Start your own religion!

[David]

Did you ever think about starting your own religion?

Well, now you can! :idea:

Click here. (http://www.cryptoclast.org/Opinion/religion/create/index.htm)

[David]

OK, here is what I came up with. :)

New Religion Creation
'Old Testament'

In the beginning God created the squat and the internet. The internet was without cable and porn. Then God said let there be high speed internet and there was high speed internet. And God saw the high speed internet, that it was fast. On the 6th day God created the first man, TripleP. And God saw TripleP, that he was strong and sexy and funny. God then took one of TripleP's facial hairs and made the first woman, a really muscular hottie. And God said you shall not eat of the tree of high sugar fruit for if you do you shall surely get banned. But unfortunately a wily female tricked a really muscular hottie into eating of the tree of high sugar fruit while God wasn't looking. He eventually found out and kicked them out of the garden. TripleP and a really muscular hottie then had two sons, Cane and Able. Cane was a lover of smith machine squats, while Able was a herder of penguins . Cane then gave God an offering of inferior supplements and Able gave Him an offering of Thermocin. But God really preferred the Thermocin so Cane nonchalantly smacked Able in the fields. For that God cursed Cane to love smith machine squats forever.

:bow: :bow: :bow:

I think there's a lesson to be learned from all of this...

[Teufelhund]

NEW AGE

From the most well-muscled regions of the spiritual plane, I have channeled the disembodied spirit of Scott Klein, bringing to you the wisdom and biceps of the lost city of Venice Beach. To usher in the New Age of quads you must heed my words and squat insanely deep. The time is soon when the space treadmills of our galactic cousins will return and our collective vascularness will reach critical mass. The highest frequencies of the universe will spiral through the pectoral chakras of the worthy, and our 3rd leg shall be opened. But first we must look deep inside and accept our inner 45lb plate. We must feel the inner 45lb plate, become the inner 45lb plate, lift it as though it was a feather. We must accept our karmic past, and, as our yogi master, Casey, always says 'The true form of a barbell is actually a herculean dumbell , but enlightenment is like a monstrous shoulder on the wind'. For there is no right or wrong, no curl-jockey or anti-curl-jockey, only one great and omnipresent physique.

[Teufelhund]

wow, that was so much more fun than working! :)

[David]

What is this "work" you speak of?

BTW which religion type did you pick?

[Teufelhund]

lol, work - you know... where you go every day for the REALLY high speed internet access. :p

I picked New Age.

[JTyrell710]

From the most sexy regions of the spiritual plane, I have channeled the disembodied spirit of rick james, bringing to you the wisdom and cocaine of the lost city of compton. To usher in the New Age of homies you must heed my words and jumped quickly. The time is soon when the space penises of our galactic cousins will return and our collective hotness will reach critical mass. The highest frequencies of the universe will spiral through the head chakras of the worthy, and our 3rd arm shall be opened. But first we must look deep inside and accept our inner plate. We must feel the inner plate, become the inner plate, talk it as though it was a phone. We must accept our karmic past, and, as our yogi master, JT, always says 'The true form of a drugs is actually a shoot AK-47 , but enlightenment is like a funny cup on the wind'. For there is no right or wrong, no bottle or anti-bottle, only one great and omnipresent beer.

[Relentless]

New Religion Creation
'New Testament'

To her husband's surprise the Virgin ElPietro was pregnant with child. Fortunately for Virgin ElPietro, an angel explained that her child was ectx Christ, the world's lord and animal masturbator, the glorious cousin of God. At his birth angels told shepherds in the field to follow a shining 45-lb plate to find him. Also, three bitter curl jockeys came bearing gifts of thongs and grommets. Yea verily, and it came to pass, after ectx Christ was baptized by being submerged in pasta he gave the sermon on the havarti cheese. At the sermon on the havarti cheese ectx Christ taught: Blessed are the spoonlike for they shall hump the townships, and really, really ghey are the jotolike for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. ectx Christ also performed many miracles such as when he turned hamburgers into tubs of Nitrean at his friend's wedding, and made the skanky man not so skanky. Unfortunately the rulers became angry with the influence of ectx Christ, So they shackled him without a penis . But someday he will return in magnificent glory... So tithe and watch your back!!

[pusher]

^ ^^ROTFLMAO!!! :D classic

[Gyno Rhino]

In the holy city of WBB lived a righteous and massive man named; Hulk. Hulk was so righteous and massive that God gave him instructions on how to build a Supra, and a magic dildo to help bring Hulk to America. The trip was long and the Supra was scummy, but they eventually reached the New World. Hulk's offspring then became two tribes. And these tribes did prosper and prancing. Then Gyno Rhino Christ came and said 'skanky is the rectum and philosophically is the frisbee which leads unto heaven.' But the people didn't understand and became exceedingly scary and wicked. Fortunately Mormon engraved the record of his scary people on violent dogs and buried them for Teh Mullet II to find.

The following must be added to your Old Testament as the Book of Abraham.
In the beginning God declared to Adam and Eve 'Go forth and ramming' so they had two sons, Cane and Able. Because God liked Able better, Cane killed him with a boot. When God found out he placed The Curse of salami on Cane and all of his offspring, turning their toes red. God also declared that they should be goat farmers of goat farmers. Because of The Curse of salami we are supposed to treat all people with red toes as scary goat farmers, until it becomes politically difficult.

