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_-_v_-_
09-07-2004, 08:33 AM
Preface:

I'm back.

Yes, this is a duplicate journal; yes, this is a new start; yes, I've said and done all this many times before. All these criticisms are indeed correct; they are valid and proper; and, guess what, for once I don't ****ing care :).

It is true that I have another journal, an older journal, one which dates back several years, in fact. So why, you may ask, am I writing here, wasting valuable server space, further cluttering a digitial realm already littered with the decaying detritus of a hundred lapsed lifters? Why am I not instead continuing an extant journal, showing further progress from where I started so many years ago? After all, isn't that the entire purpose of a journal: to show progress, to record a journey?

The answer, of course, is yes: that is indeed the raison d'etre of a journal. It is also precisely why I cannot bear to continue the one I started, the one I have recently let lapse into blessed oblivion. For too long, there has been no progress, no development, no improvement; there has only been futille flagellation, only regression. I have no great desire to end a journal having journeyed a negative distance -- I have no desire to record the ignominy of ending short of where I began. For that is precisely what I would be doing were I to resurrect my former journal. I'm weaker now than when I started it; I weigh significantly less, with a lower bodyfat; I'm far short of where I by all rights should be, had I treated my training in the proper fashion. That journal has become a nexus of frustration, a reminder of failure: it is nothing less than a record of how disturbed my thoughts, and my life, had become. I have no desire to be reminded of how I wasted -- yes, wasted -- four long years of my life beholden to an obsession. I have no desire to be reminded of how I sweated and suffered and slaved away for nothing -- for less than nothing, as I ended up weaker, more disturbed, more disordered, and more distracted, than I began. I have no desire to be reminded of how I ruined my life.

I need a fresh start, a new beginning. And this, of course, is only a small -- but nevertheless necessary and important -- part of it.

Goals:

Look no further than Belial's journal. His situation, when he began, was remarkably similarly to my own current situation. Yet to grow like he did I must eat like he did; I must realize, and -- for once in my goddamn life -- internalize, the fact that to build muscle one must EAT. My body is currrently starved for growth, primed for growth, ready and willing and yearning to grow. All I need to do is, for once, let it.

Day -3: Legs:

This is a record of my most recent leg workout, which occured three days prior to this posting. Hence I can't detail the diet portion of the journal, as at that time I had not yet acquired the courage/strength/conviction necessary to effect such a complete personal transformation.

Workout:

Deadlifts: 135 X 6; 185 X 4; 205 X 3; 205 X 2; 195 X 3; 195 X 2; 185 X 2

Leg Press: +270 X 6; +270 X 5; +270 X 4 + 3 post-failure
(Back Support Setting: Three stops from bottom)

Hack Squat: 180 X 5; 180 X 3

Single Leg Quad Extension: 50 X 4; 40 X 6

Double Leg Quad Extension Drop Set: 90 X 5, 80 X 3, 60 X 3.

Lying Leg Curl: 60 X 3; 50 X 6; 50 X 3

Seated Calf Raise: +75 X 5; +70 X 6; +70 X 4

Finished with two sets of leg press calf raises.

Stats::

Weight: 117
BF: 5%.

Diet:

N/A.

Day -1: Shoulders/Traps:

Workout:

BB Behind the Neck Press: 25 X 8; 95 X 1; 85 X 3; 85 X 2; 75 X 4; 75 X 3.

BB Hang Clean and Press: 75 X 2; 65 X 4; 65 X 3

Hang Clean: 75 X 2; 65 X 3; 65 X 3

Cable Lateral Raises: 15 X 6; 15 X 6; 15 X 4

BB Shrugs: 175 X 6; 175 X 5; 175 X 5

Upright Cable Rows: 65 X 4; 60 X 6

Diet:

N/A.

_-_v_-_
09-07-2004, 11:05 AM
Day 0: HIIT.

Workout: Stationary Lifecycle Variant (I don't recall which brand):

Warmup: 5 minutes, Level 5, 100 RPM.

Intervals: 45s / 15 s.
I1: Level (L) 6 / L11
I2: L6/L11
I3: L6/L11
I4: L6/L10
I5: L6/L10
I6: L6/L10
I7: L6/L9
I8: L6/L9
I9: L6/L9
I10: L6/L9
I11: L6/L8
I12: L6/L8
I13: L6/L8
I14: L6/L8

Cooldown: L5, 5 minutes, 90 RPM.

This constituted, of course, a substantial decrease from my previous HIIT capabilities. However, I think that the inclusion of HIIT (my favorite form of cardiovascular activity)to my training regimen will not only increase my overall fitness but also make it substantially easier for me to (psychologically) stomach the massive quantities of food I hope to be consuming.

Diet::

Goals: Everything in sight, dammit. Look at Belial, and what he had to do, when he was in a similar situation.

Actual Diet: (To be completed this evening.)

Thoughts: (Likewise to be completed this evening.)

debussy
09-07-2004, 03:49 PM
Just a question... why are you doing cardio if you want to bulk? I thought you had enough trouble getting the calories as it was.

ectx
09-07-2004, 04:05 PM
Preface:
.... and, guess what, for once I don't ****ing care :)...

I'd call that a good start.

:spam:
*hint: eat it*

Isaac Wilkins
09-07-2004, 04:10 PM
:cool:

Welcome to the land of the living.

_-_v_-_
09-07-2004, 04:56 PM
Just a question... why are you doing cardio if you want to bulk? I thought you had enough trouble getting the calories as it was.

Several reasons.

1) As an experiment, I'm attempting to bulk as healthfully and "lean-ly" as possible.

2) Plus, I enjoy the HELL out of HIIT.


I'd call that a good start.


*hint: eat it*

That's the intention, at least. We'll see how things go. I'm tired -- ****ing tired -- of doing worse than going nowhere.



Welcome to the land of the living.:

It's good to be back. It's damn good.

PowerManDL
09-07-2004, 05:42 PM
You leave the Culture out of this.

orbital
09-07-2004, 06:04 PM
Good luck with the bulk v. Is that a typo, 117 lbs? and 5%? you must be shredded to the core.

_-_v_-_
09-07-2004, 07:18 PM
You leave the Culture out of this.

LMAO. You might as well ask me to write sans circumlocution and excessive expostulation :).

Yeah. Or something.


Good luck with the bulk v. Is that a typo, 117 lbs? and 5%? you must be shredded to the core.

You could say that. I've always had a medium, athletic build -- I'm 5'7'' -- and have always, due to food allergies and a fast metabolism, been extremely lean. Hence my current -- well, for lack of a better word, emaciation.

There's quite a bit I want to write about, but I think I may wait until later to do so -- my parents are home, and it's time to BS a bit.

Manveet
09-07-2004, 07:28 PM
Preface:

I'm back.

Yes, this is a duplicate journal; yes, this is a new start; yes, I've said and done all this many times before. All these criticisms are indeed correct; they are valid and proper; and, guess what, for once I don't ****ing care :).

It is true that I have another journal, an older journal, one which dates back several years, in fact. So why, you may ask, am I writing here, wasting valuable server space, further cluttering a digitial realm already littered with the decaying detritus of a hundred lapsed lifters? Why am I not instead continuing an extant journal, showing further progress from where I started so many years ago? After all, isn't that the entire purpose of a journal: to show progress, to record a journey?

The answer, of course, is yes: that is indeed the raison d'etre of a journal. It is also precisely why I cannot bear to continue the one I started, the one I have recently let lapse into blessed oblivion. For too long, there has been no progress, no development, no improvement; there has only been futille flagellation, only regression. I have no great desire to end a journal having journeyed a negative distance -- I have no desire to record the ignominy of ending short of where I began. For that is precisely what I would be doing were I to resurrect my former journal. I'm weaker now than when I started it; I weigh significantly less, with a lower bodyfat; I'm far short of where I by all rights should be, had I treated my training in the proper fashion. That journal has become a nexus of frustration, a reminder of failure: it is nothing less than a record of how disturbed my thoughts, and my life, had become. I have no desire to be reminded of how I wasted -- yes, wasted -- four long years of my life beholden to an obsession. I have no desire to be reminded of how I sweated and suffered and slaved away for nothing -- for less than nothing, as I ended up weaker, more disturbed, more disordered, and more distracted, than I began. I have no desire to be reminded of how I ruined my life.

I need a fresh start, a new beginning. And this, of course, is only a small -- but nevertheless necessary and important -- part of it.


Wow, that was VERY well written, and honest. I can actually relate to a lot of what you wrote in that passage.

_-_v_-_
09-07-2004, 09:21 PM
Thanks, Manveet.

And I have so much more to say, so much more to write. Tonight, however, is not the time -- I can neither write nor think in the evening. I am, I'm sorry to say, very much a morning person.

JustinF
09-08-2004, 03:27 AM
Here's some more :spam: for you, eat up.

I don't recall your last journal, but welcome back. Stay motivated mang!

_-_v_-_
09-08-2004, 09:24 AM
Day 1:Back/Biceps/Abs:

Workout:

Chins: BW X 6; +35 X 3; +35 X 2; +25 X 4; +25 X 3; BW X 3; BW X 3

BB Rows: 85 X 5; 85 X 5

DB Rows: 45 X 5; 45 X 4; 45 X 3

T-Bar Rows: (Apparatus + 60) X 5; +60 X 4; +60 X 3, +55 X 3, +50 X 3, +45 X 3 (dropset)

EZ-Bar Curls: (Bar+50) X 3; (Bar+40)X4

Preacher EZ-Curls: (Bar+20) X 5 + 3 post-failure

DB Hammer Curls: 30 X 3; 30 X 3

Finished with two sets of cable crunches and two sets of hanging leg raises.
Diet: (To be updated later as well)

Thoughts:


Here's some more for you, eat up.

I don't recall your last journal, but welcome back. Stay motivated mang![

Thanks, Justin. I could certainly use the spam -- hell, at my weight, I could use a spam-coated fried-spam spamwich.

(What's a spamwhich, you ask? Easy: It's just like a sandwich, only with spam instead of bread.)

(Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go throw up now :) .)

Yesterday was certainly better than many of my previous days. I seem to have discovered the source of some of my difficulties, the wellspring of my sorrows, the fount of my discontents, etc... To an extent, being home certainly makes it easier, though right now I must admit that my parents have become unwitting facilitators of my disease. How so, you ask? It is very simple, unfortunately. Why unfortunately? Because the situation's very simplicity makes it difficult to remedy.

Allow me to explain. It is not that they are consciously engaged in doing anything to prolong my difficulties -- they do not belittle my physique, imply that I'm fat, shatter my fragile self-image still further, etc... -- but instead that they: A) are largely unaware of the truth of the matter; and B) cook meals in such a way as to prolong the eating habits I developed over the past four years.

The first case is actually less problematic, I believe. You see, I have never come clean to my parents; I have never made a complete confession of what I went through and what I had become. Consequently, though there was always an unspoken subtext to the compulsive "healthy eating habits" which they observed over the past four years (which persisted even in the presence of significant strength/muscle gains), they by and large accepted the rigidity of my diet as a mere personality quirk and did their best to tolerate it. And since I am right now attempting to remedy said rigidity, and to fix the underlying obsession which caused it, I do not think it necessarily significant that I kept so much hidden for so long: for if I am successful, I will soon have nothing to hide, and so they will have nothing to be unaware of.

It is the second case that has caused me more trouble, I have found; and while it is related to the first, in that its origins may be found there, it has become its own, seperate source of difficulty. Because my parents have grown accustomed to what I will and will not eat -- a very small selection of your typical bodybuilding foods (brown rice, sweet potatoes, lean meats either baked dry or grilled dry, olive oil, eggs, oatmeal, etc...) -- they no longer cook the meals I would gladly eat and enjoy when I was normal, and in fact they often make it far too easy for me cook my own meal. It is not that they cooked unhealthy meals before I became diseased -- far from it, as my mom is herself not without compulsions of her own, and was typically quite a healthful cook -- but that the meals they cook now merely perpetuate the same habits I'm trying to break. This is actually a source of quite a bit of discomfort and regret, honestly. My mother, for example, is a fantastic cook; and I, to my great sorrow, cannot count the number of times I've unintentionally hurt her feelings by being unwilling to eat what she prepared. The fact that I was so damn selfish, so damn unreasonable, so damn diseased -- one meal does not a body break, for God's sake -- is something I'll always regret, something for which I don't know if I can ever forgive myself. To have valued my own fatless frame more highly than my friends and family...to have loved my disordered, distorted reflection more than my own mother...god, what a heartless fool I was, what I selfish slave I've been....

In the words of Eliot: "After such knowledge, what forgiveness?"

More later. I have a gym to go to -- those weights won't lift themselves ,you know.

Chubrock
09-08-2004, 09:32 AM
Good luck with everything buddy. I can relate to a lot of what you said.

galileo
09-08-2004, 09:34 AM
[(Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go throw up now :) .)

That seems to be the only way I could fathom getting to 117lbs!

Aspect
09-08-2004, 10:12 AM
I too can partly relate to some of your anguish, though I don't believe I took matters as far as you did. I too passed up some wonderful cooking from a loving mother, and ate plain food instead in the (misguided) belief that it was beneficial. Hindsight shows that it wasn't, and of course I can't take back the words I spoke.

However, when I did come to my senses I was at least partly able to put things right. I spoke to my mother about diet and fitness, and explained that I had learned a lot and was restructuring my diet - in effect, relaxing it.

Perhaps you could try the same? Obviously I don't know your family, and therefore don't know how best you can approach matters, but perhaps if you made comments to the effect that, while your diet is still important to you and you wish to continue eating healthily, you've come to realise that "healthy eating" can include a wider variety of foods than you previously though. If you can subtly let her know that you appreciate what she did for you (in regards changing her cooking), but that you wouldn't be averse to eating her more diverse meals, you can probably get her to alter what she prepares for you while making her feel good.

The important thing is that you now know the mistakes you've made, and I doubt you'll repeat them. And the wonderful thing about loving parents is that they're very forgiving. So by all means remember how you feel now, but don't dwell on it - move on, tactfully inform your mother of your new outlook on food (obviously in such a way that she doesn't think you're criticising her current meals), and the job's a good 'un. And buy her some flowers - she'll like that.

Good luck with your training too. You know what you need to do, and you're in the process of doing it - keep on track and you're sorted.

Manveet
09-08-2004, 12:40 PM
Day 1:Back/Biceps/Abs:

Workout: (To be updated after lifting)

Diet: (To be updated later as well)

Thoughts:



Thanks, Justin. I could certainly use the spam -- hell, at my weight, I could use a spam-coated fried-spam spamwich.

(What's a spamwhich, you ask? Easy: It's just like a sandwich, only with spam instead of bread.)

(Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go throw up now :) .)

Yesterday was certainly better than many of my previous days. I seem to have discovered the source of some of my difficulties, the wellspring of my sorrows, the fount of my discontents, etc... To an extent, being home certainly makes it easier, though right now I must admit that my parents have become unwitting facilitators of my disease. How so, you ask? It is very simple, unfortunately. Why unfortunately? Because the situation's very simplicity makes it difficult to remedy.

Allow me to explain. It is not that they are consciously engaged in doing anything to prolong my difficulties -- they do not belittle my physique, imply that I'm fat, shatter my fragile self-image still further, etc... -- but instead that they: A) are largely unaware of the truth of the matter; and B) cook meals in such a way as to prolong the eating habits I developed over the past four years.

The first case is actually less problematic, I believe. You see, I have never come clean to my parents; I have never made a complete confession of what I went through and what I had become. Consequently, though there was always an unspoken subtext to the compulsive "healthy eating habits" which they observed over the past four years (which persisted even in the presence of significant strength/muscle gains), they by and large accepted the rigidity of my diet as a mere personality quirk and did their best to tolerate it. And since I am right now attempting to remedy said rigidity, and to fix the underlying obsession which caused it, I do not think it necessarily significant that I kept so much hidden for so long: for if I am successful, I will soon have nothing to hide, and so they will have nothing to be unaware of.

It is the second case that has caused me more trouble, I have found; and while it is related to the first, in that its origins may be found there, it has become its own, seperate source of difficulty. Because my parents have grown accustomed to what I will and will not eat -- a very small selection of your typical bodybuilding foods (brown rice, sweet potatoes, lean meats either baked dry or grilled dry, olive oil, eggs, oatmeal, etc...) -- they no longer cook the meals I would gladly eat and enjoy when I was normal, and in fact they often make it far too easy for me cook my own meal. It is not that they cooked unhealthy meals before I became diseased -- far from it, as my mom is herself not without compulsions of her own, and was typically quite a healthful cook -- but that the meals they cook now merely perpetuate the same habits I'm trying to break. This is actually a source of quite a bit of discomfort and regret, honestly. My mother, for example, is a fantastic cook; and I, to my great sorrow, cannot count the number of times I've unintentionally hurt her feelings by being unwilling to eat what she prepared. The fact that I was so damn selfish, so damn unreasonable, so damn diseased -- one meal does not a body break, for God's sake -- is something I'll always regret, something for which I don't know if I can ever forgive myself. To have valued my own fatless frame more highly than my friends and family...to have loved my disordered, distorted reflection more than my own mother...god, what a heartless fool I was, what I selfish slave I've been....

In the words of Eliot: "After such knowledge, what forgiveness?"

More later. I have a gym to go to -- those weights won't lift themselves ,you know.


I would have to say that I'm pretty extreme as well when it comes to my diet. But my parents largely don't care. I usually buy my own food, and prepare it myself. My parents have become accustomed to this sort of behaviour, actually.

But, quite honestly, keeping an uber-clean diet really doesn't make a huge difference pysiologically. I can say from my dieting experience that eating clean hasn't really made THAT MUCH of a difference. Any gains that I have made have largely come from the fact that 1) I eat the correct amount of calories for my goals, 2)Get adequate protein, 3)Have a sound training regimen. But despite coming upon this realization, I still continue to eat clean, regardless. I guess it's just psychologically comforting.

_-_v_-_
09-08-2004, 04:49 PM
That seems to be the only way I could fathom getting to 117lbs!

Oddly enough, I've never had a problem with that. And thank god for that.


I too can partly relate to some of your anguish, though I don't believe I took matters as far as you did. I too passed up some wonderful cooking from a loving mother, and ate plain food instead in the (misguided) belief that it was beneficial. Hindsight shows that it wasn't, and of course I can't take back the words I spoke.

However, when I did come to my senses I was at least partly able to put things right. I spoke to my mother about diet and fitness, and explained that I had learned a lot and was restructuring my diet - in effect, relaxing it.

Perhaps you could try the same? Obviously I don't know your family, and therefore don't know how best you can approach matters, but perhaps if you made comments to the effect that, while your diet is still important to you and you wish to continue eating healthily, you've come to realise that "healthy eating" can include a wider variety of foods than you previously though. If you can subtly let her know that you appreciate what she did for you (in regards changing her cooking), but that you wouldn't be averse to eating her more diverse meals, you can probably get her to alter what she prepares for you while making her feel good.

The important thing is that you now know the mistakes you've made, and I doubt you'll repeat them. And the wonderful thing about loving parents is that they're very forgiving. So by all means remember how you feel now, but don't dwell on it - move on, tactfully inform your mother of your new outlook on food (obviously in such a way that she doesn't think you're criticising her current meals), and the job's a good 'un. And buy her some flowers - she'll like that.

Good luck with your training too. You know what you need to do, and you're in the process of doing it - keep on track and you're sorted.

I think I may have unintentionally conveyed the wrong impression. It is not so much that my mother changed her cooking to accomodate my obsession but rather that, when she did cook, one of two things would inevitably occur: either A) she would prepare a meal which conformed to my dietary rigidities (i.e., salmon grilled dry, with a baked sweet potato, etc...) or B) she would prepare a meal which did not conform to said strictures (that is, her normal healthful but fantastic fare). In the first case, since I was able to control what was cooked, I would eat the meal; in the second case, I would instead cook my own meal, because I could not control the contents of the meal.

In other words, if the olive oil was not apportioned in measured amounts; if the food was salted excessively; if the meat was not of an acceptable type and size; if sugars or sauces were employed; if, in short, I could not with any accuracy determine the fat or calorie content of the meal, I would not eat it.

I can still see the pain in her eyes; I can still feel the sting of her sighs.

It was even worse with my father's cooking, which was equally good, if slightly less healthful. This is not to say he layered his spam with lard, or buttered his cheese, but that he wasn't averse to the joys of the hamburger or the bite of the burrito.

And I know that I hurt him as well.

As for the training, I hope that it goes well -- I know full well that my routine works, as it worked in the past, and I'm now far more experienced, not to mention primed for growth, than I was then. In fact, training is not, and has never been, the problem for me; it is eating; it is fueling the fire, feeding the machine. Hunger has gone from a foe to be vanquished to a friend to be cherished; hunger has become my constant companion, so much so that I find it difficult now to determine quite where I end and she begins. Her ragged roots run deep, and where they run they hold the starving soil of my soul in place against the storms and sands.

I'm going to write more about the workout when I update the above post. Suffice to say that I was once far stronger, far bigger, and far better than I am today. And that, I tell you, can be a depressing thing indeed.



I would have to say that I'm pretty extreme as well when it comes to my diet. But my parents largely don't care. I usually buy my own food, and prepare it myself. My parents have become accustomed to this sort of behaviour, actually.

But, quite honestly, keeping an uber-clean diet really doesn't make a huge difference pysiologically. I can say from my dieting experience that eating clean hasn't really made THAT MUCH of a difference. Any gains that I have made have largely come from the fact that 1) I eat the correct amount of calories for my goals, 2)Get adequate protein, 3)Have a sound training regimen. But despite coming upon this realization, I still continue to eat clean, regardless. I guess it's just psychologically comforting.

Indeed, I know full well that an uber-clean diet is irrelevant. I have done the research; I have read the studies; I have perused the literature. I know that, by and large, a calorie is a calorie, that what matters is not when or what you eat but merely how much (assuming, of course, sufficient protein and EFA intake.) I know that meal timing is unsubstantiated bunk; that macronutrient composition of a diet (say, 50%c/30%p/20%f vs. 33c/33p/33f) matters not a white; that even post-workout nutrition is vastly overrrated in its significance. I know that your body is not an accountant, not a beancounter. I know that obsession profits nothing -- indeed, as my own case demonstrates, that obsession profits less than nothing.

Belial has written some passionate passages on this very subject, which I excerpted gladly and posted in my previous journal. I may repost them here, simply for inspiration's sake.

Now all that remains is me obtaining sufficient courage, sufficient strength, to break out of the habits I have by dint of servile obsession constructed. All that remains is for me to trust myself when I tell myself that, in fact, I need to eat far more than I now do. I have all the evidence, all the external confirmation, that I need. I exhibit every symptom of overtraining. My performance shows it; my appearance shows it; my blood work shows it. I know I desperately need to gain weight, to treat, for the first time in the past four years, my body as friend and hunger as foe, and not visa versa. I know what I need to do. And I will appreciate all the help that everybody here can offer in doing it.

Note: By the way, I have updated the above Day 1 post to reflect today's training session. Again, consider just how depressing it is to have once (a little over a YEAR ago) weighed 155 lbs (at 8% or so BF) and been able to row the 105s, do weighted pullups with 90 strapped to a downward-straining belt, to shoulder press the 80lb DBs for reps...

God, what a fool I've been.

PowerManDL
09-08-2004, 05:24 PM
Don't sweat on your weight so bad. I wasn't far off 117 when I first started lifting, and here 6ish years later I'm ~100 lbs over that. There's hope.

orbital
09-08-2004, 06:04 PM
I didn't know the history behind why you are 117 lbs. when I asked if that was a typo. I apologize for that. I don't have any experience with that sort of thing so I will just wish you best of luck in overcoming it.

_-_v_-_
09-08-2004, 08:10 PM
No offense taken, man. Don't worry :)

_-_v_-_
09-08-2004, 08:19 PM
And by the way: if anyone happens to have ideas on the eating front, I'll be happy to listen.

I just can't believe how much weight I've lost in just over a year. Amazing, isn't it, what a little obsesion can do...

