:54 PM
Yeah...that's already been said. Just felt like posting one I saw earlier that was a bit different. :whip:
Hmmm... Note to self... read whole thread :p


Sigh.. (CO(NH2)2) is the formula for urea. (CO(NH2)2)2 would be two of them.. or... di-urea.

Wow... You'd have to be super-uber-ultra-nerd to know that one!!!

sCaRz*Of*PaiN
12-14-2007, 11:12 PM
Wow... You'd have to be super-uber-ultra-nerd to know that one!!!Knowing the chemical make up of piss is in itself quite creepy. I'm glad nobody got that one. :scratch:

Invain
12-14-2007, 11:33 PM
Sigh.. (CO(NH2)2) is the formula for urea. (CO(NH2)2)2 would be two of them.. or... di-urea.

Lol, wow I was wayyyy off.

Guitar90
12-15-2007, 03:50 AM
Thanks Altephor. Not long after I posted it I went to bed so I couldn't explain it myself. xD

Blanche_Soprano
12-15-2007, 10:14 PM
How about math pick up lines that I learned in physics and during my brief stint as a math major?


Add you and me together, divide your legs, subtract our clothes, and let's multiply!

Hey baby, I wish I was your derivative so I could lie tangent to your curves.

I don't know if you're in my range, but I'd sure like to take you home to my domain.

I'll take you to your limit if you show me your end behavior.

I'll take you to the limit as x approaches infinity.

Euclid said that two parallel planes don’t touch. Let’s go back to my room and study some non-Euclidean geometry.

Can I plug my solution into your equation?

Huygens’ favorite curves were cycloids, but my favorite curves are yours.

RedSpikeyThing
12-16-2007, 07:25 AM
Blanche wins. :thumbup:

Sigh.. (CO(NH2)2) is the formula for urea. (CO(NH2)2)2 would be two of them.. or... di-urea.

bahahahahaha that's awesome. Too bad I needed someone to explain it :(