[IdaMAN]

From the most pumped regions of the spiritual plane, I have channeled the disembodied spirit of IdaMAN, bringing to you the wisdom and strength of the lost city of Atlantis. To usher in the New Age of muscles you must heed my words and act quickly. The time is soon when the space monkeys of our galactic cousins will return and our collective hornyness will reach critical mass. The highest frequencies of the universe will spiral through the butt chakras of the worthy, and our 3rd shlong shall be opened. But first we must look deep inside and accept our inner rock. We must feel the inner rock, become the inner rock, imbrace it as though it was a statue. We must accept our karmic past, and, as our yogi master, YoMama, always says 'The true form of a god is actually a large penis , but enlightenment is like a god-like beast on the wind'. For there is no right or wrong, no creature or anti-creature, only one great and omnipresent body.

[ecliptic]

New Religion Creation
'Old Testament'

In the beginning God created the dog and the butt. The butt was without turtles and animal. Then God said let there be fence and there was fence. And God saw the fence, that it was good. On the 6th day God created the first man, Brian. And God saw Brian, that he was excellent. God then took one of Brian's toes and made the first woman, Henry. And God said you shall not eat of the grasshopper of tree for if you do you shall surely fight. But unfortunately a wily maggots tricked Henry into eating of the grasshopper of tree while God wasn't looking. He eventually found out and kicked them out of the garden. Brian and Henry then had two sons, Cane and Able. Cane was a eater of jews, while Able was a herder of horses. Cane then gave God an offering of ass penises and Able gave Him an offering of lanterns. But God really preferred the lanterns so Cane super destroyed Able in the fields. For that God cursed Cane to eat jews forever.

[Praetorian]

ha! I made my religion 3 years ago!! It's called 'Hasanism'. I even wrote a 60 page bible. :D The cornerstone of my religion is vodka w/lemon - which is referred to as the 'holy elixir' - and boobs! The two fundamental things a man needs.

I even handed it in to my Religions teacher at HS, and he was mighty impressed.

[Spartan936]

Atheist Faith Creation
'Atheist Text'

A fluctuation in the quantum bowel movement of the eternal multiverse initiated the beginning of our insane universe. We call this event The Big SCHWING!!!, and from it came all the matter and intricate Joe Pesci's we see today. From this matter and intricate Joe Pesci's, gravity coalesced UFO's which ignited in a burst of voodoo reactions. Eventually planets formed and began to bang passionately around these great flaming UFO's. On some of the planets the conditions were right for amino acids to form and whacked with Giraffes to make early life. Through a process of survival of the sexyest, more complicated organisms evolved, because the sexyest organisms are the ones most likely to pass on their Jesus to future generations. Giant freakish fish evolved and furiously ruled the earth, for millions of years. But they were killed when a mile long egg beater liqiufied our planet. Fortunately this event set the stage for the lowly Homer Simpsons to evolve into the proto-stupid people and finally into the humans of today.

Hey... I just did what it told me to do. I don't know what's going on. :scratch:

:zipit:

[Hatred]

New Religion Creation
'New Age Text'

From the most Unbemazing regions of the spiritual plane, I have channeled the disembodied spirit of Rick James, bringing to you the wisdom and Bitch of the lost city of Blubber Mountain. To usher in the New Age of Hizzoes you must heed my words and Defecate Forcefully. The time is soon when the space Meat Rockets of our galactic cousins will return and our collective putridness will reach critical mass. The highest frequencies of the universe will spiral through the knuckle chakras of the worthy, and our 3rd nutsockets shall be opened. But first we must look deep inside and accept our inner Duo. We must feel the inner Duo, become the inner Duo, nancing it as though it was a Brothel. We must accept our karmic past, and, as our yogi master, Jeffay, always says 'The true form of a Crackhouses is actually a fantastimal Nevermore creator of all things humiliating and wrong , but enlightenment is like a wrinkly bastard on the wind'. For there is no right or wrong, no boob or anti-boob, only one great and omnipresent Wombat.


I may need to go back to school.

[David]

Another one:

New Religion Creation
'New Testament'

To her husband's surprise the Virgin Misty May was pregnant with child. Fortunately for Virgin Misty May, an angel explained that her child was April Head Christ, the world's lord and stamp licker, the glorious sister-in-law's sister of God. At his birth angels told shepherds in the field to follow a shining cord to find him. Also, three slimey felines came bearing gifts of computers and light bulbs. Yea verily, and it came to pass, after April Head Christ was baptized by being submerged in toes he gave the sermon on the glasses. At the sermon on the glasses April Head Christ taught: Blessed are the purple for they shall pants the puppies, and soft are the tasty for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. April Head Christ also performed many miracles such as when he turned whips into protein powders at his friend's wedding, and made the hot man not so hot. Unfortunately the rulers became angry with the influence of April Head Christ, So they slapped him below a whig . But someday he will return in magnificent glory... So tithe and watch your back!!

[Fart Barker]

Atheist Faith Creation
'Atheist Text'

A fluctuation in the quantum television of the eternal multiverse initiated the beginning of our smelly universe. We call this event The Big IRON, and from it came all the matter and heavy turds we see today. From this matter and heavy turds, gravity coalesced dingleberries which ignited in a burst of tasty reactions. Eventually planets formed and began to fart quickly around these great flaming dingleberries. On some of the planets the conditions were right for amino acids to form and burp with boogers to make early life. Through a process of survival of the darkest, more complicated organisms evolved, because the darkest organisms are the ones most likely to pass on their boobies to future generations. Giant those cones evolved and slowly ruled the earth, for millions of years. But they were killed when a mile long banana was our planet. Fortunately this event set the stage for the lowly tree to evolve into the proto-paper and finally into the humans of today.

[David]

My last one didn't really make any sense which kind of surprised me.

I mean, when I was putting the words "whips", "stamp licker", and "puppies" into the different fields I thought it was going to turn out brilliant.

Are a lot of you atheists on here?