_-_v_-_
09-09-2004, 08:18 AM
Day 2: HIIT:

Workout: Lifecycle HIIT

Warmup: Level 5, 90 RPM, 5 minutes

(45 second / 15 second intervals)

I1: L6, L11
I2: L6, L11
I3: L6, L10
I4: L6, L10
I5: L6, L10
I6: L6, L10
I7: L6, L9
I8: L6, L9
I9: L6, L9
I10: L6, L8
I11: L6, L8
I12: L6, L8
I13: L6, L8
I14: L6, L8

Cooldown: Level 5, 90 RPM, 5 minutes.

Slightly more difficult than last time; not only was I forced to decrease the level setting on several intervals, but I also found that, on the intervals whose settings remained the same, my performance (RPM) decreased somewhat.

Conclusion: I need to eat more. No kidding.

Diet: To be updated later (I promise)

Thoughts:

I can't remember how it began.

And, in retrospect, I think that's what most disturbs me. The fact that I something so central to who I am, something that has become so integral to the very core of my identity, something that, indeed, seems to be so intertwined with my soul as to be entirely inseperable from it, has an origin which I can neither recall nor determine, is unsettling to me. For if indeed this disorder has become integral to the person I've become -- and certainly it has -- one would hardly be unreasonable in expecting it to have a discernible trajectory: a recollectable onset, progression, and culmination. Yet I cannot recall how it started, how I became what I've become; I only know that it did start, and that, somehow, I did in fact become what I've now become.

I can recall clearly my years of mundane normality; I can remember like yesterday the quotidian summer mere months before it began; I can even remember the traditional travel fare I shared with my father when I was moving in to the summer program where it happened. Then my father left for home; I was alone on the Johns Hopkins undergraduate campus -- an ivy-encrusted pebble drowning in the crumbling brownstone sinkhole that is downtown Baltimore; and things, somehow, started to go wrong. There they cook in peanut oil, to which I have a fatal allergy; there the cafeteria refused to accomodate my allergies; there we had no access to supermarkets; there we were largely trapped by the ghettos surrounding us on all sides. And there I stopped eating.

How it began, I can't say; I honestly can't recall the point when disorder first triumphed over order, when sanity first succumbed to sickness's sweet siren song, when I made the first, fatal transition from normality to neurosis. And what worries me is this: if I cannot recall how I got here, how am I supposed to find my way back? How does one retrace a path that one can no longer find?

Scott S
09-09-2004, 11:24 AM
Grats on the new journal. You've been due for a case of Bigorexia for a long time now.

Have some hypo-allergenic :spam: to grow on. :)

PowerManDL
09-09-2004, 02:31 PM
I can give you plenty of eating ideas. Whether you'd want to use them or not is a different matter :D

_-_v_-_
09-09-2004, 08:26 PM
I can give you plenty of eating ideas. Whether you'd want to use them or not is a different matter

I'd love to hear them :). Here's what I wrote on the matter in my old journal:


:


To that end, I'm going to review some data which I know some of you have already heard me review. Those of you who have seen this material before, please bear with me; I need to do this, to force myself to face these facts.

First, an example. Why this doesn't convince me that what I'm eating now is woefully insufficient, why this isn't proof enough for me, I have no idea. I'm just an idiot, I guess.

Example::

After my period of most drastic weight loss -- a time during which I went from a very lean, athletic 145 lbs to an emaciated 110 lbs in but three months -- this is what was necessary for me to regain my weight. Note that at this time I was far less active than I am now; note also that I had no muscle whatsoever; note finally that it wasn't until two months after I began eating as I'm about to describe that we discovered that my testosterone production had entirely ceased (I required test. supplementation.) So we have: 110 lbs, little activity (only ignorant and poorly-designed weightlifting three days a week), no muscle, and no testosterone. And this is what I ate.

I remember the breakfasts my father rose early to cook for me, the ones he forced himself to eat as well -- he sacrificed his own fitness, his own leanness, that I might, by his example, gain weight myself. I remember the thick ham steaks (which my father, unbeknownst to me, surreptitiously coated in trans-fat free margarine before cooking -- to secretely increase, of course, the caloric content) fried in olive oil. I remember the heaping plates of crisp hashbrowns sodden with oil and drenched in ketchup. I remember the sides of margarined-toast topped with over-veryeasy eggs. I remember the 16oz mugs of soy milk and orange juice, the sweetened coffee, the sides of jam. Or he would fry thick pancakes (from batter thickened, again without my knowledge, with soy milk and extra eggs, with olive oil or cups of sugar) topped with the same trans-fat free margarine and oceans of syrup, served with eggs and toast and steaks and sausuages, with orange juice and soy milk. He cooked massive breakfasts, lumberjack breakfasts. And I ate them all. And I followed with a large snack three or four hours later, a large (800-1000 calorie)lunch, a large snack in the afternoon, a snack after those poorly-designed lifting sessions, a huge homecooked dinner (which my parents made damn sure I ate every bite of), and a snack before bed. All this, without activity, without muscle, without testosterone.

And the weight didn't come back on. And then, agonizingly slowly, it did. A pound a month; two pounds a month. No more. And what little weight I gained was muscle. It took long, long months to see any weight gain at all; even at the end of six months, I had barely gained five or six pounds, to be honest.

Compare that to the diet on which I've been starving myself now. Compare that to how screwed up I've become.

Now, the evidence:

Personal, Historical Evidence:

1) I've always had a very fast metabolism -- I've always been extremely lean. Even when I was far less active than I am now, even when, at fifteen, I neither lifted nor trained regularly, I never exceeded 135-140 lbs, and I always had abs. Partly this was due to my allergies, of course; but even within the limitations imposed by my condition, I was always able to eat whatever I wanted, and as much as I wanted, without any consequences. And I did. I ate a ****load; I was always hungry. And then I went anorexic.

2) After my drastic weight loss, when I was lifting stupidly, when I had no muscle, when I weighed a mere 110lbs, when I had no testosterone whatsoever, I could barely gain weight at an obscene caloric intake. This, of course, only further demonstrates my metabolic needs.

General Scientific Evidence:

1) Metabolic set points are highly resistant to change. Witness the seminal "overfeeding" studies on prison inmates; witness the difficulty any formerly-obese person has in keeping lost weight off. This is scientifically documented and well-established.

2) Anorexic individuals typically require far greater caloric intakes to gain and maintain weight than would be predicted by their body weight alone. This too is well documented.

3) Individuals in a severely overtrained state typically, upon refeeding, show rapid protein synthesis and minimal fat deposition. This is thought to be an adaptive mechanism to facilitate the recovery process in a time of exigency. This too is scientifically substantiated.

Current Situation/Evidence:

1) I'm at an unhealthfully low BF%, and I show every symptom of severe overtraining -- immune suppression, some anemia, night sweats, difficulty sleeping, lethargy, depression, fatigue, malaise, rapidly-decreasing gym performance, a constant feeling of "flatness," no appetite, digestive difficulties, weight loss, etc... I'm in a state well-described by points 2 and 3 in the scientific evidence.

2) I'm far, far more active than I've ever been in the past. I lift HEAVILY, typically to and past failure, four days per week; I have very high testosterone levels now, thanks to the necessary exogenous supplementation; I have far more muscle, relative to my low weight, than I did at any previous point in my history; I have to walk, while carrying a heavy backpack, upwards of one hour each day, and often as much as two; I have to do alot of biking; and I've been doing two hard HIIT sessions per week to boot. I always fidget; I rarely sit. Compare these activity levels to those in my past, those I evinced in times when I ate FAR MORE than I do now.

When you examine all of these factors together, from my metabolic history to my current activity levels, you get an idea of just how much I need to be eating. For god's sake, after my drastic weight loss, look at how much I needed to eat to gain weight -- and I weigh more now, have more muscle now, have twenty times more testosterone now, have ten times higher activity levels now, etc... My daily diet now is less, I think, than my breakfasts were then!

So you can see that I need to eat far more than my current 1900-2000 calorie diet.

I'm thinking, based upon the evidence here adduced -- not to mention my latest bloodwork (highly indicative of undernutrition/overtraining) -- that 3000 would be more appropriate? What say you, guys? DL?

EDIT:

I suppose I should give some inclination of how I've been training and eating recently. My diet/workout routine has been the following (approximately):

7:00 AM: 400; 37c/35p/12f
2/3 cup oats
4 Fish Oil Caps
25 g protein (soy protein powder)
8g almonds

9:30-10:45: Lifting, during which I sip and complete the following intra/post-workout shake:
50 g dextrose
25 g protein (egg white isolate)

11:45: 330 c; 27c/30p/11f
60 g Ezekiel Sprouted Wheat Bread
84 g tuna
4 FOCs
1 tsp olive oil

2:45: 200 c ; 18 c / 25 p / 3 f
40 g Ezekiel Sprouted Wheat Pita
84 g tuna
Few almonds

6:30: Approximately 300-450 cals, I'd estimate (family dinner)
Typically around 37-40 c , 25-40 p , 7-13 f

9:30: 300 c; 27 c ; 32 p ; 7 f
1/2 cup oatmeal
25 g protein (soy isolate)
1.5 tsp cashew butter

Now, this is how I'd been eating before I made the committment to change. You can see my sense of appropriate portions, of what I need and of what is normal, is drastically skewed. I'm lucky to total more than 1900-2000 calories eating like this... And no, I don't plan to continue eating like this -- this is merely an indication of how I've been, of who I've been and what I've done.

Any advice on diet vis a vis my lifting session? I find that I much prefer sipping the shake during my workout (timing my consumption of it so that I complete the shake and the workout simultaneously) to drinking the entire shake at one time at the culmination of the workout -- it's easier on my stomach this way.

My first inclination, honestly, is to scrap this dietary relic -- this fossilized remnant of an obsession I no longer want nor need -- entirely and to start from scratch: that is to say, to construct an entirely new paradigm of normality, one based upon not calculation but sheer consumption, not of quality of food but quantity, etc... In other words: massive breakfasts, huge snacks, large lunches, force-fed dinners, etc...

But I digress. My main question is that which I had already posted above: Based upon the evidence I adduced -- my history, my pathology, etc... -- what should my goal be? Any thoughts, DL?

_-_v_-_
09-10-2004, 07:58 AM
Note: Above post has been edited.

Isaac Wilkins
09-10-2004, 08:27 AM
I thought you were allergic to nuts? Either way, it's good that you can eat almonds.

Here's a tip: Take a big jar of almonds. Put it next to a doorway that you pass through fairly often (your room, etc). Every time you go through that doorway, eat 1-3 almonds or so. Not even a handful. Just a very few. Forget that you ate them (for all intensive purposes). By the end of the day, you've probably accumulated another serving of almonds and not even realized it.

This is a trick that the Mentzers were rumored to do with dbol, although they were said to have used "handfuls". I don't think we're THERE yet. ;)

_-_v_-_
09-10-2004, 09:30 AM
thought you were allergic to nuts? Either way, it's good that you can eat almonds.

Here's a tip: Take a big jar of almonds. Put it next to a doorway that you pass through fairly often (your room, etc). Every time you go through that doorway, eat 1-3 almonds or so. Not even a handful. Just a very few. Forget that you ate them (for all intensive purposes). By the end of the day, you've probably accumulated another serving of almonds and not even realized it.

This is a trick that the Mentzers were rumored to do with dbol, although they were said to have used "handfuls". I don't think we're THERE yet.

I'm allergic to all nuts but pistachios, cashews, and almonds.

:) No, but the DBOL is tempting, no? Thanks for the tip, man

_-_v_-_
09-10-2004, 12:05 PM
Day 3:Chest, Triceps

Workout:

BB Press: 45 X 12; 135 X 3.5; 145 X 1; 135 X 2 + 3 forced reps; 125 X 4 + 3 forced reps; 123 X 3.

Weighted Dips: +25 X 4; +25 X 3; +20 X 5

Hammer Strength Iso Wide-Grip Bench Press: (+80 per side) X 6; (+80/side) X 6; +80 X 6, +70 X 3, +60 X 3 (drop-set)

Cable Flies: 40 X 5; 40 X 4

EZ-Bar Skulls: (Bar+50) X 3 + 5 close-grip BP (superset); +40 X 4 + 5 CGBP; +40 X 3 + 3 CGBP

Overhead Machine Tricep Extensions: 40 X 5; 40 X 3

V-Grip Cable Pressdowns: 65 X 6

TOTAL TIME: 1 hour.

Diet:: (To be updated later)

Thoughts:

I don't have but a moment here, but I was wondering, out of curiousity, does anyone here have any idea of the caloric demands imposed upon a trainer by such a workout -- that is to say, would the above lifting session, in which each set is quite intense and in which, as you can see, many sets are taken to and past failure, burn a substantial number of calories? I seem to have a hard time considering weight training as calorically demanding -- on a rational level, of course, I know that it is, but on a nonrational, emotional level (due to my disorder, likely) I still seem to view cardiovascular activity as the sole determinant of caloric expenditure (and therefore of fat gain/loss)

Manveet
09-10-2004, 01:19 PM
Day 3:Chest, Triceps

Workout:

BB Press: 45 X 12; 135 X 3.5; 145 X 1; 135 X 2 + 3 forced reps; 125 X 4 + 3 forced reps; 123 X 3.

Weighted Dips: +25 X 4; +25 X 3; +20 X 5

Hammer Strength Iso Wide-Grip Bench Press: (+80 per side) X 6; (+80/side) X 6; +80 X 6, +70 X 3, +60 X 3 (drop-set)

Cable Flies: 40 X 5; 40 X 4

EZ-Bar Skulls: (Bar+50) X 3 + 5 close-grip BP (superset); +40 X 4 + 5 CGBP; +40 X 3 + 3 CGBP

Overhead Machine Tricep Extensions: 40 X 5; 40 X 3

V-Grip Cable Pressdowns: 65 X 6

TOTAL TIME: 1 hour.

Diet:: (To be updated later)

Thoughts:

I don't have but a moment here, but I was wondering, out of curiousity, does anyone here have any idea of the caloric demands imposed upon a trainer by such a workout -- that is to say, would the above lifting session, in which each set is quite intense and in which, as you can see, many sets are taken to and past failure, burn a substantial number of calories? I seem to have a hard time considering weight training as calorically demanding -- on a rational level, of course, I know that it is, but on a nonrational, emotional level (due to my disorder, likely) I still seem to view cardiovascular activity as the sole determinant of caloric expenditure (and therefore of fat gain/loss)


What's your split look like? I gather you're doing each body part once a week, working near failure, sometimes past. Are you still currently doing 2 HIIT sessions per week? If that is the case, that's a lot of activity on top of a very fast metabolism. You will need A LOT of food. How much? That's really a tough question to answer. You threw out a rough figure of 3000 calories per day, but how much do you currently eat right now? If you are not gaining on that current figure, simply add 200 cals (2tbsp of oil olive) to it. If you are still not gaining, add another 200, until you do. If you cannot fathom the idea of idea 3000 uber-clean calories, throw in some junk. It won't kill you, honestly.

PowerManDL
09-10-2004, 02:53 PM
Junk would be my recommendation, honestly. At your low levels of not only bf, but overall bodymass, you've pretty much got the proverbial get out of jail free card when it comes to dieting.

Things like bags of pizza rolls (the 40 count size), trips to the McDonald's 99 cent value menu, whole pizzas, some of those 900-1000 calorie TV dinners (or hell get like the family-size salisbury steak...polish that off and you've hit a good 2500) shouldn't be out of the question, and I'd even make them staples. Olive oil will be a friend as well; get a bottle and use it as often as possible. I know you've got your share of food allergies, but even if you just find 1-2 high calorie sources that you can live with, you'll be a lot better off.

The point is, at your current state and especially combined with your activity level, you really don't even need to concern yourself with saturated fat, carb sources, ratios, or any of that mess. In fact I'd go so far as to tell you not to even worry about how many calories you're eating so long as you know it's over 3000.

_-_v_-_
09-10-2004, 03:04 PM
That's about what I figured.

Thanks for the input, man.

I've got some ideas, which I'll detail in a bit. Can't right now, though. That XBOX won't play itself, you know :)

_-_v_-_
09-10-2004, 06:45 PM
Day 3: Chest/Triceps (continued from above post)

Thoughts:

You know, I used to be able to bench 225 lbs.

I used to be able to dip +90 lbs.

I. Used. To.

That was just over a year ago: I could do that last summer. But then, I weighed 153 lbs at the time...

Now look at me.

Or rather, don't. You may not like what you see.

And so it begins again. I'm going to devote some time today/tonight to constructing a solid set of goals: no longer the circumlocutory promises which I have, in the past, had the unmitigated gall to offer up as goals -- ersatz goals, as indistinct as ill-designed -- but real goals, with deadlines and criteria by which success or failure will be judged.

As for tomorrow: I have food to eat, and promises to keep. No longer can I eat what I've been eating: the fact that each of my recent workouts has constituted a decrease over previous capabilities (vs. even two weeks ago) proves as much. What am I going to do instead? What am I going to eat?

Everything.

A breakfast that isn't measured. A lunch that isn't calculated. A dinner that isn't considered. Simply put: I'm going to eat more. A lot more.

I'll write more on that topic later; dinner is almost ready.

And by the way, if anyone happens to be familiar with blood work as it relates to severe overtraining/undernutrition, I'd love to hear your thoughts on a few things. Nothing urgent -- the blood work in question is a month or two old -- I'm just curious.


And by the way, does anyone happ

_-_v_-_
09-11-2004, 08:50 AM
Day 4: Legs/:

Workout:

Note: Red numbers signify decreases from the previous session; blue numbers, which you'll note are utterly absent, of course, signify the opposite.

Deadlifts: 135 X 6; 185 X 4; 205 X 2; 195 X 3; 195 X 2; 185 X 3.

Leg Press: (Sled + 270) X 5; +270 X 5; +270 X 4; +270 X 3 + 3 forced reps.

Hack Squat: (Sled+180) X 3; 170 X 4

Single-Leg Quad Extensions: 50 X 3; 40 X 4.

Double-Leg Quad Extension: 90 X 4, 80 X 2, 60 X 0 (dropset)

Lying Hamstring Curl (new machine): 70 X 5; 60 X 5; 60 X 5

Seated Calf Raises: +70 X 6; +70 X 5; +70 X 4.

Finished with leg press calf raises.

Notes:

Quite obviously, I need to eat more. This session, overall, constituted a serious decrease in performance relative to my previous lifting session. Couple this session with yesterday's benching session -- which was similarly uninspiring -- and I have all the evidence I need that my current diet, well, sucks more ass than Richard Gere on two bottles of Spanish Fly.

Diet:: (To be updated later)

Thoughts:

I mentioned this yesterday -- mentioned only, mind you; rarely do I act upon my inclinations, as many of you have no doubt noticed -- and today I am for once going to follow through on my professed intentions: it's time to construct a set of goals. Actually, two sets of goals: one short-term, and one long-term. The former goals will be assessed on a daily basis and will hopefully, as conscious effort toward them creates a new set of habits which obviates the necessity of the given goals, be replaced by newer, more difficult short-term goals. The process is therefore one of iterative self-reassessment and self-reconstruction; and by restricting the number of short-term goals to a manageable few, I hope to avoid the distraction of bending my will and tending my efforts in too many disparate directions, of distributing my energies too broadly and diffusely, of dividing my forces too greatly to conquer even a single one of my many foes.

The latter set of goals, of course, will be assessed after the appropriate deadlines have passed.

Short-Term Goals: Assess Daily

1) Quit chewing sugar-free gum/mints. Sorbitol is not my friend; the last thing I need right now is further gastrointenstinal distress (a feeling not particularly conducive, I've found, to eating more :) ).

2) Quit snacking on fibrous vegetables.

3) Write at least one thousand words each day.

4) Each day, spend an hour in pure relaxation, without thought as to the effects upon my physique.

Long-Term Goals: Deadline: Dec. 31st, 2004

1) Lifts:
Bench press 185 lbs.
Deadlift 315 lbs.
Weighted chins: +70 lbs.

2) Weight: 130 lbs.

There. That should help, I hope.

_-_v_-_
09-11-2004, 02:48 PM
Bump for above edit.

_-_v_-_
09-11-2004, 05:33 PM
One thing has been particularly troubling me in recent weeks:

Despite the fact that I am fully aware, on a purely rational level, of not only the reality but also the gravity of my situation, I am still hamstrung by certain fundamentally nonrational whispers, noncognitive doubts which surface at the oddest times.

I have lost weight; I cannot deny this. My pants fit more loosely, or they don't fit at all; my shirts hang more freely. My lifts have decreased; my strength has decreased; my stamina has decreased. Even my bloodwork supports what is happening; even my bloodwork shows just what I have done to myself.

And yet the whispers try to explain this all away. Because I'm eating too few carbohydrates, I fill less full, less "cut"; and the whispers tell me this is because I have gained fat, not because I have lost muscle and weight. Because I'm not eating enough, my performance in the gym has suffered; and the whispers say this is not because I'm undereating but because I workout out in the morning too long after eating breakfast.

And I know, of course, on a purely rational level, that this is ridiculous. Were I truly eating enough to gain fat, the time of my workout relative to my breakfast would be irrelevant; the overall caloric surplus, with the consequent glycogen saturation, would far outweigh any transient fluctuations in glucose/glycogen levels caused by working out in the morning after a possibly insufficient breakfast. In other words, if I were eating enough to gain fat, I wouldn't be seeing the consistent decreases in the gym that I see, regardless of what I ate for breakfast and when I ate it.

And of course it goes without saying that, were I truly eating enough to gain weight, my pants wouldn't be fitting more loosely, nor would my weight and performance be similarly decreasing.

_-_v_-_
09-12-2004, 08:27 AM
Day Five: Rest/Low Intensity Cardio

Workout:

Light running / walking intervals: 30-35 minutes.

Diet: (To be updated later)

Goals:

Short-Term Goals (from Yesterday):

1) Avoid sugar free gum and mints: Completed

2) Avoid snacking on fibrous vegetables: Completed

3) Write at least one thousand words: Uncertain (Unless one counts WBB posts, this was likely unsuccessful; however, this was perhaps the least important of the four goals, honestly, so I'm not too worried.)

4) Spend at least one hour in pure relaxation: Completed

Short-Term Goals: New.

In addition to the above set of goals, I'd like to add two more:

1) Stop drinking Crystal Light.

2) Eat as you promised last night.

Thoughts: (To be updated later)

MixmasterNash
09-12-2004, 10:15 AM
Day 1:Back/Biceps/Abs:
Chins: BW X 6; +35 X 3; +35 X 2; +25 X 4; +25 X 3; BW X 3; BW X 3

BB Rows: 85 X 5; 85 X 5

DB Rows: 45 X 5; 45 X 4; 45 X 3

T-Bar Rows: (Apparatus + 60) X 5; +60 X 4; +60 X 3, +55 X 3, +50 X 3, +45 X 3 (dropset)

EZ-Bar Curls: (Bar+50) X 3; (Bar+40)X4

Preacher EZ-Curls: (Bar+20) X 5 + 3 post-failure

DB Hammer Curls: 30 X 3; 30 X 3


Wow, this is a ton of volume. 18 sets for back, and then biceps???? Burning too many calories there, without sufficient hypertrophy returns. Even with the low reps per set, you're still doing 60-70+ reps for back. 20-40 reps total is much closer to optimal calories burned/muscle growth ratio.

Pullups are great, though.



Thanks, Justin. I could certainly use the spam -- hell, at my weight, I could use a spam-coated fried-spam spamwich.


Let me recommend diced, fried spam in cous cous. Damn tasty. Somewhat high in sodium, but actually not too bad.



The point is, at your current state and especially combined with your activity level, you really don't even need to concern yourself with saturated fat, carb sources, ratios, or any of that mess. In fact I'd go so far as to tell you not to even worry about how many calories you're eating so long as you know it's over 3000.

Damn straight. How you eat is different for everbody, but gaining weight is all about how much you eat. Wendy's 99c menu is my best buddy. The real key for packing on 10lbs in one summer was a real world (non-student) sleep schedule, and waking up at 7am and eating 5-6 eggs, every morning. And eating 3 meals at work. Then pre-dinner after work. And then dinner. And then post-dinner. And then bedtime meal.

Chubrock
09-12-2004, 10:42 AM
I understand some of the things you experience. I lost something over 80lbs and though our situations are different I can understand some of the points you make. Everybody tells me how skinny I look, and that I need to quit losing weight. I know that I'm not in bad shape at all, but sometimes I look in the mirror and still see that fat guy I used to be. I have almost a phobia of gaining weight now I suppose. I mean I want to put on some muscle, but everytime I step on a scale I cringe a little bit at the thought of putting more weight on. I'll work my way through all this though, just like I've done in the past. Just wanted to let ya know, that you weren't alone in feeling some of the things you do buddy. Good luck with everything, and remember, a day without pushing yourself, whether physically, mentally, or emotionally, is a wasted day.

_-_v_-_
09-12-2004, 01:17 PM
Wow, this is a ton of volume. 18 sets for back, and then biceps???? Burning too many calories there, without sufficient hypertrophy returns. Even with the low reps per set, you're still doing 60-70+ reps for back. 20-40 reps total is much closer to optimal calories burned/muscle growth ratio.

Pullups are great, though.

Wow. You're right. I guess I didn't quite realize just how many sets I was doing.

Part of the problem is, I think, that I simply do not sweat -- I'm always cold, you see, particularly when I lift (in sleeveless shirt and shorts) in an already air-conditioned gym. And since I don't sweat, part of me (the nonrational, disordered part) whispers that I can't possibly be burning calories, that I can't possibly be working out hard at all. You know the drill.



Damn straight. How you eat is different for everbody, but gaining weight is all about how much you eat. Wendy's 99c menu is my best buddy. The real key for packing on 10lbs in one summer was a real world (non-student) sleep schedule, and waking up at 7am and eating 5-6 eggs, every morning. And eating 3 meals at work. Then pre-dinner after work. And then dinner. And then post-dinner. And then bedtime meal.

I'm taking my first furtive steps in this direction today. Tonight, I hope to post some on the results.


I understand some of the things you experience. I lost something over 80lbs and though our situations are different I can understand some of the points you make. Everybody tells me how skinny I look, and that I need to quit losing weight. I know that I'm not in bad shape at all, but sometimes I look in the mirror and still see that fat guy I used to be. I have almost a phobia of gaining weight now I suppose. I mean I want to put on some muscle, but everytime I step on a scale I cringe a little bit at the thought of putting more weight on. I'll work my way through all this though, just like I've done in the past. Just wanted to let ya know, that you weren't alone in feeling some of the things you do buddy. Good luck with everything, and remember, a day without pushing yourself, whether physically, mentally, or emotionally, is a wasted day.

Thanks, man. I appreciate the support.

I've always felt the same way about life: days are to be seized and shook for all they're worth.

Note to Self:

If you doubt you need to gain weight, just remember wakes you up every ****ing night: limbs falling asleep. You have no insulation whatsoever, no fat to cushion the nerves. For god's sake, it's not like you are sleeping on concrete, after all; your bed is soft, dammit. And it happens no matter how you sleep -- on your stomach, back, side; it doesn't matter -- and it's only getting worse.

_-_v_-_
09-13-2004, 08:26 AM
Day Six: Shoulders/Traps:

Workout:

Behind the Neck BB Press: 45 X 8; 95 X 1; 85 X 3; 85 X 2;75 X 3

Though the first two red-colored sets didn't decrease in weight or reps, I have marked them as decreases because I barely completed them -- they were far more difficult than they were the week before.

DB Arnold Press: 35 X 4; 35 X 3

Hang Clean and Press (BB): 75 X 2; 65 X 4; 65 X 3

Hang Clean: 65 X 4; 65 X 3

Cable Lateral Raises: 10 X 4; 10 X 3

DB Lateral Raise: 10 X 6

BB Shrugs: 175 X 5; 175 X 3

Cable Upright Rows: 105 X 5; 105 X 3 (Different machine, yet still a decrease relative to last time I used this particular machine -- used to be able to do 120 easily)
Diet: To be updated later.

Thoughts:

Goals:

1) Avoid sugar-free gum and mints. Completed

2) Avoid snacking on fibrous vegetables: Completed

3) Write at least one thousand words: Uncertain (Unless one counts WBB posts, this was likely unsuccessful; however, this was perhaps the least important of the four goals, honestly, so I'm not too worried.)

4) Spend at least one hour in pure relaxation: Completed

5) Stop drinking Crystal Light. Completed

6) Eat as you promised last night.Completed (Barely)

Thoughts:

I have a lot of work to do; I have a lot of steps to take. But for once I made some progress, however slight; for once I made a change.

I promised myself, two nights ago, that yesterday I would attempt to eat slightly better. And I think that I succeeded. I don't know, of course, because: A) I didn't weigh/calculate some of my food; and B) I went out to dinner with my parents, which is always, with my food allergies, an interesting experience. But to the extent that I didn't rigidly calculate the entirety of my diet, to the extent that I relaxed that compulsive control, even to the slightest degree, I consider yesterday a significant success.

Now all I need to do is to square thought with action, memory with behavior.
I know full well how I used to be able to eat, how normal I used to be; I recall what it was like to be able to sit and read, to enjoy a videogame, to hang out around the house, without thought as to what I had eaten, or what I was going to have to eat. I remember what it was like to enjoy a burger, or a steak, without worrying about its effects, deleterious or not, upon my body. I know that the body is not an accountant, nor is it an enemy. I know that body fat is not something to be feared, that in fact, in my case, it's something which I quite desperately need: see A) the fact that I'm constantly cold; and B) the fact that, every night, multiple limbs fall asleep no matter what position I sleep in (no adipose cushion to prevent pinching of nerves).

It's as if I need a blaring billboard affixed directly to my forehead, one from which I cannot avert my eyes: a constant reminder, writ in neon, that one meal does not a fat person make; that to gain weight, to really gain weight, takes not days nor weeks but months even; that perfection is obsession; etc...

So in short my goal for the next few days/weeks is to attempt to excise such thoughts, such inculcated beliefs, from my mind. I've come to realize just how much of my mental capacity has been consumed by such compulsions, just how much cogitation I waste each day on concerns which are as unheathful as they are unnecessary. If it is true that thought is the wellspring of action, then perhaps I can fight this battle on two fronts; first, with my aforementioned iterative approach to transforming my habitual food practices, and in so doing slowly constructing a new set of actions in place of the old; and second, by refusing to dwell upon the thoughts from which said habits were originally derived, by in fact disputing them and denying their validity whenever they occur. Perhaps, by attempting to reform both my mental and habitual paradigms simultaneously, I can construct a sort of positive feedback loop -- the deliberate weakening of habits reducing the strength of the thoughts; the repeated refusal to countenance the thoughts reinforcing the ease with which the habits assert themselves; etc....

We'll see.

Chubrock
09-13-2004, 09:19 AM
I noticed you said you failed to calculate what you ate. One suggestion I have is to just EAT. When you walk past the pantry, just grab something to eat. It don't matter what it is, just wolf it down. This idea may be a little hard for you to accomplish at the given time, but I think it would do you a lot of good. Remember: "It's easy to give 100% when you see the light at the end of the tunnel, true winners give 100% when no light can be seen at all."

_-_v_-_
09-13-2004, 12:27 PM
Thanks, Chub.

If I'm going to hit my goal by this december, I've got to start soon. Soon as in: right the **** now.

And bump for the above edit (workout has been posted.)

_-_v_-_
09-14-2004, 08:52 AM
Day Seven: HIIT

Workout: Lifecycle (To be updated after completion of workout)

Warmup: Level 5, 95 RPM, 5 minutes

Intervals:

(45 second / 15 second intervals)

1: L6, L11
2: L6, L11
3: L6, L10
4: L6, L10
5: L6, L10
6: L6, L9
7: L6, L9
8: L6, L9
9: L6, L9
10: L6, L8
11: L6, L8
12: L6, L8
13: L6, L8
14: L6, L8

Final Interval: 1 minute at L8; a burnout set, basically.

Cooldown:

Lifecycle: Level 5, 5 minutes, 95 RPM.
Treadmill: 4.5 mph walk, 5 minutes.

Total Distance: 7 miles on lifecycle.

Appraisal: Again, a slight decrease in capability from last time. More food, post-haste.

And yes, there are those of you who would no doubt here tell me that I need not only more food but less activity. You must understand, though, that such a course of action would likely be counterproductive -- the more I reduce my activity, the harder it is for me to eat.

Plus, I like HIIT. A lot.

Diet: (To be updated later)

Goals:

1) Avoid sugar-free gum and mints. Completed

2) Avoid snacking on fibrous vegetables: Completed

3) Write at least one thousand words: Uncertain (Unless one counts WBB posts, this was likely unsuccessful; however, this was perhaps the least important of the four goals, honestly, so I'm not too worried.)

4) Spend at least one hour in pure relaxation: Completed

5) Stop drinking Crystal Light. Completed

6) Eat as you promised last night.Completed (Barely)

Thoughts:

Yesterday was....I'm not quite sure how it was, in retrospect. I seem to lack the capacity to describe it adequately; I can't conceive of words sufficient to capture the sheer weirdness of the day. As the day progressed, I felt progressively adrift, as if I were merely a passive observer, nothing more than a walking ocular receptivity, possessed of the ability to watch but denied the capacity to influence... The day deepened, darkened; and as evening came, this sense only increased. Whole hours passed seemingly bereft of thought or feeling; I merely turned pages with automatic hands -- and to Eliot I must here apologize for the bastardization of his poignant phrase -- or propped myself against the kitchen counter and beheld, at a distance far greater than that allowed by the physical dimensions of the room, the flickering phosphorescent blare of the first real football of the year. What was wrong? I don't know. Retaining water? Hell, yes. Bloated? Yes. Lethargic? Of course.

And I thought that, throughout the day, I had eaten a little better. In retrospect, it seems that I did. I did relax control a bit, at least through the first part of the day. But my overall caloric intake was not markedly increased -- perhaps an additional 50-150 calories, no more. So what happened? What explains that evening? I have no idea.

Perhaps it is that I haven't been sleeping particularly well of late. It is not that I have no trouble falling asleep, not anymore, thank god - and if I do, I always have my good friend Restoril to fall back on. But I wake up two or three times per night to use the restroom; and I always, [i]always[/]i, awake early in the morning, sometimes no later than 5:30, and from then on I can merely lie there and attempt to doze. What troubles me is that I'm always cold, that I'm always awakened by limbs falling asleep -- and how's that for a ****ing ironic parallel. I roll over onto my side, pinch the nerves in my hips; my legs fall asleep. I lay on my stomach, pinch the nerves in my arm; my hands fall asleep. I place my arm under my pillow, pinch the nerves in my shoulder; my entire arm falls alseep.

I suppose this merely means I need to gain weight -- and not just weight, but fat -- and I certainly hope this is not indicative of anything more worrisome.
Any thoughts you may have would be appreciated.

As for last night, however, could this feeling possibly be explained by an electrolyte situation? Perhaps I should explain. I drink copious amounts of fluids throughout the day -- often in excess of 10-12 L of water -- and, in addition to not eating much sodium, I tend to "balance" the sodium I do eat with NoSalt, a potassium chloride salt substitute. Am I just being an idiot here? Any thoughts would be appreciated.

At any rate, I've got another set of goals for today, which I'll write about in a bit -- this time, I want to write about them in retrospect rather than in advance. We'll see how things go.

galileo
09-14-2004, 10:15 AM
I think you need to find out how much sodium you're really getting. Without both sides of the equation present, your nerve cells cannot function properly. I would definitely play around with the amount of sodium and potassium you are getting to find what feels ideal.

_-_v_-_
09-14-2004, 11:06 AM
I'd say no more than, well, 1000-1200 mg / day on average.

JustinF
09-14-2004, 11:29 AM
You're taking small steps, starting with the small goals and conquering them! Good job man, keep that going and you're golden.

Quick question: Why are you cutting out the Crystal Light?

By the way, I really enjoy reading your journal. Are you an author, or an English Major? I wish I could write with half the detail and vocabulary that you do.

_-_v_-_
09-14-2004, 11:47 AM
Thanks, Justin. Appreciate all the support and the kind words.

I'm a writer by hobby, but a premed student by trade. Next September, barring some unforseen catastrophe, I'll matriculate in medical school.

Oh, and bump for above edit (workout has been posted).

_-_v_-_
09-14-2004, 02:26 PM
Bump for further thoughts.

God, I still feel strange. I know that I cannot possibly have gained weight on my diet -- three weeks of no more than 2000 calories / day, with some days likely as low as 1600-1700 -- butI feel as if I have. I feel much like I did last night -- bloated, lethargic; my head feels...foggy? Not sure. It is as if there were a cloud behind my eyes, a sense of pressure or presence...Not sure how to describe it.

ectx
09-14-2004, 02:57 PM
Bump for further thoughts.

God, I still feel strange. I know that I cannot possibly have gained weight on my diet -- three weeks of no more than 2000 calories / day, with some days likely as low as 1600-1700 -- butI feel as if I have. I feel much like I did last night -- bloated, lethargic; my head feels...foggy? Not sure. It is as if there were a cloud behind my eyes, a sense of pressure or presence...Not sure how to describe it.

Could it be....could it be...that you're not sleeping, resting...are still stressed, and perhaps a little bloated?

All things being what they are, sometimes the simplest answer's the best one. Your problem is as much psychological as it is physical. Don't fear the food. With your metabolism and allergies, trust me, you're not getting fat.

Chubrock
09-14-2004, 03:33 PM
I know it's hard man, but don't even let yourself start thinking you've already gained weight. I know as soon as I did, I'd start eating less and less. Just remember, you've GOT to eat. As soon as you read this, go eat something. Eat a damn cheeseburger or something lol, just something.

_-_v_-_
09-15-2004, 07:03 AM
Thanks, E and Chub. Most likely, what I'm noticing is water retention / a symptom of overtraining-undereating / something along those lines, but that doesn't change the fact that it makes it hard as hell to eat. It continued all day yesterday, too.

Day 8: Back/Biceps

Chins: BW X 6; 35 X 3; 35 X 1.5; 25 X 3; 25 X 2.5; BW X 3; BW X 3

BB Row: 85 X 4; 85 X 3.5

DB Row: 45 X 4; 45 X 3; 45 X 3

T-Bar Row: +60 X 4; +60 X 3; +55 X 4, 50 X 3, 45 X 2 (drop-set)

EZ-Bar Curl: (Bar+50) X 2.5'; +40 X 4

EZ-Bar Preacher Curls: +20 X 6 + 3 post-failure

DB Hammer curl: 30 X 2.5; 25 X 4

Finished with ab work.

Workout: To be updated later.

Diet: To be updated later.

Thoughts:

I'll be busy today -- I have the opportunity to shadow a local cardiologist for half a day -- which means I won't lift until the afternoon (I typically lift in the morning.) Hopefully, I feel more normal today, though I honestly don't expect that I will.

I suppose it's also not a good sign that I'm simply not hungry at all -- I didn't eat particularly well yesterday, but I simply wasn't hungry, not in the least. It was the same on Monday, too.

_-_v_-_
09-15-2004, 01:21 PM
Update:

Shadowing went very well -- I'll write more about it when I have a moment or two (this evening, perhaps; or possibly tomorrow morning.)

I'll also have some blood work back by the end of the day, which should be interesting, to say the least. Either interesting, that is, or frightening -- and quite possibly both.

_-_v_-_
09-15-2004, 06:46 PM
Update: Today's workout has been posted.

_-_v_-_
09-15-2004, 08:11 PM
Thoughts on today's workout:

I'm tempted to ascribe my decrease performance to the fact that, well, my diet was not necessarily the greatest today, and that I trained in the afternoon, rather than in the morning, but I know that if I did, I'd only be lying to myself.

Because I spent this morning shadowing a local cardiologist, my diet today was necessarily strange:

Breakfast: 7:00 AM
2/3 cup oatmeal
25 g soy protein
7 almonds
4 FOC

Meal Two: 12:30
45 g whole wheat spaghetti
84 g tuna
4 FOC
1 tsp olive oil
Veggies

Meal Three: 3:10
1/3 cup oatmeal
25 g soy protein
3 cashews

Lifting: 4:50-5:50 (sipping the following while training)
50 g dextrose
25 g protein isolate (egg protein isolate)

Then dinner with family at 7:15-7:30.

Total calories, pre-lifting, were less than 1000, as you can see.

And yet, despite all this, I still am battlnig the irrational sense that I've gained fat lately. Correct me if I'm wrong, though, but if I were truly eating enough to gain visually-discernible amounts of fat, then transient daily fluctuations in carbohydrate/caloric intake relative to training sessions wouldn't make much of a difference. In other words, if I were really eating that much, then the resultant overall glycogen saturation would be sufficient to provide adequate energy for a workout.

Basically, the explanation for the fact that my lifts are decreasing is neither that: A) i'm overtraining; or B) I'm somehow eating enough to gain fat, but not eating enough IMMEDIATELY PRIOR TO A WORKOUT to provide sufficient fuel. B is simply a physiological impossibility, I suspect; and if A is the case, then I merely need to eat more.

And besides, how could I possibly have gained significant amounts of weight over the past three weeks when, for most/all of that period, I was eating less than 2000 calories a day (many days as low as 1500-1600; averaging between 1900-2000, I'd suspect).

Anyway, please help set my mind at ease -- and those who already've done so, thanks a lot. I really appreciate it.

So that's basically it. Is it fair to say that the only thing that could possibly explain my consistent performance decreases is improper nutrition?

Chubrock
09-15-2004, 10:02 PM
Let me say, this is all just opinion, but I really think that there is if only a little bit, a physcological side to your decreased performances. Personally I think that you've almost accepted the fact that in your current state you will lose some strength. I believe that if you could somehow change your mindset, and become confident, almost cocky that you will be improving your lifts, then I think you will see some improvement. Even though I say this, I also believe you aren't providing near enough fuel for your body. I think once you become more confident and start eating more, you will see a VAST improvement. Good luck man.

_-_v_-_
09-16-2004, 08:42 AM
Chub:

Perhaps there may well be a psychological component to my performance decreases; but understand, the intensity with which I train is, I believe, sufficient enough, and the force of my personality obsessive enough, to drive me each set to the point of exhaustion. I do not, and have never had, a psychology of "quitting early"; I push myself in all arenas far too hard, far too far, and far too fast, often to the detriment of my health and quality of life. So I do not think that I am merely expecting to fail and therefore failing -- such is simply not my personality.

Day Nine:HIIT

Workout: Lifecycle

Warmup: Level 5, 95 RPM, 5 minutes

45 second / 15 second intervals:
I1: L6, L11
I2: L6, L11
I3:L6, L10
I4: L6, L10
I5: L6, L9
I6: L6, L9
I7:L6, L9
I8:L6, L9

30 second / 15 second intervals:
I9:l6, l8
I10: L6, L8
I11: L6, L8
I12: L6, L8
I13: L6, L8
I14: L6, L8
I15: L6, L8
I16: L6, L8
I17: L6, L8

Cooldown:
Lifecycle: Level 5, 90 RPM, 5 minutes
Treadmill: 5 mins, 4.5 mph.

Total Lifecycle Distance: 7 miles.

Diet: To be updated later.

Thoughts:

Yesterday I had the opportunity, as I mentioned, to shadow a local cardiologist.

I have yet to recover from the experience of watching a corpulent fifty year-old man shuffle laboriously up a treadmill, sans shirt and any shred of human dignity.

I spent the day amongst shades, mere slivers of selves. I saw a woman who could not walk from bed to bathroom without suffocating; I saw a man with bones so brittle they would break if breathed upon. I learned how to dance the Parkinson's Shuffle, how to make Rheumatic Shadow Castle on the wall -- those gnarled knuckles cast the sturdiest ramparts, the most torture-twisted towers...

Any other thoughts on the above post of mine, btw? I'd love to hear them.

_-_v_-_
09-16-2004, 11:57 AM
Note: Posted today's HIIT session.

And yes, it decreased.

Any further thoughts?

Also received lab work back -- still show signs of slight anemia, despite taking a multi with the RDA of iron and B vitamins, and significant immunosuppression.

More interestingly, my sodium levels were low, and potassium levels elevated, both beyond the normal ranges. Significant?

Chubrock
09-16-2004, 12:21 PM
Have you tried hiding all the mirros and scales in your house. You've stated that in the past you've looked and felt like you were gaining fat. How about hiding all the mirrors and scales and going for an entire month without looking at yourself without your shirt on, or weighing yourself. You may find this helps you get past that initial fear persay. Just a suggestion buddy, just throwing things out there.

galileo
09-16-2004, 12:24 PM
More interestingly, my sodium levels were low, and potassium levels elevated, both beyond the normal ranges. Significant?

That comes as absolutely no shock whatsoever. Eat some frenchfries. ;)

_-_v_-_
09-16-2004, 09:04 PM
Have you tried hiding all the mirros and scales in your house. You've stated that in the past you've looked and felt like you were gaining fat. How about hiding all the mirrors and scales and going for an entire month without looking at yourself without your shirt on, or weighing yourself. You may find this helps you get past that initial fear persay. Just a suggestion buddy, just throwing things out there.

That's not a bad idea at all. I'm already working on not weighing myself as frequently; and I've found that my recent attempts to correct my electrolyte/fluid issues have made it easier for me to avoid focusing on my physical appearance ("cutness," etc...). Thanks, man.



That comes as absolutely no shock whatsoever. Eat some frenchfries.


Yeah, it's probably not surprising, considering I've been drinking over 12 L fluid per day, while simultaneously eating very little sodium and too much potassium.

No wonder I felt strange lately.

JustinF
09-17-2004, 12:28 PM
Nice HIIT session. And I would say yes, proper nutrition will go a LONG ways in getting your lifts back up, as well as your energy levels. As everybody has said, you just need to eat, bro.

You're on the right track. :thumbup:

_-_v_-_
09-17-2004, 01:05 PM
Yes, food is good.

Less than 1950-2000 calories is bad.

Simple enough, isn't it?

Lol.

_-_v_-_
09-17-2004, 02:59 PM
Day Ten: Chest/Triceps

Workout:

BB Bench: 45 X 12; 135 X 3; 145 X 0; 135 X 2; 125 X 4; 125 X 3; 125 X 2

Weighted Dips: +25 X 3; +25 X 2; +20 X 4; +20 X 3

Hammer Strength Iso-Press: (+80 per side) X 5; +80 X 4; +80 X 3, +75 X 2, +70 X 2 (dropset)

Cable Flies: 40 X 4; 40 X 4

EZ-Curl Skullcrushers: )(EZ+50) X 2 + 4 CGBP; +40 X 3 + 4 CGBP; +35 X 4 + 4 CGBP

Note: The above lift comprises a superset; when I can no longer do another skullcrusher, I immediately go into a set of close-grip bench presses with the EZ-bar.

Overhead Cable Extensions: 40 X 3; 35 X 5

V-Grip Tricep Pressdowns: 65 X 4

Diet: Perhaps, for once, I'll actually update this section.

Thoughts:

I spent the morning shadowing a local neurologist.

Well, at least here he's a neurologist. In a different world, he's a malevolent digital entity, capable of such feats as infinite self-replication, wire-assisted martial prestidigitation, and excessive verbal enunciation, bent upon transglobal domination.

Yes, that's right. My neurologist is Hugo Weaving.

I kept waiting for him to follow up a question like: "Do you know what today's date is?" with "Do you....remember.... me....Misterrrrrrr.....Anderrrrson?"

He not only spoke as Agent Smith spoke; he looked as Agent Smith looked; he even MOVED as Agent Smith moved.

It was terrifying, I tell you. Terrifying.

But aside from precipitating an unremititing sense of unreasoning terror, the shadowing went quite well. Except, of course, that neurologists ipso facto deal with more malingerers than your average elementary school nurse during flu season.

_-_v_-_
09-17-2004, 08:44 PM
Note: I've posted today's workout.

And yes, it decreased.

But, for once, I have good news! And no, I didn't save any money on my car insurance.

_-_v_-_
09-17-2004, 09:12 PM
My diet before lifting today was poor, due to shadowing -- I perhaps ate 900-950 calories before training. And of course I consumed my typical training supplement: 50 g dextrose / 25 g protein.

But afterwards...

Afterwards I ate dinner with my family. We served hamburgers: juicy, 1/3lb homemade burgers made of 96% lean ground beef (it was what my father purchased; don't blame me.)

Yes, that's right. I ate a hamburger.

A thick, flame-grilled slab of beef, topped with fresh grilled onions and mushrooms, crisp iceberg lettuce, and a fresh slice of hothouse tomato, served on a toasted white bun slathered with low-carb ketchup (normal ketchup is far too sweet for my tastes) and mustard.

On the side we served homemade oven fries -- sliced real potatoes, broiled with a bit of olive oil spray and topped lightly with fresh-ground pepper.

Not too long ago I couldn't have eaten that meal. No matter that, calorically, it wasn't excessive -- my appetite has yet to recover from this summer's stress; I was able to eat the entirety of the burger, save perhaps 1/3 of the bun, which disintegrated, and a few of the "fries -- but not too long ago I would have nevertheless considered it unconscionably "unclean." The bread was not whole wheat; the meat, not weighed; the condiments, despite being low-carb, too high in sodium; the potatoes, not dry but sprayed lightly with olive oil; the total calories, fat and carbohydrate and protein, unknown.

And yet I ate it, at least as much of it as I could -- the burger, 2/3 the bun, a few fries -- and enjoyed every bite.

The dinner was part and parcel of what is, I believe, my first truly deliberate effort to remedy my situation. I've talked the talk for far too long; it's time to walk the proverbial walk. And please, promise me: if I ever, ever use that hackneyed bromide again, just shoot me right in the ****ing face. Please.

I'm tired of the way my pants hang about my hips, the way they slip and slide, the way they rest always one step from embarassment. I'm tired of lifting one set of weights while losing my own. I'm tired of pushing myself not toward a goal but into a ****ing wall. I'm tired of the night sweats, the wasted energy and effort, the misspent money, the lost time. I'm tired of the way I've felt for so long.

But most of all I'm tired of the lies: not only the lies I told my parents, but also the lies I told myself. I told myself I was fat when I wasn't, that I was gaining weight when I wasn't, that I was making changes when I wasn't, and most of all that I wasn't good enough when I was. I was like a man cutting his wrists in a room full of tourniquets. And I'm tired of bleeding, dammit. I'm tired of confusing health with harm, and death with life.

All of this, of course, is merely a roundabout way of saying that my days of fixation are, I think, finally over. I know this may sound familiar, but I promise you that, for once, it's true.

Before I go to bed tonight I'm downing not my typical calculated pre-bed snack -- 250-300 calories of, depending upon what I ate for dinner, either 1/3 or 1/2 cup oatmeal, a bit of fat, and 25 g of protein in some form or another -- but an actual shake. A weight-gain shake.

Maybe, after a few weeks of eating, I'll be able to sleep through the night without being awakened by limbs falling asleep. That's what happens, of course, when your body fat percentage is so low that, no matter what position you sleep in, you lack the cushioning to prevent some random nerve from being pinched.

Chubrock
09-17-2004, 09:33 PM
Hell yea man. Now that's what I'm talking bout'!!! After awhile fella, you'll get to the point where you will go and eat another one of them hamburgers before bed. You're getting there buddy.

_-_v_-_
09-17-2004, 09:46 PM
Well, that hamburger wasn't exactly a caloric barnburner, you know?

Chubrock
09-17-2004, 09:49 PM
Hey buddy, it's a step, and a step in the right direction I might add. Your next step is to eat a cheeseburger from Wendys.....

_-_v_-_
09-17-2004, 10:22 PM
No can do.

I'm fatally allergic to all dairy products, all nut products save cashews and almonds, all shellfish, some fruit, and some vegetables.

Chubrock
09-17-2004, 10:26 PM
Dang dude, that sucks. No worries though. Try one of Wendy's Spicy Chicken Sandwiches. They are AWESOME and have a good amount of calories.

_-_v_-_
09-18-2004, 09:05 AM
Day Eleven: Legs

Workout:

Deadlifts: 135 X 6; 185 X 4; 205 X 1; 195 X 2; 185 X 4; 185 X 2; 175 X 4

Leg Press: Sled+270 X 5; +270 X 4; +270 X 3, +260 X 3, +250 X 3 (dropset); +250 X 7

Single-Leg Quad Extension: 40 X 5, 40 X 4

Double Leg Quad Extension: 90 X 4, 80 X 2, 60 X 0 (dropset)

Lying Leg Curls: 70 X 3.5; 60 X 5; 60 X 4.

Seated Calf Raises: 70 X 5; 60 X 6; 60 X 5

Finished with some sled calf raises

Total time: 65-70 minutes.

Yes, these decreases are significant, and depressing. Yet if my suspicions are correct, I should start to see some increases soon.

3000 calories, here I come.

Diet: To be updated later

Thoughts:

Am I healed? Am I better?

You better damn well believe it.

I did something last night that I wouldn't have been able to do at any point in the last four years, something that I often thought I'd never be able to do again. I broke a habit, defied a dietary law, rebelled against my own irrational authority; I began the insurgency against the forces which have for so long held unencroachable dominion over my body, mind, and soul. And as a first furtive foray, a tentative thrust across a most tenebrous terrain, a vast and eldritch landscape across which march Lovecraftian figures in regular and well-equipped patrols, it was remarkably successful. In fact, I'd even go so far as to tout it as a resounding victory -- an unprecedented triumph, even, one deserving of granite and marble commemoration, one meriting, perhaps, permanent concretization in the annals of human memory. But that's enough humility for now :)

So enough circumlocution. What exactly happened? What precisely did I do?

Yesterday, I did some grocery shopping. And by shopping I mean not only "merely procuring items of a comestible nature at the local place of commerce" but "employing means financial and deliberate to shatter most cruelly the accreted habits of four deeply-disordered years."

Yes, that's right. I bought food. Real food, whole food. Food I've never bought before.

I bought two types of soy ice cream -- one of which could easily be placed in any bbing diet. The first type, which I don't have near me right now -- otherwise I would post the requisite link -- is a low-carb Butter Pecan (all carbs are either fibrous, whole grain, or a bit of sugar alcohol) with a good deal of healthful fat. It tastes fantastic, particularly in a shake, and is calorically quite reasonable: 1/2 cup (80g) is 150 cals, 12 g fat, 16 g carbs, 2 p, if I remember correctly. The second type is a more typical soy ice cream, which likewise tastes fantastic: 1/2 cup (80g)is 4 g fat, 2 g protein, and 24 g carbs, of which 10 g is dehydrated cane juice.

So what did I do? I made a milkshake of sorts. Was it perfect? Far from it. Was it that calorically excessive? Not yet; I'm working up to that.

But it was damn good. 60 g of the first ice cream + 30 g of the second + 1/3 cup oatmeal plus lots of Saigon cinnamon plus sugar-free syrup + 27 g of soy protein + sweeteners + crushed ice = goodness.

It was good, I tell you. Good.

Yes, I know I could use more calories. Yes, I know I need to work on that. But consider that I actually ate two things in a given day that weren't "perfect," that I actually ate something containing sugar (even if it was dehydrated cane juice, which is hardly high-fructose corn syrup), that I actually didn't calculate my total caloric intake, that I even relaxed my grip upon myself in the slightest; consider this, ye mortals, and despair! :) (Ozymandias ain't got NOTHIN' on me)

That's it. More after the workout.

JustinF
09-18-2004, 10:04 AM
Awesome. That's the kind of **** I want to keep seeing in here. Nice work bro.

I'd venture to guess you're going to have a good workout too, not only due to the food, but your more positive attitude. Kick ass bro, keep it up. :thumbup:

_-_v_-_
09-18-2004, 12:46 PM
Note: Above workout has been posted.

Thanks, Justin. I'm going to continue to make every effort to change my ways :)

Isaac Wilkins
09-18-2004, 12:48 PM
W00t! Good on the variety front. Small steps = success.

_-_v_-_
09-18-2004, 08:15 PM
Thanks, B.

Today, however, I'm not sure how things went. I've simply been exhausted, have been moving nonstop -- I leave on Monday for Palo Alto, and so today was rather...well...busy.

So needless to say I've been a bit distracted -- hell, I'm too tired to eat, it seems.

Canadian Crippler
09-18-2004, 08:19 PM
- v - , what's you're age and height man?

_-_v_-_
09-18-2004, 08:52 PM
I'm 20. 5'7''. And perhaps 118 lbs.

Chubrock
09-23-2004, 08:41 AM
Alright lil dude, where you at man???? Come back, come back towards the light.

_-_v_-_
09-25-2004, 04:32 PM
I'm still around, don't worry.

I've just been on the road a bit. My father and I headed down to Stanford a bit early -- there was an investment conference in San Fran. he wanted to attend -- so we've just been kicking it down here a bit. He heads out tomorrow, in fact.

Diet has been meh -- insufficient, almost certainly. With my allergies, eating on the road can be a bit of a chore.

Training? Abysmal.

But my apartment is apocalyptically stocked -- with the amount of food I now have, I could survive zombies, World War III, AND Judgement Day. I've done all my errands, completed all my chores; I'm ready for the quarter. So bring the pain, Stanford -- next to the MCAT, you ain't **** :).

_-_v_-_
09-26-2004, 09:50 PM
Day One: Active Recovery:

Training:

Running and walking: 25 minutes.
Miscellaneous walking: 50 minutes of errands.

Diet: Better. I'd rather not write about it right now, though -- suffice to say that while it may not have been quantitatively better, it was certainly qualitatively better.

Thoughts:

I suppose that I should offer some justification for having restarted my "countdown," as it were; that my readers, if indeed there exist in these Lovecraftian digital expanses, unkenned by mind or hand of man, such eldritch and rare creatures, merit an explanation for my apparent renunciation of both my promise and my plan; that, in fact, I owe such explication not only to the spirit of this board, nor only to my readers, but also to myself.

Ok. You've convinced me. Here goes.

As I mentioned, I spent the last week with my dad. On Monday, we drove from home to Reno, where we stayed the night; on Tuesday, we completed the vehicular portion of our journey, traversing those vertiginous and lonely distances which bind the desert in its proper place, its prison. Wednesday we attended an investment conference in San Francisco, the nation's most overrated city. We made quite the pair, setting with our baseball caps and blue jeans a stark contrast against a sea of slacks and suits. Thursday we ran errands, stocking up my apartment against distasters both external and internal (it is the latter variety, of course, which I fear the most); and we watched Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow, which was, in our humble opinion, only the greatest movie ever made. Or so we thought, at any rate, until on Friday we saw Shaun of the Dead. See that movie. Now. Or die an utter waste, a failure, a feckless and futile fool. Yesterday we ran our final errands and drove down, after I trained, to Half Moon Bay, where we had lunch and strolled along the sea and through the shops of downtown, where the smell of cloven cigarettes was strong amidst the spray and salt. After dinner we somehow managed to score a pair of free tickets to the Stanford-USC game; we watched the final quarter perched like twin kings high atop the platform where the visiting team can, if they are so inclined, film the game; and there, incognito in our blues and greys, we surveyed with regal satisfaction the sea of USC red and gold beneath our feet. And today, after I treated him to a final breakfast, he departed; and I was left alone with my memories, my regrets, and, for once, my satisfaction. Because I did something I'd never done before, something I think I should have done a long time ago: I confessed, and I apologized.

It happened at breakfast today. All week I'd faced the growing realization that I wasn't eating well enough, that I was truly disordered, that I was contradicting my promises, that I wasn't meeting the most basic need of all: self-sustenance; self-maintenance; indeed, basic survival. I wasn't sleeping well, and more importantly wasn't thinking well; and as a consequence, I came to feel, my ability to interact with my father, my capacity to converse and enjoy my time with him, was compromised. I felt often in a fog, adrift and alone in clouds I myself called down.

So this morning I made a promise to buy him breakfast. He doesn't typically eat breakfast -- is indeed quite happy going without food until lunch -- but as a treat, particularly on a day when he was going to spend much of his time in airports and on planes, he loves a good, hearty breakfast. We went to the local Stacks', one of several such establishments in the Bay Area -- with the possible exception of Hobee's, Stacks' serves the best breakfast money can buy.

But my intention this morning was not merely to treat my father to what I knew he'd love. It was also to force myself not only to eat more but to eat normally; it was also to prove to my dad that I'd changed, and to apologize for all that I've done. I know that, over the past four years, I've unintentionally upset my parents with my dietary rigidity, with my ridiculuous rejection of my mother's cooking, with my fixation on self-prepared perfection. I know that I've caused them troubles; and I feel guilty that they've been so accepting, that they've tolerated such obsessive habits for so long. And so I wanted to apologize, and to eat a normal breakfast (within the limits, of course, imposed by my allergies.)

The apology was awkward and inaccurate; the confession was halting, the words missuited and misfit; the path circumlocutory, the sense conveyed but never fully expressed, I felt. But I think he understood; and I think he accepted.

As for the food? In one sense, nothing worked out; in another sense, everything worked out. I couldn't eat the pancakes, couldn't eat the bread, couldn't even eat the potatoes or the hashbrowns. I couldn't order what I truly wanted, what I would have preferred to have had, not only to treat myself but to show my father the sincerity of my efforts and my words. So I had to improvise as best I could. I ordered what little I could eat: three poached eggs, served with a dry toasted white bagel, fresh tomatoes and onions, a side of strawberries, and a dry-grilled chicken breast. From this I made a messy bagel-egg-tomato-onion sandwich, with some chicken on the side for extra protein. No, it wasn't what I'd intended; no, it wasn't what I wanted; but consider that it wasn't uncommon for me to take oatmeal or my own bread into restaurants when travelling, that not too long ago I'd never have eaten the meal I ate today (because the bread was not whole wheat; because the calories weren't known; etc...).

The rest of the day went better as well. I was far less obessive, far more flexible; I have no idea precisely how many calories I've eaten (I have only a rough estimate.) And I hope the rest of the week goes even better.

Classes start tomorrow; we'll see how well I integrate training and eating with learning and stress.

As for lifting yesterday, I trained legs, and my strength decreased remarkably, as it's done all week. That was part of my epiphany, of course.

I'm tired. Out.

Chubrock
09-26-2004, 10:07 PM
It's good to see ya back man. Just keep taking small steps, and eventually everything will begin to take shape. Just keep at it, and don't ever give up.

JustinF
09-27-2004, 06:58 AM
Be sure that your father accepted. You need not feel guilty about your parent's acceptance, either. That's what parents do, the love and everything else that goea along with it is unconditional. You've made incredible gains thus far, keep it up bro.

_-_v_-_
09-27-2004, 08:49 AM
Day Two: Upper Body

Training:

CHEST:
BB Bench: 45 X 12; 95 x 6; 135 X 3; 125 X 6; 125 X 5 + 2 postfailure
Weighted Dips: +25 X 5; +25 X 4
Cable Flies: 45 X 8; 45 X 7 + 10 pushups (superset)

BACK:
Weighted Chins: BW X 6; +25 X 4; +25 X 4; BW X 3 (wide-grip)
T-Bar Rows +55 X 3; +50 X 5; +50 X 4
DB Pullovers: 37.5 X 8; 37.5 X 6

SHOULDERS/TRAPS
BB Behind the Neck Press: 85 X 3 + 3 post-failure; 75 X 5 + 3 post-failure.
Hang Clean and Press: 75 X 2; 65 X 5; 65 X 4
Cable Lateral Raises: 20 X 4; 20 X 3, 15 X 4 (dropset)
BB Shrugs: 175 X 6; 165 X 5

TOTAL TIME: 70 minutes.

Diet: To be updated later.

Weight: 116-117 lbs; bf%: 5%.

Thoughts:

Thanks for the support, all. Today classes begin, so I should have quite a bit of time to ponder what I've left to do.

Schedule for today:

9:00-10:50 AM: Genetics of Prokaryotes
11:00-11:50: Molecular and Cellular Immunology
1:15-3:05: Molecular and Cell Neurobiology.

I'll train after my final class.[QUOTE]

_-_v_-_
09-27-2004, 08:53 PM
I suppose I should explain the variation in training.

Simply put: I started studying training the way I recently studied nutrition -- I availed myself of Pubmed, perused Avantlabs, and spoke with Powerman. Based upon what little actual information I managed to retain, it seems that, when bulking, it may in fact be quite efficacious to train muscles twice weekly (assuming, of course, that proper care is taken to avoid CNS fatigue, etc...)

I've constructed the following tentative routine (merely a variation of my current one, actually):

Sat: Legs/calves (as I've been doing)
Sun: Active recovery (light intensity / long duration cardio)
Mon: Upper body
Tue: HIIT
Wed: Back/biceps
Thr: HIIT
Fri: Chest/triceps

Of course, it will be quite a challenge for me to gain on this routine given my current activity levels here at college (45-90 minutes of walking per day, typically). But given my current hormonal milieu, and given my renewed efforts to eat more, I think this routine may prove more effective than that which I'd been following.

Any thoughts? DL? Gal?

_-_v_-_
09-28-2004, 08:59 AM
Day Three:HIIT:

Training: Lifecycle HIIT:

Warmup: Level 5, 100 RPM, 5 minutes. Total Distance: 1.3 miles.

Intervals:

Methodology:
15 seconds: 105-120 RPM (When I'm unable to hit a minimum of 105 RPM in a given interval, I decrease the setting for the next interval)
30 seconds: 95 RPM.
All intervals below are given in the following format: 30s/15s.

I1: Level 6, Level 11.
I2: L6, L11
I3: L6, L11
I4: L6, L11
I5: L6, L11
I6: L6, L10
I7: L6, L10
I8: L6, L10
I9: L6, L10
I10: L6, L10
I11: L6, L10
I12: L6, L9
I13: L6, L9
I14: L6, L9
I15: L6, L9
I16: L6, L9
I17: L6, L9

Cooldown:
Lifecycle: Level 6, 95 RPM, 5 minutes.
Treadmill: 4.5 mph, 5 minutes.

Total Lifecycle Time and Distance: 23 minutes; 6.5 miles
Total Treadmill Distance: 0.4 miles.


Diet:

Thoughts:

I have to admit that yesterday's workout was quite possibly the single most enjoyable workout I've had in months -- years, even. Why this was, I'm not particularly sure. Perhaps it was merely the fact that it constituted a drastic departure from routine; perhaps I had grown bored without realizing it; perhaps I was suffocating from a stultifying staleness; perhaps I was merely an idiot; and perhaps (indeed, almost certainly) all of the above. Nevertheless, it was enjoyable, and I must say that I have, for once, a good feeling about the routine. Assuming I somehow find it within myself to eat not only better but more, I think that I may make some substantial gains with this program.

Which reminds me: I feel so very close to something substantial, something tangible, something, for once, real. It is as if I've spent months hacking my way through brambles and thickets of my own generation -- a tangled jungle I myself have sown and whose thorns and bitter fruits I now must reap -- and am now, bleeding and battered but not bowed, glimpsing just past my ceaselessly-slicing machete the first faint rays of a long-forgotten sun. Can I explain it any more clearly? Doubtful. Am I perhaps deluding myself? Is that warmth I feel upon my face not sun but instead the searing heat of a spewing volcano? Does it even matter? The only way to know is to press on; the only way out is ahead, is forward, is through. And despite what may lie ahead -- success or failure; reward or ruin -- the fact remains that I have made substantial progress. And for this I am, and will always be, grateful.

To Do:

Immunology: 152-156. DONE
Genetics of Prokaryotes: 113-117, 126-136, 139-143.
Call CDC:

galileo
09-28-2004, 10:16 AM
Based upon what little actual information I managed to retain, it seems that, when bulking, it may in fact be quite efficacious to train muscles twice weekly (assuming, of course, that proper care is taken to avoid CNS fatigue, etc...)

I've constructed the following tentative routine (merely a variation of my current one, actually):

Sat: Legs/calves (as I've been doing)
Sun: Active recovery (light intensity / long duration cardio)
Mon: Upper body
Tue: HIIT
Wed: Back/biceps
Thr: HIIT
Fri: Chest/triceps

Of course, it will be quite a challenge for me to gain on this routine given my current activity levels here at college (45-90 minutes of walking per day, typically). But given my current hormonal milieu, and given my renewed efforts to eat more, I think this routine may prove more effective than that which I'd been following.

Any thoughts? DL? Gal?


Given what I've read of your condition, I feel the need to be remiss in any sort of rigid recommendations. I'm not a psychologist by any stretch, but it appears as though you may benefit from a more haphazard rountine. That in itself is an oxymoron.

Forward, onward...questions about your routine.

Sunday - May be counterproductive in some sense. You're legs will be utilized at least 3 days out of the week, perhaps a break on Sunday would be helpful.
Monday - Upper body? Is this a light day for chest/back/arms?


I'm not so sure about the amount of HIIT you're doing, especially with your propensity to be anoretic. I would suggest a regime that focuses around 2 rest days a week. In your outline, Sunday and Thursday would be the two I'd select. You can keep your Tuesday HIIT, but keep the session short.


For what it is worth, I worked with a 2x/week routine focused on hypertrophy this winter and I ended up with more plusses in the strength column. I believe my bench press increased about 60lbs or so and my atf squats somewhere close. You can check my journal from 11/03-02/04 to see more details. I gained maybe 10lbs during that period, but I was very lax in eating. I could only maintain about 3000-3500 calories daily and I needed more at that point. Also, I was really not in a bulking mood, as strange as that sounds. I ended my bulk only gaining a few pounds of fat, then totally blew the entire thing on a 4 month binge of food and stressful activity.

Suggestion:

Day 1: heavy chest, heavy bis, light back, light tris.
Day 2: heavy quads, light hams, heavy calves
Day 3: off
Day 4: heavy back, heavy tris, light chest, light bis
Day 5: heavy hams, light quads, heavy calves
Day 6: off
Day 7: HIIT

For heavy motions - 1 exercise, 2-3 sets of 5-8. Once your strength stalls, move down to the lower end and try to progress. (I used 3-5 and moved down to 5. I think more may have been better)

For light motions - 1 exercise, 3 sets of 12-15 reps, 30 second rest intervals.


My next bulking routine will probably be like what DoggCrapp recommends. I believe he has a series of articles on http://www.intensemuscle.com/ for you to get a better idea.

Are you allergic to nuts? milk? oils? If no to any of them, I would consider each to be medicine. 1 tbsp natty peanut butter, 1 glass of whole milk, and/or 1 tbsp olive oil a few times a day. That will ensure that you are getting the extra calories that you need. At 118, I don't think I'd fret over fat gain for a long time.

P.S. - I didn't proofread this, so if anything sounds weird, I apologize in advance.

_-_v_-_
09-28-2004, 12:49 PM
Given what I've read of your condition, I feel the need to be remiss in any sort of rigid recommendations. I'm not a psychologist by any stretch, but it appears as though you may benefit from a more haphazard rountine. That in itself is an oxymoron.

Forward, onward...questions about your routine.


LMAO. Brilliant, man. And appropriate, too, if I may say so myself: after all, what am I but a collection of oxymorons.


Sunday - May be counterproductive in some sense. You're legs will be utilized at least 3 days out of the week, perhaps a break on Sunday would be helpful.


I had included this day for two reasons -- two ostensible reasons, of course, since likely the real reason was that I can hardly stand a day without activity (as if I didn't already get enough activity due to my living arrangements). The first reason was to alleviate the soreness from leg day; the second, to improve my overall endurance/cardiovascular fitness.


Monday - Upper body? Is this a light day for chest/back/arms?
.

I included this day based upon DL's recommendations -- basically, this allows hit each upper body group twice weekly, with different rep/volume methodologies employed in each session.



I'm not so sure about the amount of HIIT you're doing, especially with your propensity to be anoretic. I would suggest a regime that focuses around 2 rest days a week. In your outline, Sunday and Thursday would be the two I'd select. You can keep your Tuesday HIIT, but keep the session short.


I have to admit that I'd be loathe to drop the HIIT, given how much I enjoy it, and given the fact that, honestly, if I don't do it, it's going to be a hell of a lot more difficult for me to eat more. If I find myself stagnating on either my leg training or my HIIT, I'll cut back.

Interesting enough, however, I've noticed quite a substantial improvement in the vascularity/muscularity of my legs since I've adopted the twice-weekly HIIT training in addition to my leg training. Granted, I've lost weight, but my legs seem to have suffered minimal atrophy.


For what it is worth, I worked with a 2x/week routine focused on hypertrophy this winter and I ended up with more plusses in the strength column. I believe my bench press increased about 60lbs or so and my atf squats somewhere close. You can check my journal from 11/03-02/04 to see more details. I gained maybe 10lbs during that period, but I was very lax in eating. I could only maintain about 3000-3500 calories daily and I needed more at that point. Also, I was really not in a bulking mood, as strange as that sounds. I ended my bulk only gaining a few pounds of fat, then totally blew the entire thing on a 4 month binge of food and stressful activity.


I hear you about stressful activity -- that's how I got here, after all. And I must admit that the idea of training more often, and training with more intensity but less failure, appeals to me quite a bit. Perhaps this is merely related to my general desire to want to do everything "all-out," to want to push myself as hard as possible, to never do anything "half-ass," to be so goddamn perfectionistic in every aspect of my life.

Or perhaps it's just fun. Yeah. That's it.



Suggestion:

Day 1: heavy chest, heavy bis, light back, light tris.
Day 2: heavy quads, light hams, heavy calves
Day 3: off
Day 4: heavy back, heavy tris, light chest, light bis
Day 5: heavy hams, light quads, heavy calves
Day 6: off
Day 7: HIIT

For heavy motions - 1 exercise, 2-3 sets of 5-8. Once your strength stalls, move down to the lower end and try to progress. (I used 3-5 and moved down to 5. I think more may have been better)

For light motions - 1 exercise, 3 sets of 12-15 reps, 30 second rest intervals.

My next bulking routine will probably be like what DoggCrapp recommends. I believe he has a series of articles on http://www.intensemuscle.com/ for you to get a better idea.



Thanks, man. I'll check out that site. As for the routine, that looks somewhat like what I'll be doing, in a sense. I'll post more details on that in a bit.



Are you allergic to nuts? milk? oils? If no to any of them, I would consider each to be medicine. 1 tbsp natty peanut butter, 1 glass of whole milk, and/or 1 tbsp olive oil a few times a day. That will ensure that you are getting the extra calories that you need. At 118, I don't think I'd fret over fat gain for a long time.


Um, unfortunately, if it tastes good, or if it has more calories than the typical contents of Calista Flockheart's refrigerator, I'm probably allergic to it. I'm fatally allergic to: nuts (save almonds, cashews, and sunflower seeds); all dairy products; all shellfish products; some fruit; some vegetables; and a few other assorted items.

I am, however, making progress, I think, on the eating front -- at least within the context of where I so recently was, of how badly I've recently been.

P.S. - I didn't proofread this, so if anything sounds weird, I apologize in advance.[/QUOTE]

Don't worry about it, man. THanks again.

_-_v_-_
09-28-2004, 08:37 PM
I'm exhausted, quite honestly.

I'm going to try to get some extra sleep tonight.

Does anyone happen to have any experience with sleeping difficulties as they relate to ones overall physiological condition -- i.e., overtraining, undernutrition, etc? I find that I can't sleep past five in the morning, despite the fact that I quite obviously need to sleep a good deal more than I am.

JustinF
09-29-2004, 08:40 AM
I rarely sleep more than 5 hours a night. I can't comment on results with adequate sllep vs those with extra sleep, as I have gotten that little sleep as long as I can remember. That said, I still achieve decent gains.

_-_v_-_
09-29-2004, 03:06 PM
Day Four: Back/Biceps/Abs.

Training:

Chins: (warmup) BW X 6; +25 X 4; +20 X 6; +20 X 4; +15 X 5

BB Row: 75 X 5

I've come to the conclusion that I hate these. Perhaps I'm not built properly for them; perhaps I'm doing them incorrectly; or perhaps I'm just an idiot; but I cannot stand them. They feel pointless, entirely without benefit or purpose.

So I changed exercises. Pretend I didn't even do the BB rows. They never happened, okay? You can't prove anything.

DB Row: 40 X 6.5; 40 X 6; 40 X 6

T-Bar Row: +50 X 6; +45 X 8

V-Grip Pulldown: 140 X 6; 130 X 7

EZ-Bar Curl: (Bar+40) X 4; +30 X 8

DB Hammer Curl: 27.5 X 6; 25 X 7

Finished with cable crunches, weighted roman chair side bends, and some decline work. (5 total sets)

Yeah, I know, it was a bit more volume than probably was proper -- but at least I avoided drop sets and excessive post-failure work! I ascribe much of the volume to my inexperience with this routine -- I'm still feeling things out, attempting to figure out just what I'm supposed to do. Hence I'll likely be making a fool of myself for a few weeks; but, hey, what else is new?

Diet:

Thoughts:

I need some advice/assistance.

Wow. I bet THAT statement came as a shock to you :)

Imagine that, -v- needing help. What a stunner! What a revelation!

I'm attempting to eat more, and to eat that which I haven't eaten in ages. I find, however, that my options are limited by habit -- that, in other words, I have trouble conceiving of novel meal ideas and, in lieu of cooking something different, I tend to fall back on easily-measured, habituated standbys (2/3 cup oatmeal, 1/4 cup uncooked brown rice, etc...)

What sort of meals do you cook? I'm tired of adulterating my food with a multiplicity of calorie-free substances -- I'm sick of trying, in a single meal, every single possible gustatory permutation (one variety of calorie-free butter on this bit of rice, another variety of calorie-free butter on that bit of rice, etc...) I want normality; I want simplicity; I want nondisordered reality.

Breakfast ideas? Dinner ideas? Just throw things out there and see what sticks. Granted, without dairy products and nut products, the options will be restricted; but I'll gladly listen to ideas.

Wherefore this request? Something strange that happened last night -- or, more precisely, the last three nights.

I try to eat something before I go to bed. THe problem is, however, that by the time the late evening rolls around, I'm tired enough that I cannot think clearly, it seems -- it is as if I cannot decide what I want to eat. And so the last three nights I've made the same thing, even though I don't really like it, per se -- I mean, I don't hate it, but it doesn't really taste that good, you know? I've cooked bastardized oatmeal-protein pancakes (1/3 cup oatmeal, 2 eggs, 10 g soy protein powder, vanilla extract, cinnamon, artificial sweetener) and topped them with every possible permutation of several sugar-free syrups and calorie-free butters. It's a deeply disordered process; and a depressing sight, I'm sure. First a bit of that butter with this syrup; then this butter with that syrup; then butter with cinnamon and equal and no syrup; etc...

I'm sick of that. It's not food. It's not eating. It's neither. I want normality, simplicity; I want to be able to taste the food itself and appreciate it for what it is. Etc...

I'm not sure I'm making this clear at all. Am I conveying anything at all? Am I making any sense?

_-_v_-_
09-29-2004, 06:38 PM
I'm going to cross-post the above question in the diet forum, I think, just to increase its exposure. And I'll post today's workout in just a moment.

_-_v_-_
09-29-2004, 07:42 PM

_-_v_-_
09-29-2004, 07:42 PM
Workout has been posted above.

galileo
09-30-2004, 05:20 AM
You're probably looking for something epic, but I would suggest you eat anything that you're not allergic to, yet still like. You mentioned pasta before. You should be eating a plate-sized portion with some form of meat. You should saturate your pasta sauce with olive oil. You should have some almond butter (not allergic to almonds if I recall) on bread. Any kind of bread, if you complain about the potential fat gain I'll kill you.

Can you use regular butter? I'm lactose intolerant, but I can still eat buttered foods. If this is the case for you, I'd suggest getting the taste for "buffalo" variety foods like Dairy Queen's buffalo chicken strip basket with fries. A big basket can be something like 1200 calories.

God, even with your dietary restrictions, I would love to have that kind of freedom. Now I shall return to my carbless hell. Damn you.

_-_v_-_
09-30-2004, 08:52 AM
Gal: Thanks, man.

Whole wheat pasta may be out of the question, I think -- for some reason, I always tend to feel odd after eating it (stomach feels...strange, as if bloated, and gas isn't uncommon, both for the immediate hours afterward and, if I eat it for dinner, the following morning).

What's your opinion of steamed red potatoes / baked potatoes? Of course the latter are lambasted as "high-GI," but in the context of a meal I know that's hardly relevant. You think much of the glycemic hype is at all substantiable, by the way? Just curious.

There's always brown rice....ugh. Brown ****ing rice.

Nope, butter's out of the question. Any dairy product = insta-death. Likewise 99% of fast-food is verboten -- much of it contains whey and/or other milk derivatives; and even that which is devoid of dairy remains quite risky, since nearly every establishment uses vegetable oil rather than canola or olive oil. Vegetable oil, you see, can be a blend of numerous varieties of oil, including peanut; and not only does the label often not properly specify the origins of said constituent oils, but also there exists the possibility of cross-contamination with peanut oil in the production process. Hence I have to be quite careful.

The more I think about it, the more I wish I didn't live alone; the more I wish I lived in a dorm, and ate with friends, with reinforcers of normalcy (well, at least to the degree that anyone here at Stanford can be expected to enforce "normalcy.")

I posted the following as a clarification in the diet thread, but, what the hell, I'll post it here as well:

Bump for thoughts/advice. And I suppose it may help if I clarify the situation somewhat, as I realize that the above post was somewhat disjointed/rambling -- as you may well expect, I was tired, not to mention a bit frustrated, when I wrote it.

When one has lived a certain way for so long -- when one has, for so many years, eaten so many of the very same things -- change becomes exceedingly difficult at levels both conceptual and practical. I have crossed the former hurdle, thankfully; I have accepted the necessity, and the reality, of change; all that remains is merely the mundane quotidia of making the change. And this is where my difficulties lie.

This morning provides, I think, a good example of what I mean. I spent fifteen minutes this morning debating what to have for breakfast. Certainly I wasn't without options -- it was not as if I was bereft of food and attempting to craft a makeshift meal. Indeed, it was almost as if I had too many options; I couldn't decide what I wanted, what sounded good, what I liked. I had no real ideas beyond the old stand-bys. And that's why I'm beseeching some advice.

If I'm going to get the sheer number of calories I know I need, I'm going to have to change my habits; I'm going to have to shatter a rusted and ill-fitting dietary paradigm. I have a rut from which I need to escape posthaste. And I'm open to suggestions: breakfast ideas; lunch ideas; foods sans adulteration, foods as they are and should be.

Does that make things any clearer? Thanks again, all.

JustinF
09-30-2004, 09:22 AM
Why not just eat regular pasta and white rice? In your case, you do not need it to be whole wheat, or brown, in the case of the rice. You just need cals man.

Isaac Wilkins
09-30-2004, 09:35 AM
I can't remember if you can eat honey or any dried fruit, but how about this: Rice (white works better for this than brown, but brown can be used), mixed with honey and raisens or dates, etc. Good stuff.

galileo
09-30-2004, 09:40 AM
That sounds pretty good!

_-_v_-_
09-30-2004, 09:45 AM
Holy ****. Yes, it does.

And fructose is, well, not something I need to worry about, at any rate :)

Any idea of how much fruit one would need to eat to saturate living glycogen and induce DNL (forgive me if I've butchered the terminology)?

galileo
09-30-2004, 09:46 AM
Ok v00d00, you're unbelievably restricted, but I think you can still get by. Definitely buy some almond butter if you can. Health food stores often have a modicum of nut butters, but almond is typically one of them. Perhaps an IV drip bag of glucose may work. Unless you're allergic to needles too. ;)

I love bagels, so that'd be good if they work for you. Um...eat more fatty meats? I'm allergic to beef and pork, so maybe we can live vicariously through each other. Ever try to make your own protein bars? Oatmeal + almond butter + honey + [some protein powder that won't kill you] + raisins + cinammon + splend....err I mean sugar. Yes, lots of sugar.

Burritos? Can you eat legumes? Make a mess o refried beans + beef + soy cheese + lettuce in a tortilla. Eat 10 of them. Dip them in olive oil then pan fry the tortilla with the pre-cooked beef inside. Mmmmm.

galileo
09-30-2004, 09:50 AM
Any idea of how much fruit one would need to eat to saturate living glycogen and induce DNL (forgive me if I've butchered the terminology)?

I used to know this, but I don't recall fully. To fill the liver, I'm certain it's between 50-100g of fructose. I do believe it's closer to 50, but it's been a while since I've looked into it.

_-_v_-_
09-30-2004, 09:59 AM
How much fruit -- and I realize the amount of fructose varies by fruit, but generally speaking -- would that be, do you think? Ten peaches? Lol.

Isaac Wilkins
09-30-2004, 10:04 AM
I used to know this, but I don't recall fully. To fill the liver, I'm certain it's between 50-100g of fructose. I do believe it's closer to 50, but it's been a while since I've looked into it.

It's around 100g, but that's assuming you've got a nearly empty liver (first thing in the morning, while depleted, etc). The liver normally stores between 300-400 calories.

As for how much fruit... Well, a good-sized apple is like 20g.

galileo
09-30-2004, 10:06 AM
10 medium peaches, would actually be a fairly good guess. But also consider that your liver is ultimately not depleted to begin with (unless you've depleted purposefully), so I'd imagine having 3-4 pieces of "quality" fruit a day wouldn't hurt. Apples, berries, etc.

_-_v_-_
09-30-2004, 12:56 PM
Gal:
Ok v00d00, you're unbelievably restricted, but I think you can still get by. Definitely buy some almond butter if you can. Health food stores often have a modicum of nut butters, but almond is typically one of them. Perhaps an IV drip bag of glucose may work. Unless you're allergic to needles too.

I love bagels, so that'd be good if they work for you. Um...eat more fatty meats? I'm allergic to beef and pork, so maybe we can live vicariously through each other. Ever try to make your own protein bars? Oatmeal + almond butter + honey + [some protein powder that won't kill you] + raisins + cinammon + splend....err I mean sugar. Yes, lots of sugar.

Burritos? Can you eat legumes? Make a mess o refried beans + beef + soy cheese + lettuce in a tortilla. Eat 10 of them. Dip them in olive oil then pan fry the tortilla with the pre-cooked beef inside. Mmmmm.

1) The protein bar suggestion sounds damn, damn good. Much, much thanks.

2) Legumes are good. I'll pick up some good wholewheat/sprouted wheat tortillas. Most soy cheese, however, is out of the question; 99% of it contains sodium casienate, a milk derivative. But those...those sound good.

Borris and gal: Thanks for the input. Interestingly enough, I found this link:

http://www.nal.usda.gov/fnic/foodcomp/cgi-bin/list_nut_edit.pl

According to the USDA/FNIC database, 100 g of apples contains less than 6 g of fructose. Ergo, I'm an idiot for avoiding more than a small amount of fruit each day.

I'll post today's HIIT session and my new plans/ideas in a bit. I'm going to shoot for a ****load of calories. Yes. That sounds good.

BTW, I will give [dr. evil voice] ten million dollars [/dr. evil voice] to the first man who can explain massive fluctuations in water retention, to him who can perform the not-insubstantial feat of elucidating precisely why, for the past two or three days, I feel noticeably less "cut," despite the fact that I'm quite obviously not eating enough to have gained any weight. According to Powerman, this is likely a function of glycogen depletion, which is certainly a possibility. After all, I lifted intensely on Monday, did HIIT on Tue, and lifted again yesterday; on both Monday and Wednesday, I probably spent over an hour to 80 mins walking the campus (perhaps only 30-45 minutes on Tue); and I don't think I ate more than 200g-210g carbs each day. So, yeah, that could be it. Seem reasonable?

galileo
09-30-2004, 01:12 PM
Glycogen depletion would definitely explain it.

FWIW - The days I am most "fat looking" generally follow low carb days. My muscles are less full and it seems like I am retaiining subcutaneous water. I generally look like ****. After I carb up, the next morning I look great - even beyond what I'd expect. Perhaps it's a shift in focus internally.

Chubrock
09-30-2004, 01:13 PM
I'm just throwing this amount. Have you ever thought, that you might not be eating enough to sustain the muscle mass you already possess. May this "less cut" look is actually from the fact that you are slowly losing a little muscle, thus making your muscles less noticable. Honestly I haven't even got a clue if this makes since, but just something I thought I'd throw out.

_-_v_-_
09-30-2004, 01:19 PM
Gal:

That seems to dovetail quite nicely with DL's argument. Now, as I have but limited experience with refeeds -- and that was well over a year and a half ago -- I cannot really speak from personal experience; but given that: A) my activity levels have increased dramatically over the past week and B) as my caloric/carbohydrate has not commensurately increased; this explanation seems quite likely to be correct.

Chub:

Over a longer timespan, I'd say you'd probably be correct. But over such a short period, it doesn't seem terribly likely that visible atrophy as occurred -- but then, I could be entirely wrong :)

galileo
09-30-2004, 01:30 PM
Where's my money? :D

_-_v_-_
09-30-2004, 02:59 PM
Already promised to Powerman -- and even he'll have to wait until I finish med school :)

_-_v_-_
09-30-2004, 03:11 PM
Okay, time to post today's training:

Day Five:HIIT:

Training: Lifecycle HIIT:

Warmup: Level 5, 100 RPM, 5 minutes. Total Distance: 1.35 miles.

Intervals:

Methodology:
15 seconds: 105-120 RPM (When I'm unable to hit a minimum of 105 RPM in a given interval, I decrease the setting for the next interval)
30 seconds: 95 RPM.
All intervals below are given in the following format: 30s/15s.

I1: Level 6, Level 11.
I2: L6, L11
I3: L6, L11
I4: L6, L11
I5: L6, L10
I6: L6, L10
I7: L6, L10
I8: L6, L10
I9: L6, L9
I10: L6, L9
I11: L6, L9
I12: L6, L9
I13: L6, L9
I14: L6, L9
I15: L6, L9
I16: L6, L9
I17: L6, L9

Cooldown:
Lifecycle: Level 6, 95 RPM, 5 minutes.
Treadmill: 4.5 mph, 5 minutes.

Total Lifecycle Time and Distance: 23 minutes; 6.8 miles
Total Treadmill Distance: 0.4 miles.

Note: The red color signifies a decrease in a given interval relative to the last session. In other words, the fifth interval on Tuesday was L6/L11; this week, as you can see, I was forced to decrease said interval to L6/L10 in order to attain sufficient RPM.

Again, this seems only to corroborate further the explanation adduced above.

Diet: For once, I'll post this tonight. Honest. Hold me to this, folks.

Thoughts:

First of all: I've walked too damn much today (+45 minutes, maybe -- certainly -- as much as an hour, and perhaps more; I'm not quite sure). I hate where I live :).

Second: I'm about to head to the store. Things are going to change. I've eschewed change, I think, in large part due to a lack of effort in the procurement process -- that is, I really haven't forced myself to buy anything different, anything new, and thus, without consciously intending to do so, I've merely perpetuated/facilitated the very disordered habits which I'm attempting to break. When you have the same foods to choose from, after all, is it any wonder you cook the same meals?

As for caloric totals: I'm going to try to shoot for AKA level intake here. We'll see how I do. I'll post ideas, updates, diet, etc...

And please, keep the food ideas coming. Breakfasts, particularly. Snacks. Shakes. You name it, I want to eat it.

EDIT: Quick question, one to which I probably can guess the answer :) Are the following likely reflective of not eating enough:? slight dizziness (right now, particularly: as in, after my HIIT session and all the walking i've done); brain fog; difficulty focusing, concentrating, etc...

And by the way: Night. Sweats. Suck. So does early-onset waking.

Isaac Wilkins
09-30-2004, 03:13 PM
Interesting. I just assumed that all fruit sugar was fructose.

Remember, the liver can get/produce glycogen from other carb sources. It's just that fructose is first grabbed.

_-_v_-_
09-30-2004, 03:17 PM
Yeah. I know.

As for fruit: I knew the fructose content of fruits varied (strawberries/blueberries have very little, supposedly); but I didn't realize how much.

Sorry the link doesn't work. You know the database I'm referring to, though, right?

_-_v_-_
09-30-2004, 06:01 PM
Dinner should be an improvement tonight.

I'm thinking of baked tilapia (costco had a ****load of the stuff on sale for 3.99$/lb) -- lemon, spices, and herbs, of course -- served with sweet potato slices sauteed in olive oil with mushrooms and Maui onions, with steamed brocolli and some baked butternut squash topped with cinnamon/splenda.

Isaac Wilkins
09-30-2004, 06:03 PM
Dinner should be an improvement tonight.

I'm thinking of baked tilapia (costco had a ****load of the stuff on sale for 3.99$/lb) -- lemon, spices, and herbs, of course -- served with sweet potato slices sauteed in olive oil with mushrooms and Maui onions, with steamed brocolli and some baked butternut squash topped with cinnamon/splenda.


:drooling:

_-_v_-_
09-30-2004, 06:06 PM
I've never figured that smiley out. Is it drooling? Or vomiting?

And any thoughts on the dizziness/fog issue? Other food ideas, particularly for breakfasts/dinners?

Isaac Wilkins
09-30-2004, 06:09 PM
It's drooling. Or at least such is how the icon was intended.

Yeah, I'd attribute it to lack of calories/low blood sugar/etc.

Isaac Wilkins
09-30-2004, 06:10 PM
Breakfast idea = Cow.

_-_v_-_
09-30-2004, 07:49 PM
Hooves give me indigestion.

Isaac Wilkins
09-30-2004, 08:46 PM
Pfft. Be a man.

Use a sharper steak knife.

_-_v_-_
10-01-2004, 08:00 AM
Plus, I'm probably allergic to cow.

_-_v_-_
10-01-2004, 09:03 AM
Day Six:Chest/Triceps:

Training:

Diet:

Thoughts

I've quite a bit to write today, and I look forward to doing so. For now, however, I must keep things relatively brief.

(Remember, folks! You can't spell BREVITY without --v--!

You can, however, spell HYPOCRISY :) )

Yesterday evening was slightly -- and by slightly I mean marginally; and by marginally I mean barely; and by barely I mean hardly at all; and I'll just STFU now :) -- better on the diet front. Dinner went well, all things considered; my pre-bed snack, however, did not. It seems that, as the evening wanes, I find myself increasingly beset by familiar lunacies. This meal, I think, causes me the most difficulty. A sandwich? Too much sodium -- don't want to retain water overnight, leading to deceptive weight-gain (a Bad Thing TM) and a necessarily less-cut appearance (as, of course, you can't drink water while you sleep). Whole wheat french toast? Again, too much sodium. Bowl of oatmeal with protein powder and nuts? Perhaps. But what about protein pancakes made from oatmeal? Or what about a pseudo-shake? What about....

You see what I mean. Why I find myself so fixated upon the amount of sodium in this particular meal baffles me. It is a vestigial compulsion, of course, a habit accreted over four years of irrational obsession. And with all the water I drink over the course of a day, I realize that my sodium intake is entirely irrelevant -- that, in fact, I could probably stand to eat a good deal more sodium than I'm already eating. The fact remains, however, that this meal, more so than any other, remains a source of frustration -- perhaps because I'm tired; perhaps because I'm an idiot; perhaps, well, I don't know.

At any rate, ideas for pre-bed snacks/meals -- not to mention reinforcements of how stupid I'm being for worrying about something like sodium intake; how irrational I'm being; how it won't matter; etc... -- are greatly appreciated.

Breakfast this morning was also slightly better, I think -- not quantitatively (i.e., calorically) but qualitatively.

galileo
10-01-2004, 09:08 AM
Plus, I'm probably allergic to cow.


Dear _-_v_-_,

Please do not procreate.

Your friend,
galileo

_-_v_-_
10-01-2004, 09:15 AM
Dude, I don't think you have anything to worry about, man. Remember, this is -v- you're talking to -- the guy with less success with women than your average Fark photoshop cliche (Mustard Man, anyone?)

galileo
10-01-2004, 10:09 AM
Dude, I don't think you have anything to worry about, man. Remember, this is -v- you're talking to -- the guy with less success with women than your average Fark photoshop cliche (Mustard Man, anyone?)

I have to commiserate on some level though, my "cow n' pig" allergies make me somewhat of a genetic mishap. On the bright side, we can make a suicide pact based solely on deglutition.

_-_v_-_
10-01-2004, 10:21 AM
I hear you about the genetic mishap.

I'm an immunological freak, man: all dairy products, nut products save sunflowers/cashews/almonds, shellfish products, some fruit, some vegetables, some grains; and severe asthma cross-linked to airborne allergies to all pollen-producing plants, fur-bearing animals, and many other contaminants.

_-_v_-_
10-01-2004, 10:22 AM
Any thoughts on the meal/sodium/idea issue I posted on the previous page, btw?

ectx
10-01-2004, 10:22 AM
I missed my chance at 1 million? BAH!

I wouldn't worry about how the water retention makes you look...more an issue of how it makes you feel. We've chatted about the bloaty feel, and I too, think it has to do with your glycogen stores. With that said, It's not worth obsessing on your part, but then again you know that. Small steps...and you're taking them. :thumbup:

galileo
10-01-2004, 10:35 AM
Any thoughts on the meal/sodium/idea issue I posted on the previous page, btw?

I think I'm starting to become unable to distinguish one psychosis from the next. :D

Eat more sodium, it'll likely be of benefit. Worry less, eat more.

_-_v_-_
10-01-2004, 10:57 AM
Yeah.

You want to know how bad I've been about that issue, particularly before bed? 150-160mg sodium was about the maximum I'd eat in that meal; 300mg was, in the words of Monty Python, "right out." I can't imagine that would cause any noticeable difference, given: A) the amount of water I drink in a day; and B) the fact that I take 1g vit. c before bed as well, which is a mild diuretic, I'm told (I take a total of two grams vit.c daily.)

How unreasonable is that? A difference of 125mg!

Blood&Iron
10-01-2004, 11:30 AM
In the immortal words of Lyle McDonald (to me):
"You need to chill the f*ck out"

Seriously. 125mg sodium?

I regularly eat an entire bag of beef jerky in one sitting. Around 1.5g of salt there.

Hypertenszion r0x0rz!

Eat a bag!
And some fruit with a lot of fructose!
And some lacto-ovo-vegetarian-gluten-free-no-sugar cookies! (some you're not allergic too)
And a stick of margarine!

Tilapia is low fat! You're not alllowed to eat low-fat! Get some salmon!

Steamed broccoli? You're only allowed to eat broccoli if it's fried!

_-_v_-_
10-01-2004, 12:05 PM
n the immortal words of Lyle McDonald (to me):
"You need to chill the f*ck out"

Seriously. 125mg sodium?

Yes. Seriously.

I told you I was disturbed, man. There was a time when my diet was this: Breakfast: 1 cup oatmeal, 1 tbsp cashew butter, and 1 egg + 1 cup egg whites cooked with mushrooms and onions. And since I added some salt and NoSalt (a KCl salt substitute) to the egg dish -- since I thought it was a lot of sodium, what with the eggs and egg whites and added salt -- I wouldn't add salt to anything else I ate that day (typically, sweet potatoes, low-sodium chunk white tuna, vegetables -- a basically sodium-free diet). And of course I would add NoSalt to all of the above.

That was several years ago, though; recently I've been just as disordered, but in different ways. Yeah. Note that I don't worry too much about it save in that final meal...


I regularly eat an entire bag of beef jerky in one sitting. Around 1.5g of salt there.

Hypertenszion r0x0rz!


LOL. He says to the guy with permanent 90/60 BP.


And some fruit with a lot of fructose!

LOL.


And some lacto-ovo-vegetarian-gluten-free-no-sugar cookies! (some you're not allergic too)


Do such travesties exist? I think I'd rather starve :)


And a stick of margarine!


99% of margarines are out of the question, as they contain milk derivatives.



Tilapia is low fat! You're not alllowed to eat low-fat! Get some salmon!


Tilapia was on sale; salmon was not; and I can always add olive oil.


Steamed broccoli? You're only allowed to eat broccoli if it's fried!.

Hey! I sauteed the other vegetables in olive oil! That's a start!

_-_v_-_
10-01-2004, 03:03 PM
In an hour or so, I'm going to go lift.

We'll see how things go.

God, I'm so tired lately -- mentally tired, for the most part. I've been struggling with insomnia, yes; but although ambien is a godsend when it comes to falling asleep, it doesn't do a damn thing about early onset waking. If anyone has any ideas why I might be perpetually waking at 4:00-4:30, and merely dozing from then on, even though I quite clearly am not getting enough sleep, I'd love to hear them.

And yes, I realize that I was deeply ****ed up. Seriously. Aren't you glad I'm not quite that bad anymore?

That reminds me, incidentally. I figure I might as well start posting my diet, if only in the hope that the resulting ridicule willl spur me to greater caloric heights. Plus, it's hard for people to give concrete suggestions devoid of dietary context. That said, we're off!

Breakfast: 380cal: 40g carb (15 g of which is non-impact fiber); 33 p ; 12 f
1 whole wheat tortilla
2 eggs + 1/2 cup egg beaters + mushrooms/tomatoes/spinach
140 g red potatos

Meal 2: approximately 400 cal: 34 c (8g fiber); 30 p ; 11 f
2 slices Ezekiel Bread
100 g tilapia
10 oz (3 tsp) sunflower seeds
4 fish oil caps

Meal Three (pre-workout): 250 cal; 21 c (4g fiber); 28 p; 4-5 f
1 Sprouted Grain Tortilla
84g (measured uncooked) chicken breast
2 FOC
Spinach

Meal four: intra-post workout shake: 300 cal; 50 c / 25 p
50 g dextrose
25 g protein isolate

Meal Five:
200 g sweet potato, sliced, sauteed in 2 tsp. olive oil, 1 tsp expensive balsamic vinegar, with mushrooms, Maui onions, sliced yellow squash, all spiced with pepper, thyme, garlic and basil; served on a bed of fresh spinach with 84 g chicken breast roasted with fresh tomato, spices, and a lime-balsamic marinade.

In other words, it was good, and different; but it was also probably far from comprising the calories I need. It was, I'd estimate, at most 400 calories? If that?

Training:

BB Bench: 45 X 12; 95 X 6; 115 X 4; 135 X 2; 125 X 6; 125 X 3.5;; 115 X 8

Weighted Dips: +25 X 3.5; +20 X 6; +15 X 7

DB Flies: 27.5 X 6 + 4 fly-presses; 25 X 7 + 3 fly-presses

Cable Flies: 45 X 6+ 8 pushups (superset)

EZ-Curl Skullcrushers: )(EZ+30) X 4 + 5 CGBP; +20 X 7 + 4 CGBP; +20 X 6 + 4 CGBP

Overhead Cable Extensions: 75 X 6; 75 X 5

Note that this is on a new machine, in a new gym; thus, I can't track whether it increased or decreased. I think we know what it likely did, though.

V-Grip Tricep Pressdowns: 100 X 7

Same as above: new gym, new machine.

_-_v_-_
10-01-2004, 08:10 PM
Workout has been posted; diet has been updated.

And if anyone has any ideas on the sleep front, I'm all ears. Exhausted ears, yes, but ears nonetheless.

_-_v_-_
10-02-2004, 09:20 AM
Day 7: Legs/Calves:

Training:

Deadlifts: 135 X 6; 185 X 4; 195 X 2; 185 X 3; 175 X 4; 175 X 3

Leg Press: Sled+270 X 6; 270 X 5; +270 X 4 + 3 forced-reps, +270 X 3 + 3 forced-reps.

Note: As this was a new leg press machine, I have no way of knowing whether or not this constitutes a decrease. Given that my deadlifts DID decrease, however, I suspect that my performance here likely decreased as well.

Single-Leg Quad Extension: 50 X 5.5, 50 X 4

Note: Again, a new machine, so I can't speak as to my performance here.

Double Leg Quad Extension: 90 X 6, 80 X 3, 60 X 3 (dropset)

Same as above; new machine.

Lying Leg Curls: 60 X 5; 60 X 4

Seated Downward Leg Curls: 120 X 8; 120 X 8

A different machine; very strange, but a good finisher.

Seated Calf Raises: 60 X 6; 57.5 X 6; 57.5 X 5

Note that the weights listed for this exercise refer to the weights added TO the sled, which is of indeterminate weight itself -- it has no labels which I could find.

Finished with sled calf raises, standing calf raises (3 total additional calf sets.)

Total Time: 65-70 minutes.

Diet:

Meal One: 450 cal; 47 c / 30 p / 11 f
2/3 cup oatmeal
90 g peach
1 tbsp sunflower seeds
3/4 cup soy milk; 22 g soy protein powder.

Meal Two: Intra-Post Workout Drink: 300 cal; 50 c / 25 p
50 g Dextrose
25 g protein isolate

Thoughts:

Last night was...strange.

It's 9:30 PM. I just finish applying my medicine; my last meal is on the stove; I'll be heading to bed in fifteen; and so I take my Ambien. Usually, I have enough time between the taking of the ambien and the onset of its effects to complete my meal -- sure, I may occassionally get a little drunky/woozy/zombie toward the final few bites, but typically it's not unmanageable.

Last night, though...Wow. Apparently I mistimed the ambien.

I'd just started eating when it kicked in. And when Ambien kicks in, it kicks in. There's no gradation in its effects; you go from zero to zombie in 0.2 seconds. Suddenly I can barely stand; and it's all I can do to toss the remainder of my meal in the trash and stagger over to bed, clothes still half-on, lights untouched, computer still whirring, stove yet uncleaned, fan left humming, apartment remaining vibrant and awake while I slump toward sleep.

Next thing I know it's the middle of the night. I'm still dressed. My room still buzzes. I have no idea whether I finished my meal -- I eventually find I threw the rest of it away -- or whether I put everything away -- I didn't. But at least I now can get undressed, shut off the lights and the fan, use the restroom, and return to bed properly.

Moral of the story? You do NOT **** with Ambien.

BIG C
10-02-2004, 09:30 AM
Nice workout!

_-_v_-_
10-02-2004, 10:13 AM
Except that everything decreased.

Which I guess only further supports the fact that the lack of cutness and the feeling of "fatness" that I've experienced recently cannot be ascribed to fat gain, that, indeed, its indicative instead of glycogen depletion.

I need. To eat. Mas.

_-_v_-_
10-02-2004, 01:11 PM
Note: Today's workout has been posted above. Go see.

And I have quite a bit to say today. Don't go anywhere.

_-_v_-_
10-02-2004, 05:44 PM
ectx: You'll be needing to pay attention. I'll be writing something that I think you should read.

Chris Mason: If you're there, I likewise will be writing something I think you may find relevant.

I should have the post done soon.

_-_v_-_
10-02-2004, 08:00 PM
ectx:

I'm not entirely sure if this is the proper place to write this, e; but I'm going to put it here anyway. I think that this is probably better done in public than in private -- after all, most confessions are.

I want to apologize. I've taken a promise and I've broken it like a little bird. I'm sorry, man.

I know what I said I'd do; I know how I said I'd be; and I know that I've proven myself a liar.

I wish I could externalize this responsiblity somehow, of course. I wish I could say that I didn't anticipate the effects of this summer's stress; but of course that, too, would be a lie. And I want to be finished lying, for once -- not only to others, but also to myself.

It was just so very easy to wake each day and do the same thing, over and over; to make the same breakfast and promise that, when the next meal came around, I'd make the changes then. It was just so easy to keep falling, keep sleeping, keep drowning. I'm sorry, man.

It won't happen again. I promise (whatever that's worth.)

Chris:

Likewise I'm going to post this here -- the more people who see, the more support I hope to have in my efforts to change. You were willing to help me out; you spent time and effort writing PMs you didn't have to write, offering advice you didn't have to offer, giving gifts you didn't have to give. And how did I respond? I listened; I read; I took your time and I squandered it recklessly, tossing it away into the gutter like a half-finished newspaper. All your efforts, in retrospect, were wasted; and it's all my fault. I can't believe how foolish I was, how foolish I've been. I'm sorry, Chris.

Words of support are always encouraged here. If you have any thoughts or advice, I'd love to hear them. Know that, this time, they will not fall on deaf ears. Though perhaps this is a bit of an overstatement -- I was trying so hard, trying desperately, to hear, but in the end I remained as deaf as I'd been.

But I think I can hear music now, can hear voices, can hear the world which years ago I left behind. I think I'm waking up.

chris mason
10-03-2004, 06:25 AM
In the end it is all about you and your decision.

I really don't have any new advice. I think one thing I can say to you is that the problems you are currently experiencing will decrease with age. Not to diminish your problems in any way, but I feel they are problems of privilege. If you lived in the Sudan and had nothing you would not have the food disorder you suffer from (I may have already made this point, but I feel it is poignant). It is the fact that you have the time and money to realize your current problems that fuels them.

These are just my opinions, I am not a doctor of any kind.

I think that as you move on in your life you will find that these disorders slowly diminish. I say this so you have hope. I truly believe you will see the truth in my words over time.

In the meantime, just keep working at your problems. I cannot remember if you have sought the help of a professional, but if you have not, you should. I think they could only be of benefit.

BIG C
10-03-2004, 09:22 AM
Sorry for the problems you are having!!

keep up the lifting Bro!

_-_v_-_
10-03-2004, 09:55 AM
Day 8: Rest/Recovery:

Training:

Diet:

Thoughts:

Chris:



In the end it is all about you and your decision.

I really don't have any new advice. I think one thing I can say to you is that the problems you are currently experiencing will decrease with age. Not to diminish your problems in any way, but I feel they are problems of privilege. If you lived in the Sudan and had nothing you would not have the food disorder you suffer from (I may have already made this point, but I feel it is poignant). It is the fact that you have the time and money to realize your current problems that fuels them.


That, I agree, is particularly galling. In a sense, this is perhaps the most ridiculuous of disorders -- what is more basic, more fundamental, to the existence of any creatures, man or beast, than the simple act of eating, of self-sustenance. Even bacteria, after all, must eat to survive -- it takes a human being to starve themselves.



These are just my opinions, I am not a doctor of any kind.

I think that as you move on in your life you will find that these disorders slowly diminish. I say this so you have hope. I truly believe you will see the truth in my words over time.


Thank you. I must say that I'm doing better than I've been doing, that I'm making some progress, certainly. And all the help is certainly appreciated.



In the meantime, just keep working at your problems. I cannot remember if you have sought the help of a professional, but if you have not, you should. I think they could only be of benefit.


I have not, simply because I feel that I'm doing well enough, now, that I think I can make the rest of the progress on my own. I want to be able to look back with pride and know that, just as I was the one responsible for putting myself into this situation, I was also the one responsible for pulling myself out of it. Because I think that I can do it -- and, ultimately, I know that I have to do it.

Thanks again, Chris. I just wanted to say that.

Again, all responses/suggestions are appreciated and encouraged. Thanks.

Teh BDK
10-03-2004, 10:06 AM
I hear you about the genetic mishap.

I'm an immunological freak, man: all dairy products, nut products save sunflowers/cashews/almonds, shellfish products, some fruit, some vegetables, some grains; and severe asthma cross-linked to airborne allergies to all pollen-producing plants, fur-bearing animals, and many other contaminants.

So are you also allergic to uncommonly hairy individuals, too?

I'm torn. I'm allergic to nothing, save my intolerance to lactose, but that can be circumvented by myriad mechanisms. Of course, since I'm allergic to nothing, I can eat anything and everything. I'd like to sample enforced self control by penalty of illness or death.

Anyways.

Beh.

_-_v_-_
10-03-2004, 11:13 AM
It's not too pleasant, trust me.

Hell, reading the ingredients on every single thing you eat is a pain in and of itself...

_-_v_-_
10-04-2004, 09:23 PM
Day I Don't Know: Upper Body

Training: Combination Upper Body:

CHEST:
BB Bench: 45 X 10; 95 x 6; 115 X 4; 135 1; 125 X 3; 125 X 3; 115 X 5
Weighted Dips: +25 X 4; +25 X 3
DB Flies: 25 X 6 + 4 fly-presses; 25 X 5 + 3 fly-presses

BACK:
Weighted Chins: BW X 6; +25 X 3; +25 X 3; BW X 3 (wide-grip)
T-Bar Rows +55 X 3; +50 X 4;
DB Rows: 40 X 6
DB Pullovers: 37.5 X 7; 37.5 X 5

SHOULDERS/TRAPS
BB Behind the Neck Press: 85 X 2 + 3 post-failure; 75 X 4 + 3 post-failure.
Hang Clean and Press: 75 X 2; 65 X 3; 65 X 3
Cable Upright Raises: 110 X 6; 100 X 6

TOTAL TIME: 70 minutes.

I got blood work back.

Low WBC.
Low RBC
Low hematocrit
Nearly low hemaglobin.
Elevated MCV.
Elevated MCH.
Low Platelet.
Low Lymphocytes.
Low Eosinophils.

And by "low" or "high" I mean, in each case, outside the normal range.

That's no good. Neither was the workout; too many decreases.

Lol.

_-_v_-_
10-05-2004, 07:53 AM
Anyone know anything about the blood work, btw?

galileo
10-05-2004, 09:12 AM
I used to know this, but I don't recall fully. To fill the liver, I'm certain it's between 50-100g of fructose. I do believe it's closer to 50, but it's been a while since I've looked into it.


It's around 100g, but that's assuming you've got a nearly empty liver (first thing in the morning, while depleted, etc). The liver normally stores between 300-400 calories.

As for how much fruit... Well, a good-sized apple is like 20g.

Here is Lyle's official answer:



It wouldn't vary that hugely with bodymass.
Average liver glycogen stores are about 50 grams, this can incrase to 100 with carb-loading

So, based on that _v_, your liver stores about 13-15g :D

_-_v_-_
10-05-2004, 09:36 AM
Perhaps the lack of sleep is getting to me, but I'm confused :)

So you're implying that...hmm...I'm really ****ing skinny and carb-depleted as hell?

galileo
10-05-2004, 09:48 AM
Perhaps the lack of sleep is getting to me, but I'm confused :)

So you're implying that...hmm...I'm really ****ing skinny and carb-depleted as hell?

I'm implying that if body mass has any impact on how much liver glycogen one needs, you don't need much to fill'r up! :D

aka23
10-05-2004, 09:56 AM
Anyone know anything about the blood work, btw?The RBC, hemocrit, hemaglobin, and MCH may indicate anemia. The WBC and neutrophils may indicate a disease, allergy, or immune problem. This type of combination might be found in a person suffering from malnutrition, a person with AIDS, or a wasting disease.

I would expect the doctor who gave the test to be much more knowledgeable about this than I am. Did he not go over the results?

aka23
10-05-2004, 10:12 AM
I've been struggling with insomnia, yes; but although ambien is a godsend when it comes to falling asleep, it doesn't do a damn thing about early onset waking. If anyone has any ideas why I might be perpetually waking at 4:00-4:30, and merely dozing from then on, even though I quite clearly am not getting enough sleep, I'd love to hear them.

Ambien has a mean elimination half-life of under 3 hours. It will help you fall asleep, but the effects will wear off before morning, so you do not feel groggy. The related non-benzodiazepine hypnotic Sonata only has a half-life of ~1 hour, so it can be taken in the middle of the night. There are other benzodiazepine and antihistamine sleeping aids with longer half-lives. Valerian (medicinal herb) is another option that I find effective for staying asleep. Note that you should not be taking Ambien on a daily basis for long periods.

_-_v_-_
10-05-2004, 12:15 PM
I'm implying that if body mass has any impact on how much liver glycogen one needs, you don't need much to fill'r up!

lol. But it doesn't seem to vary, thankfully :)


The RBC, hemocrit, hemaglobin, and MCH may indicate anemia. The WBC and neutrophils may indicate a disease, allergy, or immune problem. This type of combination might be found in a person suffering from malnutrition, a person with AIDS, or a wasting disease.

My doctor hasn't met with me yet -- the labs were only yesterday. Monday I meet with him.


.
Ambien has a mean elimination half-life of under 3 hours. It will help you fall asleep, but the effects will wear off before morning, so you do not feel groggy. The related non-benzodiazepine hypnotic Sonata only has a half-life of ~1 hour, so it can be taken in the middle of the night. There are other benzodiazepine and antihistamine sleeping aids with longer half-lives. Valerian (medicinal herb) is another option that I find effective for staying asleep. Note that you should not be taking Ambien on a daily basis for long periods.

I realize that. I met with a physician yesterday, and I have a referral to an insomnia clinic here at Stanford, which happens to be run by a Ph.D who specializes in the study of insomnia.

The doctor wanted to try Restoril; I tried it last night. It was nowhere near as effective in helping me fall asleep, nor did it help the early-onset waking.

My plan is to attempt to catch up on my sleep this week, if I can, via an intense, directed focus upon sufficient time in bed. If I can fill my sleep debt, so to speak, and catch up a bit, at that point I'm going to start working on getting to sleep sans anything at all. But if I try that now, when I'm already exhausted, I'm going to be simply ****ed.

BTW: I received some more lab results.

SGPT of 90.
SGOT of 58
Elevated creatinine as well.

Oh, and btw:

Training: Lifecycle HIIT:

Warmup: Level 5, 100 RPM, 5 minutes. Total Distance: 1.35 miles.

Intervals:

Methodology:
15 seconds: 105-120 RPM (When I'm unable to hit a minimum of 105 RPM in a given interval, I decrease the setting for the next interval)
30 seconds: 95 RPM.
All intervals below are given in the following format: 30s/15s.

I1: Level 6, Level 11.
I2: L6, L11
I3: L6, L10
I4: L6, L10
I5: L6, L10

Note: The red color signifies a decrease in a given interval relative to the last session.

Second note: As you can see, this session contained not only decreases in interval performance relative to last week but also decreases in total time, distance, and performance. In other words, by the fifth interval, I simply couldn't do another interval with any degree of intensity whatsoever. I was dead. Even the warmup felt more difficult than normal.

galileo
10-05-2004, 12:18 PM
lol. But it doesn't seem to vary, thankfully :)

Are you disagreeing with Lyle? BLASPHEME!

_-_v_-_
10-05-2004, 12:23 PM
No!

He said it DOESN'T seem to vary that much, didn't he?

galileo
10-05-2004, 12:27 PM
No!

He said it DOESN'T seem to vary that much, didn't he?

All things considered, that's a small variance. *rimshot-cymbal crash*

_-_v_-_
10-05-2004, 02:35 PM
lol.

I'm wondering a bit about those liver enzymes -- I don't know what's considered "elevated," whether the elevations I've observed are significant, whether they're related to ambien, whether they're indicative of overtraining/undernutrition, etc...

Oh, well; I see the doc in six days.

aka23
10-05-2004, 03:00 PM
I'm wondering a bit about those liver enzymes -- I don't know what's considered "elevated," whether the elevations I've observed are significant, whether they're related to ambien, whether they're indicative of overtraining/undernutrition, etc....

What is considered elevated depends on a number of factors about the subject, but a general guideline is >~50 U/L and >~40 U/L respectively. Many medications can elevate liver enzymes including NSAIDs, antibiotics, and antidepressants. I would not expect Ambien to affect liver enzymes, although it is listed as an "infrequent" and "rare" side effect respectively. Many other medical problems can cause this type of elevation (examples: mono, fatty liver, diabetes, hepatitis, and intense exercise, especially when exercise is done soon before test). However, your doctor probably ordered this test to rule out possible problems. I do not know what he was testing for.

_-_v_-_
10-05-2004, 03:32 PM
Hey, aka -- btw, you know anything about exercise-induced anemia?

aka23
10-05-2004, 03:54 PM
Hey, aka -- btw, you know anything about exercise-induced anemia?

I do not know much about the topic. It is most likely to occur in endurance athletes who do high-impact sports, such as long-distance runners. You are probably also aware that anemia is often related to nutritional deficiencies or chronic illness.

_-_v_-_
10-05-2004, 05:55 PM
No on the latter, thankfully.

I honestly think the answer to all my problems is simple. Eat. Mas.

Let's recapitulate them, shall we? Or rather, allow me to enumerate/expostulate according [monty python reference] to my own particular idiom![/monty python reference]

General:
1) Consistent decreases in strength, even over past two weeks.
2) Gastrointenstinal upset
3) Lack of appetite.
4) Muscle twitches.
5) Much difficulty sleeping.
6) Always cold.
7) Depressed, lethargic; difficulty concentrating, caring.

Specific:
1) Today's performance in the HIIT session -- specifically, the fact that I couldn't even complete the session.




Intervals:

Methodology:
15 seconds: 105-120 RPM (When I'm unable to hit a minimum of 105 RPM in a given interval, I decrease the setting for the next interval)
30 seconds: 95 RPM.
All intervals below are given in the following format: 30s/15s.

I1: Level 6, Level 11.
I2: L6, L11
I3: L6, L10
I4: L6, L10
I5: L6, L10

Note: The red color signifies a decrease in a given interval relative to the last session.

Second note: As you can see, this session contained not only decreases in interval performance relative to last week but also decreases in total time, distance, and performance. In other words, by the fifth interval, I simply couldn't do another interval with any degree of intensity whatsoever. I was dead. Even the warmup felt more difficult than normal


2) Low WBC, platelet, lymphocyte/eosinophil counts: immunosuppression.
3) Some degree of anemia, even in context of B-vits and iron in my multivit.
4) Elevated creatinine levels.
5) Elevated liver enzymes.

Knowledge:

I've spent some time doing the research. Overtraining/undernutrition in athletes has been linked with all the above -- while some factors may be correlated more strongly than other, the overall symptomology, considered en toto, strongly suggests said diagnosis, at least to me. Anorexics, for example, typically show elevated liver enzymes and creatinine levels; pseudo-macrocytic anemia (similar to that I evince) has been observed following excessive training regimens in athletes; etc...

At this point, I think I know what I need to do.

Luckily, I have a 90 minutre 1-unit lecture tonight, which will, I believe, be located in a building with wireless internet access. And since the only thing that matters at said lecture is my attendence, I will have the opportunity to plan my course of action and write at length about it. I'll be posting here. Don't worry. There's much more to come.

Yes, I know; I've been an idiot. Bear with me. This is not easy; nor will it be.

ectx
10-05-2004, 06:03 PM
V, No need to apologize mang. What you're going through is difficult. Just because we're at diametrically opposed ends of the eating spectrum doesn't mean that I don't understand. Honestly, I think you've made progress...perhaps not the progress you'd like to make, but progress nonetheless. Sometimes that's all that matters. Small steps, then bigger ones.

_-_v_-_
10-05-2004, 09:48 PM
Thanks, man.

Given the above symptomology, I'm strongly considering stepping back the HIIT, particularly given the context in which I've been doing it -- walking 60-120 minutes a day, with a backpack; eating insufficiently; and weight training intensely.

THe fact that I could hardly even get four intervals in today seems suggestive, no?

As for everything else: A break might be in order. I've been hitting it hard on this regimen, while eating poorly, for six months without letup. I'm wondering if my sleep difficulties, along with everything else -- blood work, lack of appetite, depression/lethargy, etc--- might simply be my body telling me that I need to slow down and rest.

We'll see what I can do. In the meantime, I think one thing is eminently clear:

I. Am. Not. Eating. Nearly. Enough.

Please. Someone convince me I'm wrong. Can ANYONE find any other explanation for what my lifts have done, for the symptoms I listed in the above post? Can ANYONE dispute this? Because if you can, I want you to. Please. Do so.

I realize there's no best way of fixing this. If I simply start eating a ****load, without caring/calculating, I realize that there are two possible scenarios:

1) Disproportionate fat gain owing to slowed metabolism.
2) Disproportionate muscle recovery/growth/gain owing to metabolic history / current systemological milieu (ala Belial and Powerman when they started eating again -- really eating after starving themselves)

I realize that both are equally likely, honestly -- and that, given my hormonal milieu (I love that word,) the latter may be more likely.

The alternative course of action, of course, is simply to try to eat a bit more, and gradually increase intake over weeks. This, of course, reduces the likelihood of both the above scenarios -- I'll gain less fat, surely, but I'll also recover far more slowly, and the possibility exists that I won't even increase calories to my true maintenance level for a week or two (I may need LOTS of gradual increases to get to maintenance). Thus I could actually be remaining hypocaloric / overtrained for longer in this option.

Thus, barring any other options here, I'm going to do two things tomorrow:

1) Record what I eat and post it here so I can be held to account.

2) Attempt to drastically increase my caloric intake.

To the latter end, I'm going to do something I should have done a while ago: Plan ahead. I'm not going to attempt to figure out what to make for breakfast when I wake up; I'm going to write it down tonight, to spend the time and effort to determine it and post it here. Because if I do the former, habit takes over, and we know what happens then.

Must go now. Will post more soon. In the meantime, please give your opinions/thoughts. Prove me wrong. Give me advice. Dispute my hypotheses. Argue. Etc... Please.

galileo
10-06-2004, 05:26 AM
Given the above symptomology, I'm strongly considering stepping back the HIIT, particularly given the context in which I've been doing it -- walking 60-120 minutes a day, with a backpack; eating insufficiently; and weight training intensely.

THe fact that I could hardly even get four intervals in today seems suggestive, no?

Yeah, I think someone else suggested something similar a few pages back, but you shrugged it off. Who was that? Hmm...

galileo
10-06-2004, 05:34 AM
Premise : I know you need to eat more.
Premise : You know you need to eat more.
Conclusion: You need to eat more.

Why all of this ****ing rationalization and hypothesizing? Here's a list of things you aren't:
1. Obese
2. Professional Bodybuilder
3. Diabetic (that I know of)

Unless you fall into those categories, you should not be so ****ing worried about so many ****ing things! EAT EAT EAT EAT EAT EAT EAT. Set a goal and ****ing eat your way there. Eat your way to 120, 125, 130, 135, ad naseum. Each step of the way look back at the last 5 pounds and figure out what you did right and add a figurative 1 to it. Your hormones, blood contents, metabolism, food allergies, and other internal disfigurements are not stopping you. YOU ARE STOPPING YOU.

Eat, shut the **** up about all these plans and goals and routines and whatnot. Eat, lift, repeat. You do plenty of cardio as it is, you don't need more. Once you get to a healthy weight, perhaps you'll be able to sleep again. Strive for that. Eating = Sleeping. You have two goals in one. SODIW_IE@#()IE_(WSDOSJDSJDSJSIODJOISJDS.!@#:@!#!@!@#@!#!@#@! That's how I feel.

_-_v_-_
10-06-2004, 09:07 AM
Gal:




Yeah, I think someone else suggested something similar a few pages back, but you shrugged it off. Who was that? Hmm...



Never let it be said that I'm not a stubborn, feckless, foolish *******. I'm sorry, man. Addictions die hard, as I'm sure you know -- and addictions coupled with stressful distraction are damn near invulnerable.




Premise : I know you need to eat more.
Premise : You know you need to eat more.
Conclusion: You need to eat more.



Yes. Yes. And yes. I need to hear this more often; I need to remind myself of it; I need to never, ever forget it.



Why all of this ****ing rationalization and hypothesizing?

Why? Because I'm an idiot -- because it's how I think, it's how I write, it's how I am.

I overanalyze things; I overcomplicate things; I overstress, overthink, overwork and overworry. I've noticed and fretted about daily -- nay, even hourly -- apparent fluctuations in weight and appearance. I've rationed five-calorie beverages. I've used Excel to track my diet with scientific precision.

So considering where I've come from, and what I've gone through, I'm not doing too bad, qualitatively speaking...



Here's a list of things you aren't:
1. Obese
2. Professional Bodybuilder
3. Diabetic (that I know of)


1. LOL
2. Not unless there's an IFEA(RM) division -- International Federation of Emaciated *******s (Ripped Mofos).
3. Nope.




Unless you fall into those categories, you should not be so ****ing worried about so many ****ing things! EAT EAT EAT EAT EAT EAT EAT. Set a goal and ****ing eat your way there. Eat your way to 120, 125, 130, 135, ad naseum. Each step of the way look back at the last 5 pounds and figure out what you did right and add a figurative 1 to it. Your hormones, blood contents, metabolism, food allergies, and other internal disfigurements are not stopping you. YOU ARE STOPPING YOU.


Dude, I've always been my own worst enemy. I know nothing else is stopping me -- I know that I'm responsible here, that it's my fault, etc... I just adduced the above facts to remind myself of the reality of my situation, to force myself to face it. That's all. They were meant as symptoms, not causes -- as evidence, not excuses.




Eat, shut the **** up about all these plans and goals and routines and whatnot. Eat, lift, repeat. You do plenty of cardio as it is, you don't need more. Once you get to a healthy weight, perhaps you'll be able to sleep again. Strive for that. Eating = Sleeping. You have two goals in one. SODIW_IE@#()IE_(WSDOSJDSJDSJSIODJOISJDS.!@#:@!#!@!@#@!#!@#@! That's how I feel.



That's how I feel as well. Honestly.

I would have posted more last night, but a situation arose involving class/people, and I was busy. However, I'll write quite a bit about this today. You'll see. It's all good.

You want evidence of actual progress?

I threw away all the calorie-free, dairy-free butter substitutes I had. They're gone. That alone reduces the amount of compulsive adulteration that I can do. I'm eating more normal foods, varying my diet in terms of quality, at least, if not quantity. I'm cooking, for once. So yes, there is progress. Just nowhere near enough.

Thanks for the rant, G. I needed that.

Chubrock
10-06-2004, 09:08 AM
Haha for once, I'm in complete agreement with Galileo. Quit worrying about so much detail, and just do ya thing. "Eat big, Lift big, and SLEEP!" That's all that matters. All of this exact detail don't really mean **** in the end. Having a great body and all that don't mean ****, if you aren't happy, and from the sounds of things you are too stressed out to be happy. I've got confidence in ya. You'll do fine, trust me. I'll just leave ya with something that you'd hear around here: Quit actin' like a bitch, and cowboy the **** up.

_-_v_-_
10-06-2004, 11:01 AM
Haha for once, I'm in complete agreement with Galileo. Quit worrying about so much detail, and just do ya thing. "Eat big, Lift big, and SLEEP!" That's all that matters. All of this exact detail don't really mean **** in the end. Having a great body and all that don't mean ****, if you aren't happy, and from the sounds of things you are too stressed out to be happy. I've got confidence in ya. You'll do fine, trust me. I'll just leave ya with something that you'd hear around here: Quit actin' like a bitch, and cowboy the **** up.

That's a fairly precise summation, honestly. I am too stressed to be happy -- I have far too much on my plate, so to speak, to worry about what's on my plate.

*rimshot*

Thanks, folks. I'll be here all week.

EDIT: Days since I emailed Lyle: 4. lol.

galileo
10-06-2004, 11:07 AM
Haha for once, I'm in complete agreement with Galileo. Quit worrying about so much detail, and just do ya thing. "Eat big, Lift big, and SLEEP!" That's all that matters. All of this exact detail don't really mean **** in the end. Having a great body and all that don't mean ****, if you aren't happy, and from the sounds of things you are too stressed out to be happy. I've got confidence in ya. You'll do fine, trust me. I'll just leave ya with something that you'd hear around here: Quit actin' like a bitch, and cowboy the **** up.

I don't recall us disagreeing before and since I'm always right, this strikes me as odd. :cool:

galileo
10-06-2004, 11:09 AM
Thanks for the rant, G. I needed that.

No problem, just follow what I said. I am glad that you threw out a lot of your crutches, that's the first step. Next is to flood your home with the highest calorie options available. Perhaps you should make a shopping list of things that you know you should eat, then have someone else buy them for you so you don't reason your way out of the purchase. Then soil your entire living space with the things you need, forcing it to become part of you.

_-_v_-_
10-06-2004, 11:22 AM
No problem, just follow what I said. I am glad that you threw out a lot of your crutches, that's the first step. Next is to flood your home with the highest calorie options available. Perhaps you should make a shopping list of things that you know you should eat, then have someone else buy them for you so you don't reason your way out of the purchase. Then soil your entire living space with the things you need, forcing it to become part of you.

Few problems with that, unfortunately:

1) I have nobody I can ask to do that :)
2) I have enough food -- I'm through with compulsive, unnecessary shopping (which I admit I have done in the past.) I just need to force myself to eat the higher-calorie foods I do have; or, alternatively, to eat more of the lower caloires foods I have.

And re: Lyle -- something tells me that: A) the days elapsed since my email; and B) the probability that said email unintentionally annoyed him; possess what is very nearly a one-to-one correlation.

_-_v_-_
10-06-2004, 12:17 PM
Day One: Rededication:

Training: Back/Biceps/Abs: Will update after training.

Chins: (warmup) BW X 6; +25 X 6; +25 X 3; +20 X 3; +15 X 4

This was quite strange. The first set seemed to be an increase, which didn't make any sense to me, at first -- not after my lifts decreased on Sunday AND on monday, not after I couldn't even do four HIIT intervals yesterday, not after yesterday's excessive activity and 1800-1900 calorie ****ed-up diet otherwise, and especially not after not changing my diet today and walking far MORE than normal.

Then I realized something. Due to a confluence of factors -- I've lost weight over the past week; and, well, it was exceedingly hot today, and so, due to my walking, I sweated quite a bit; and, most of all, I spent, um, quite a bit of time on the toilet, if you know what I mean -- I weighed, at the time of workout, significantly less than I did last week. Furthermore, the fact that my performance in subsequent sets decreased seems to be consistent with everything else I've been noticing.

DB Row: 40 X 5; 37.5 X 6.5; 37.5 X 6

V-grip cable horizontal row: 100 X 6; 90 X 7

I've never done this before, so I can't characterize my performance.

Close-grip cable pulldown: 130 X 8

Again, a new exercise -- I couldn't find the v-grip.

EZ-Bar Curl: (Bar+40) X 3; +30 X 4; +25 X 5

DB Hammer Curl: 27.5 X 5; 25 X 7

Did some BB shrugs, cable crunches, and some other ab work.

Diet:

Meal One: 450 cal; 50 c; 13 f; 33 p
2/3 Cup Oatmeal
1 cup soy milk
15 g soy protein
3 tsp (10 oz) dry-roasted sunflower seeds
12 g raisins, artificial sweetener

I'm never making this again. It's disordered -- it's what I fell back on, when I woke up this morning, sans a plan, tired, stressed, and distracted. It doesn't taste that good; I don't really like it that much; it's not right.

How did I make it? Oh, you take 8 oz soy milk (unsweetened, carbless variety), add Atkins sugar-free vanilla syrup, some Equal, some Sweet and Low, lots of Saigon Cinnamon and some sugar-free maple syrup; add the weighed amount of sugar-free soy protein powder; add a bit of water; stir well, so that the mixture attains an overall milk-like consistency; then pour on slightly less than 2/3 cup oatmeal (so that, rather than 200 calories, said amount is more appropriately 180 calories, leaving room for artificial sweeteners) and more Saigon cinnamon and place in the refrigerator while you shower.

Remove from refrigerator; add weighed sunflower seeds and raisins; add more cinnamon, sweetener; stir well; drizzle on half of the bowl more sugar-free maple syrup; sprinkle a little more equal on top; and eat.

It's. Deeply. Disordered. And I don't even like it, really.

But it's what I fell back on, having not slept well, or planned well, etc... As I mentioned, last night got very, very busy very, very suddenly -- what's that they say
about the best laid plans....

That will not be the case tomorrow. In the meantime, I'm open to breakfast ideas. Things to do with eggs and oatmeal. Steel cut oats. Whole foods, real foods, etc...

_-_v_-_
10-06-2004, 02:53 PM
Random Note to Self:

Things would be a lot easier if I didn't, for some stupid reason, consider 2000-2100 calories to be ungodly excessive.

_-_v_-_
10-06-2004, 07:11 PM
Note: Today's workout has been posted.

Yes, I'm an idiot. Good news on one front, though, I think. Will write tonight. Stay tuned.

_-_v_-_
10-06-2004, 09:47 PM
I spent some good time thinking and talking to DL.

I've a plan.

I'm tired -- no, I'm f*cking exhausted.

I'm getting quite of sleep a bit tonight, don't worry. So that -- hopefully -- will be taken care of.

In the meantime, on DL's advice, I'm going to aim for quite a bit more calories. We'll see what I can do.

Here's the plan:

Goals:

1) At least 2500 calories. Aim for 3500.

2) Avoid a scale for one week.

3) Eat normally whenever possible.

Now, I just need to figure out what to make for breakfast. What did I have for breakfast today? Why do I need to figure this out in advance? Here's why (today's training/diet post):



Day One: Rededication:

Training: Back/Biceps/Abs: Will update after training.

Chins: (warmup) BW X 6; +25 X 6; +25 X 3; +20 X 3; +15 X 4

This was quite strange. The first set seemed to be an increase, which didn't make any sense to me, at first -- not after my lifts decreased on Sunday AND on monday, not after I couldn't even do four HIIT intervals yesterday, not after yesterday's excessive activity and 1800-1900 calorie ****ed-up diet otherwise, and especially not after not changing my diet today and walking far MORE than normal.

Then I realized something. Due to a confluence of factors -- I've lost weight over the past week; and, well, it was exceedingly hot today, and so, due to my walking, I sweated quite a bit; and, most of all, I spent, um, quite a bit of time on the toilet, if you know what I mean -- I weighed, at the time of workout, significantly less than I did last week. Furthermore, the fact that my performance in subsequent sets decreased seems to be consistent with everything else I've been noticing.

DB Row: 40 X 5; 37.5 X 6.5; 37.5 X 6

V-grip cable horizontal row: 100 X 6; 90 X 7

I've never done this before, so I can't characterize my performance.

Close-grip cable pulldown: 130 X 8

Again, a new exercise -- I couldn't find the v-grip.

EZ-Bar Curl: (Bar+40) X 3; +30 X 4; +25 X 5

DB Hammer Curl: 27.5 X 5; 25 X 7

Did some BB shrugs, cable crunches, and some other ab work.

Diet:

Meal One: 450 cal; 50 c; 13 f; 33 p
2/3 Cup Oatmeal
1 cup soy milk
15 g soy protein
3 tsp (10 oz) dry-roasted sunflower seeds
12 g raisins, artificial sweetener

I'm never making this again. It's disordered -- it's what I fell back on, when I woke up this morning, sans a plan, tired, stressed, and distracted. It doesn't taste that good; I don't really like it that much; it's not right.

How did I make it? Oh, you take 8 oz soy milk (unsweetened, carbless variety), add Atkins sugar-free vanilla syrup, some Equal, some Sweet and Low, lots of Saigon Cinnamon and some sugar-free maple syrup; add the weighed amount of sugar-free soy protein powder; add a bit of water; stir well, so that the mixture attains an overall milk-like consistency; then pour on slightly less than 2/3 cup oatmeal (so that, rather than 200 calories, said amount is more appropriately 180 calories, leaving room for artificial sweeteners) and more Saigon cinnamon and place in the refrigerator while you shower.

Remove from refrigerator; add weighed sunflower seeds and raisins; add more cinnamon, sweetener; stir well; drizzle on half of the bowl more sugar-free maple syrup; sprinkle a little more equal on top; and eat.

It's. Deeply. Disordered. And I don't even like it, really.

But it's what I fell back on, having not slept well, or planned well, etc... As I mentioned, last night got very, very busy very, very suddenly -- what's that they say
about the best laid plans....

That will not be the case tomorrow. In the meantime, I'm open to breakfast ideas. Things to do with eggs and oatmeal. Steel cut oats. Whole foods, real foods, etc...



That's disturbed. That's disordered. I don't even LIKE that meal, for God's sake.

And, yes, my lifts decreased. F#$%@#$%234

So what to make? Give me ideas, people. I'll be brainstorming -- I'll post my planned breakfast in a bit. But I want to give some time for ideas/advice first.

BIG C
10-06-2004, 11:26 PM
Get some much needed rest Bro!

Maybe you should take a week off and let the body rest a little.

_-_v_-_
10-07-2004, 08:20 AM
Rest? Me?

Hah! Never!!!

pruneman
10-07-2004, 11:20 AM
Rest? Me?

Hah! Never!!!

I'm not trying to be an ass, but that was about the best advice you've been offered.

_-_v_-_
10-07-2004, 11:35 AM
LMAO.

I know. I'm just being self-deprecating, as is my wont :)

_-_v_-_
10-07-2004, 07:46 PM
Let's pretend, shall we?

Let's pretend I didn't do today what, in fact, I did. Let's pretend I didn't test myself -- or, as seems more appropriate, punish myself. Let's pretend I didn't dig myself deeper into the darkening hole I'm halfheartedly attempting to climb out of. Let's pretend; after all, it's more pleasant that way.

So I'm not going to write about the intervals, about the miserable performance, about the punishment, the distance, the effort, the sadness, the thoughtless ennui, etc... I was stupid today. I know that. I recognize that. We don't need to talk about it. I'm too tired to do that. I want a distraction, so I'm going to write about something else.

So I'm not going to write about myself. I'm going to write about something I actually care about. I'm going to write about Tom Waits, about Real Gone.

That sound you hear -- gospel, sung by a demon choir. It is music as writ by Moebius, alive the infernal beauty of a sinking scrapheap structure. It knows no rhyme, no reason save its own random rhythm. It is a song to soothe Cerebrus, the lullaby, perhaps, of Loki. And it is a trundling, towering triumph.

The highest compliment I can pay it is that -- like each of his CDs -- it reminds me that I can feel.

_-_v_-_
10-08-2004, 07:43 PM
God hates me.

That's the only possible conclusion :)

I woke up today having not slept well -- again. I stumbled through my early morning routine, fecklessly and futilely flailed at a genetics problem set, made my compulsively-prepared midday meal, and staggered off for the thirty-minute trek to my morning discussion section, where I drunkenly attempted to think, focus, react, respond, and feel.

I turned in the problem set. I ate my meal. I walked some more. I walked the fifteen minutes to the post-office, then I walked the thirty minutes home.

I clean my apartment, then walk down to the car and go to the store.

I spend twenty minutes walking the aisles, trying to remember what I needed.

It's now 12:45. I walk back to my car, laden with groceries -- it's the first shopping I've done in over a week; and it isn't much. I would say that I'm disciplining myself, that I'm keeping a strict budget -- but it's more that I haven't even cared.

I get to my car, load up the groceries, and start the engine.

And then I smell fuel. Unburnt fuel.

The engine isn't purring; it's lurching. It's chugging like a steam-engine cranked full of meth-laced coal -- chuggachuggachuggachugga. I can see the gearshift shaking like a dowsing wand in the hands of a Parkinson's patient. And I can smell something, something tangy, something familiar, something...something like fuel.

Me: ****.

I call the dealership, then the tow truck. I don't get home until 3:00.

I was going to lift today -- but sans transportation, of course, I can't go to my regular gym. So I decide instead to walk down to Stanford's gym, which I think opens at 4:00. It's only a twenty-minute walk. Only.

I grab a small, obsessive snack, clean my apartment a bit, then, after waiting just the right amount of time -- so say all the bodybuilding websites, all the magazines, all the myths that are my method, all the lies that are my life -- I, intra-workout shake in hand, walk to the gym.

It's. F*cking. Closed.

Until 5:30.

And it's only 4:45. And I haven't eaten in almost two hours. And I've already walked too damn much today. And, due to the car fiasco, my diet has been rather....insufficient. And I'm exhausted.

So I walk the twenty minutes back. Make dinner. Stare with straining eyes at the screen. Want to sleep

You see now why I say God must hate me :)

_-_v_-_
10-09-2004, 07:45 PM
<----------Is an idiot.

That is all.

Except, of course this.

BB Bench: 45 X 12; 95 X 8; 115 X 4; 135 X 1;125 X 3; 115 X 6;115 X 5 + 2 post-failure

Weighted Dips: +20 X 5.5; +20 X 5; +15 X 6

Iso Hammer Strength Incline Press: (+60 per side) X 4; (+50 per side) X 6.

DB Flies: 27.5 X 4 + 4 fly-presses;

Cable Flies: 45 X 6 + 10 pushups (superset)

EZ-Curl Skullcrushers: )(EZ+30) X 3 + 4 CGBP; +20 X 5 + 4 CGBP; +20 X 4 + 4 CGBP

Overhead Cable Extensions: 75 X 5; 70 X 6

V-Grip Tricep Pressdowns: 100 X 7

And, yes, the red signifies a decrease.

I said I was an idiot, didn't I?

I'll be back in a bit.

_-_v_-_
10-09-2004, 09:21 PM
I don't know if I can do with, if I will do this, if I even want to do this.

That doesn't matter, though. None of that matters. Because I have to do this.

Forgive the endless self-exegeses which constitute this journal; forgive the litany of lamentation and the long list of lies; forgive the maudlin excess, the circumlocation, the rationlization, and most importantly the hesitation. Forgive it all. Please.

I'm so...goddamn...tired of living like this. I'm tired of myopic monasticism. I'm tired of obsession. I'm tired of being tired.

For God's sake, what I'd do for a real night's sleep....

I've got to stop this now. I've got to put the brakes on this thing while I still can. While I still have hair, while I still have a thyroid, while I still have a metabolism.

I'm going to sit down right now and write out -- by hand, mind you, something I haven't done -- a diet plan for tomorrow, starting with breakfast. And I'm going to stick to it.

Why now? What makes today any different from yesterday, from any of the other days when I said I'd do this?

1) My morning body temperature is 96. It isn't elevating appropriately during the day, either -- in both cases, it's significantly depressed. According to Lyle, this is a Bad Thing.

2) I can't stay asleep. I awake at 4:00 and doze; perhaps I'm cold; perhaps I'm hungry; I don't know. But I can't do this any longer.

3) I can't think, can't focus; I'm depressed, etc... I have no appetite, no cares. Etc.

4) My performance in the gym...is nil -- and it's getting worse.

5) My blood work is ****. I've exercise-induced anemia, immunosuppression, elevated liver enzymes. I don't even want to KNOW my cortisol levels.

6) I've no appetite -- none at all. No desires, nothing. No life.

7) I've lost weight; I'm the leanest I've ever been; etc...

I know you've heard this all before. I don't care. I needed to say it, needed to see it. Yes, I know; I'm an idiot. I don't care. I'm ranting, venting. But doing something about it, for once; facing it; fearing it; feeling it.

For God's sake, I'm twenty-one, and I haven't lived. I haven't hung out, haven't made friends, haven't kicked back and relaxed, haven't enjoyed this gift that is existence. I have turned my very life itself into a source of stress, into pain rather than pleasure. I have wasted so much ****ing time. Goddamn it. Do I want to look back, from wherever it is I end up in life, upon a life lived without pleasure, without enjoyment, without laughter, without even so much as a ****ing smile? A life lived as a slave to an obsession? A life lived as a coward? A life lived in fear?

I want to live again, feel again, taste again, talk again, have friends again. I want to be able to read again, to think again, to eat again, and most importantly to sleep again. Goddamn, but I've been a fool. An utter failure; and a tragic fool.

Forgive the rant; forgive the rampage; forgive the remonstration and the rage. I needed to vent.

There's no right way to go about it, is there. At this point, I don't need your typical high-carb, ultra-lowfat refeed. I don't need to gradually ramp up calories. I just need food. And lots of it. There's no one option that will prove better than any other, is there? Is there? If anyone sees one, tell me. Now.

I'll be back. I've got a diet to write for a change. I've got a plan to make.

And yes, I'll post it here, once I've written it.

**** it. I have an idea of what I'll eat for breakfast, of when I'll lift; but beyond that, I'm just going to try to eat. I'll post what I eat. I'll estimate the calories at the end of the day, to see how much better I've done. But I'm not going to calculate or care. I've got to work on that.

Let's get going, for God's sake. Bring this ****. I'm tired of being a coward. I know what my body needs. I know how I used to be. But I've lived a slave to the fear inside of me.

What does it say that men my age can die for their country, can face bullets and bombs and beheading, when I can't even face a ****ing sandwich? They are giving their lives; and I am very slowly taking my own.

JustinF
10-10-2004, 07:09 AM
Don't take this the wrong way man, but you contradicted yourself there. You say you just need to eat, which is correct. No one diet plan is going to make more difference than the other. Forget writing up a diet, you don't need to have anything to "stick to". You don't need a ****ing plan. You just need to eat. You say it yourself, you know it; so just DO IT! Whatever those food are that you can eat without an allergic reaction, do that. Don't worry about eating too much at a meal, whatever. Just eat.

_-_v_-_
10-10-2004, 08:11 AM
Don't take this the wrong way man, but you contradicted yourself there. You say you just need to eat, which is correct. No one diet plan is going to make more difference than the other. Forget writing up a diet, you don't need to have anything to "stick to". You don't need a ****ing plan. You just need to eat. You say it yourself, you know it; so just DO IT! Whatever those food are that you can eat without an allergic reaction, do that. Don't worry about eating too much at a meal, whatever. Just eat.

That's what I'm going to try to do. See?



**** it. I have an idea of what I'll eat for breakfast, of when I'll lift; but beyond that, I'm just going to try to eat. I'll post what I eat. I'll estimate the calories at the end of the day, to see how much better I've done. But I'm not going to calculate or care. I've got to work on that.

_-_v_-_
10-10-2004, 12:40 PM
I trained legs today.

Wow.

Training:

Deadlifts: 135 X 6; 185 X 4; 195 X 2; 185 X 3; 185 X 2; 175 X 3; 175 X 2.

Leg Press: Sled+270 X 4; 270 X 4; +270 X 3 + 3 forced-reps, +270 X 3 + 2 forced-reps.

I color AND bold this to signify just how much of a decrease this was. Not only was it significant, it was also on a GREATER degree of rest than normal (eight days since last leg training; and three days, rather than two, since HIIT.)

Single-Leg Quad Extension: 50 X 5, 50 X 4

Single-Leg Quad Extension Dropset: 50 X 3, 45 X 3, 40 X 3

Lying Leg Curls: 60 X 4; 55 X 5; 55 X 5

Seated Downward Leg Curls: 120 X 5.5;

A different machine; very strange, but a good finisher.

Seated Calf Raises: +55 X 6; 55 X 5; 45 X 6

Finished with some machine calf extensions.

I know; it's sad. But I can't very well aim for progress NEXT week unless I know how poorly I performed THIS week, can I?

_-_v_-_
10-10-2004, 06:50 PM
I've a lot to say tonight.

I wonder if I'm not too tired to say it, though.

It's so hard to focus on classes, to do my reading, etc... My eyes hurt, I'm so tired. The thought of putting forth the mental effort...ugh.

Paul Stagg
10-10-2004, 07:09 PM
What is keeping you from getting past worrying about everything, and just eating.

Really. Try it. Just lift, and eat whatever, whenever. Lots.

_-_v_-_
10-10-2004, 09:35 PM
I'm the only thing keeping me from doing it.

Today was better, yes -- in one sense. The conviction remains intact, at least.

But otherwise, I was too busy. I trained; I walked too damn much; I ran too many errands; I finished an essay for my medical school secondary applications; and this week I find out my MCAT scores.

God have mercy on my soul :)

And on another front, I have good news, I think. I have exploring the possibility of associating with a research-themed house here on campus. A bit of explanation is likely in order here, I suspect. Due to the, well, INSANE housing prices in the Bay Area, roughly 99.999999999% of the Stanford student body lives on campus; and so Stanford, in its infinite wisdom, offers a panoply of housing arrangements. One popular
arrangement is called -- brace yourself -- a "house". Picture a cross between a dorm and a frat; the building is typically, well, a large house, holds from 20-50 students, and may or may not have a "theme." The house to which I referred is new this year, and is populated by students who profess an interest in science and/or research. Most importantly, these students eat at Stanford's only "peanut-free" dining hall. While this wouldn't do a damn thing about my other allergies, it would at least make things a hell of a lot easier on me. And besides, if I were truly honest with myself, I'd realize that I'd have no problem eating there. No problem at all.

So that bodes well, I hope. I wouldn't live there, of course -- it doesn't make any sense to move all my crap out of a 4th-floor apartment for what will be my last quarter here -- but I could hang out there and eat with them. It would do me a hell of a lot of good, I think.

I'm also attempting to involve myself in various clubs and organizations, at least for the remainder of my life here. It's sad, really; I'm about to graduate, and I haven't yet managed to make a single lasting connection here. What a ****ing waste.

_-_v_-_
10-12-2004, 12:05 PM
I find out my MCAT scores today.

May god have mercy on my soul

_-_v_-_
10-12-2004, 02:48 PM
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

_-_v_-_
10-12-2004, 02:51 PM
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ryuage
10-12-2004, 03:09 PM
does that mean you got your scores back?

_-_v_-_
10-12-2004, 05:21 PM
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!1!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!1!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!1!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!1!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!1!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1


*wastes more server space*

YES!!!

_-_v_-_
10-14-2004, 08:52 AM
I'm back, folks.

And I feel....better.

So get in here, people. I think a celebration is in order.

Why?

MCAT's, baby. Over. Finito. And I'm set for medical school, I think. I hope. I pray.

I'm not going to post my raw score -- I'm not entirely comfortable doing that -- but I will post my percentile score. Why? Because, goddammit, I need to brag once in a while. I'm normally far too down on myself; I'm far too self-abnegating, self-deprecating, self-defeating. I need to take a bit of pride in myself from time to time. It's only healthy, for god's sake. I need to remember that I don't need to be ashamed of myself; that I'm not my own enemy; that life is to be lived and loved, not suffered through and stressed over. I need to kick back and relax and sing my own goddamn praises for a change. Who knows? Maybe, if I sing them often enough, I may even start to -- god forbid -- believe them!

That said, here goes:

+99th. ****ing. Percentile.

Perfect writing sample score.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And on every other front, I'm feeling more hopeful, feeling better, feeling pretty damn good. More updates to come. And yes, I did lift yesterday, and Monday as well -- decreased both days, of course, but I'm working on that. I have my appointment with the sleep clinic today as well, thank God.

I'll write more. But in the meantime....WOO-HOO!!!!!!!!!

Blood&Iron
10-14-2004, 08:54 AM
I hate smart people.

_-_v_-_
10-14-2004, 09:22 AM
Dude, there's one problem with that, in your case:

Self-hatred is never a good thing.

pruneman
10-14-2004, 11:38 AM
Lol. Dude, you completely wiped up. You deserve to brag! :thumbup:

_-_v_-_
10-14-2004, 12:03 PM
lol. Thanks, man.

I need to grow more comfortable with that -- and with myself, for that matter :)

_-_v_-_
10-15-2004, 08:42 PM
I'm back, folks. This time, for real.

I went shopping today; I stocked up today. And what is more important than what I bought, I think you'll agree, is what I didn't buy.

I didn't buy sweet potatoes. I didn't buy sugar-free syrups. I didn't buy calorie-free adulterants.

I bought real foods, whole foods. I bought pastas and pasta fixings; I bought cereals and soy milk; I bought oatmeal and tuna, salad fixings and dressings; I bought food that I can use -- finally -- to recover.

I spent a good deal; but now I'm set. I've a plan, a goal, a direction.

I'm tempted to try to go without my food scale -- but, honestly, right now, if I do, I know I'll just subconsciously reduce my food intake beyond what I'm currently eating, and that won't help my physiological state a bit. It's rather urgent, I'd say. Hell, I just want to be able to sleep again.

I also lifted today.

BB Bench: 45 X 12; 95 X 12; 115 X 4; 135 X 1;125 X 3; 115 X 5;115 X 4 + 2 post-failure

Weighted Dips: +20 X 5; +20 X 3; +15 X 4.5

Marked decrease here, even at a lower weight. Imagine that.

Iso Hammer Strength Incline Press: (+60 per side) X 4; (+50 per side) X 4.5..

DB Flies: 25 X 4 + 4 fly-presses; 25 X 3 + 4 fp

Cable Flies: 45 X 6 + 10 pushups (superset)

EZ-Curl Skullcrushers: )(EZ+30) X 3 + 4 CGBP; +20 X 3 + 4 CGBP

Overhead Cable Extensions: 75 X 4; 70 X 4

Finished with some lateral raises and v-grip tricep pushdowns.

Next week: No red; only blue! Progress, people!

Incidentally, I had the opportunity to consult with a sports medicine specialist here at Stanford. Imagine what he told me; imagine what I heard. Hell; why don't I simply quote an email he sent as a followup:



If you were a varsity athlete, you probably would be off the team/sidelined d/t the weight decline and lab issues - any responsible coach would have gotten you care earlier in the game.

The rec's would not be that different - the front burner issue now is helping you to re-establish a better weight. And the only way to do this is to consume more kcals/fuel - doesn't matter if it's CHO, protein or dietary fat - it all boils down to kcals for weight gain. Your body, when nourished better, will put down what it needs to for better health - and with your training regiman I will assume it will get in high gear re-establishing muscle tissue.

Your energy requirements, with a higher weight, will be greater - can't recall if we said something like 3,800 - 4,000 kcals/day. But pls don't over-think on this point at this point - just focus on the immediate which is working yourself, 200 - 250 kcals at time, to nearer 3,000 kcals.


Basically, yeah. At my current activity level, and with my history, he was shocked I was limiting myself to 2000-2050 calories per day. That could definitely explain -- well, it explains everything.

BIG C
10-16-2004, 12:37 AM
Good session!

Isaac Wilkins
10-16-2004, 03:50 AM
That sounds familiar.

;)



Oh, and I'll take this opportunity to publicly congratulate you on the MCATs. Congrats, boy-o. :cool:

_-_v_-_
10-16-2004, 08:12 AM
That sounds familiar.

;)


All too familiar, I know.



Oh, and I'll take this opportunity to publicly congratulate you on the MCATs. Congrats, boy-o. :cool:

Thanks, man. I did fantastically well, I admit -- but I know that I'm still paying for it. I put myself through hell for that f*cking test...

_-_v_-_
10-16-2004, 12:20 PM
I trained legs today; my strength decreased; what else is new.

On the bright side, I feel I'm finally putting my life -- aside from school, of course; but then, I've never had a problem sacrificing my health and happiness for a goddamn grade -- back together.

I'll post the workout in a bit.

_-_v_-_
10-16-2004, 09:32 PM
I need to figure out what to start making for breakfast.

It's the hardest meal for me. I wake up; I'm tired; I can't think; and so it's so very tempting and easy, in such a state, to fall back on habituated consumption patterns, to make the same things I've always made, etc... I simply don't know what else to do; I'm too tired to think about what to do; etc...

I need to plan it in advance. Any ideas? I also need to plan a full day's worth of eating, to boot.

MixmasterNash
10-16-2004, 11:24 PM
I need to figure out what to start making for breakfast.

It's the hardest meal for me. I wake up; I'm tired; I can't think; and so it's so very tempting and easy, in such a state, to fall back on habituated consumption patterns, to make the same things I've always made, etc... I simply don't know what else to do; I'm too tired to think about what to do; etc...

I need to plan it in advance. Any ideas? I also need to plan a full day's worth of eating, to boot.

Breakfast is the same for me. However, 4-5 hardboiled eggs always work. 10 minutes of boiling gives me time to drink my coffee and water.

MixmasterNash
10-16-2004, 11:34 PM
I also lifted today.

BB Bench: 45 X 12; 95 X 12; 115 X 4; 135 X 1;125 X 3; 115 X 5;115 X 4 + 2 post-failure

Weighted Dips: +20 X 5; +20 X 3; +15 X 4.5

Marked decrease here, even at a lower weight. Imagine that.

Iso Hammer Strength Incline Press: (+60 per side) X 4; (+50 per side) X 4.5..

DB Flies: 25 X 4 + 4 fly-presses; 25 X 3 + 4 fp

Cable Flies: 45 X 6 + 10 pushups (superset)

EZ-Curl Skullcrushers: )(EZ+30) X 3 + 4 CGBP; +20 X 3 + 4 CGBP

Overhead Cable Extensions: 75 X 4; 70 X 4

Finished with some lateral raises and v-grip tricep pushdowns.

I'm going to disagree with Big C. I think this is a bad workout, but not for reasons of progression or weight or anything else.

The volume is awful. I count 25-ish sets. For chest! And tris. Bleh.

Forget working tris. Completely awful. 5 sets bench. 2 sets dips. 2 sets incline. That's a max volume workout in your case. At your intake levels, anything else is probably decreasing muscle development. I might even consider a 5 set chest routine with no other work.

BIG C
10-17-2004, 02:03 AM
I'm not trying to start an argument or anything, but I still don't see that as too many sets.

I could see if the sets were high reps, but the sets are low reps. Except for the couple of warm up sets.

pruneman
10-17-2004, 07:46 AM
I'd have to agree w/ mixmasternash...eggs are easy calories. You can even hard boil them so that you don't have to cook them in the morning. It's really great--no thinking involved; you just eat it.

_-_v_-_
10-17-2004, 08:16 AM
I know about eggs :) -- I love eggs.

What I mean is: OTHER than eggs. Things to do with oatmeal that aren't so deeply disordered; meal options, meal plans, meal ideas, that don't lend themselves to such weird, compulsive adulteration. I've been so strange for so long that I can barely recall what normal is :)

MixmasterNash
10-17-2004, 09:24 AM
I know about eggs :) -- I love eggs.

What I mean is: OTHER than eggs. Things to do with oatmeal that aren't so deeply disordered; meal options, meal plans, meal ideas, that don't lend themselves to such weird, compulsive adulteration. I've been so strange for so long that I can barely recall what normal is :)

Geez! You = smartest person on WBB. You like eggs. Therefore, eggs are obviously the best! Hell, the relevant chapter in the awesome "How to Cook Everything" is entitled: "Eggs, Breakfast, and Brunch Dishes" for a damn good reason.

I HATE HATE HATE eating carbs when I wake up. Just don't like it. Makes me feel ill. I love protein though, and obviously eggs are it. Hard boiled in the default, but scrambled and ommelettes are great for mixing in vegies.

Other options: Bacon. Canadian bacon. Breakfast ham. Pig in all forms. Steak -- why not? Cheese and tomatos, with a monkey load of olive oil. Yogurt. Cottage cheese and peaches. Get southern with some cheese grits.

_-_v_-_
10-17-2004, 09:40 AM
Geez! You = smartest person on WBB. You like eggs. Therefore, eggs are obviously the best! Hell, the relevant chapter in the awesome "How to Cook Everything" is entitled: "Eggs, Breakfast, and Brunch Dishes" for a damn good reason.

I HATE HATE HATE eating carbs when I wake up. Just don't like it. Makes me feel ill. I love protein though, and obviously eggs are it. Hard boiled in the default, but scrambled and ommelettes are great for mixing in vegies.

Other options: Bacon. Canadian bacon. Breakfast ham. Pig in all forms. Steak -- why not? Cheese and tomatos, with a monkey load of olive oil. Yogurt. Cottage cheese and peaches. Get southern with some cheese grits.

LOL. Thanks, man. Forgot to mention one small thing:

I'm allergic -- fatally -- to all dairy, nut, and shellfish products; to some fruits and vegetables; and to a few other random items.

Cheeses? Out. Yogurt? Nope. Peanut butter? See ya.

On the the bright side, I'm more than caught up on the homework front -- so, barring some heretofore unanticipated confluence of unfortunate circumstances (such as the fact that I slept miserably last night; that I'm exhausted; that I'm sore; that I'm overworked; etc...) I can devote some time today to drafting a prospective plan and getting things back together. I hope to discuss the issue with B, today, as well. I'm through with living like this; I want to get thing started.

John0101
10-17-2004, 11:15 AM
I'm going to disagree with Big C. I think this is a bad workout, but not for reasons of progression or weight or anything else.

The volume is awful. I count 25-ish sets. For chest! And tris. Bleh.

Forget working tris. Completely awful. 5 sets bench. 2 sets dips. 2 sets incline. That's a max volume workout in your case. At your intake levels, anything else is probably decreasing muscle development. I might even consider a 5 set chest routine with no other work.

I don't even think you should be working out. It seems like your getting skinnier and skinnier and weaker and weaker. Why not just stop lifting until you can fix other things in your life first?

2-3 working sets close to failure for each large body part is all you need to keep your strength.

_-_v_-_
10-17-2004, 11:41 AM
Honestly, john:

I enjoy it. Far too much, I think. And if I don't train, it's going to be even harder for me to make the dietary changes I need to make. I'm not sure that makes much sense -- but that's how it feels, at least right now.

_-_v_-_
10-17-2004, 05:05 PM
Update:

Homework is done. Diet is poor. I feel like hell.

I slept far too little last night; the day dawned dark and dank, a California cloud-covered casket sky; and all day it was as if I had a fog machine spewing confusion just beneath my forehead. I felt dizzy; I felt feckless; I felt depressed; could hardly concentrate; I don't know what was going on.

I tried to do some active recovery -- let's just say my run was aborted rather prematurely. My legs wouldn't go any further. I don't want to hear about how stupid I am; I know that, believe me. I told myself, before I left, that I would compensate for the activity by eating more today; but I was simply too depressed, too stricken with inexplicable stomach aches and cramps, too befuddled by this goddamn mental fog, to care about eating.

I'm going to try to get a lot of sleep tonight. That should help.

ectx
10-18-2004, 09:30 PM
Chin up...and LESS CARDIO.


think of it this way...if you do less cardio now, you can do more cardio later. I know it's fun, but you're getting to a point where it and a whole lot of other things won't be fun. Your call.

_-_v_-_
10-19-2004, 08:46 AM
I know, mang. Believe me, I know -- because I think I'm already at that point. We'll see.

And you need to get your ass in here and post a prospective short-term goal, dammit. :)

Blood&Iron
10-19-2004, 08:52 AM
post a prospective short-term goal, dammit. :)
Wasn't directed at me, but I'll give it a shot:
Eat more.

_-_v_-_
10-19-2004, 09:00 AM
lol.

It's rather hard to quantify success for a goal/bet like that -- too much wriggle-room, you know?

"I ate two pieces of broccoli, rather than one! I 4R3 T3H W1NN3R!!!"

Blood&Iron
10-19-2004, 09:22 AM
lol.

It's rather hard to quantify success for a goal/bet like that -- too much wriggle-room, you know?

No, there isn't. I'll give you a Pass/Fail grade, of which I am sole arbiter.

Broccoli (irrespective of how many pieces were consumed) = FAIL
Large hunk of lard = PASS

Govern yourself accordingly.

_-_v_-_
10-19-2004, 12:32 PM
lol. I'm probably allergic to lard, man.

ectx
10-19-2004, 12:37 PM
Chin up...and LESS CARDIO.


think of it this way...if you do less cardio now, you can do more cardio later. I know it's fun, but you're getting to a point where it and a whole lot of other things won't be fun. Your call.

No. I'm too busy singling out coconuts in general chat...and doing really important work stuff...like saving lives and...stuff. :p

_-_v_-_
10-19-2004, 12:46 PM
Singling out coconuts?

_-_v_-_
10-22-2004, 07:37 PM
I'm back, folks.

Where've I been? I wish I could say. It's a long and painful story, I must admit. Things have not necessarily gone so well of late; but, for once, I think I know why.

As some of you are no doubt aware, I have been on HRT for quite some time, due to the inexplicable cessation of my own endogenous testosterone production. Recently, however, my endocrinologist thought it prudent, based upon reams of baffling hematological data, to switch to an alternative transdermal delivery modality (from androgel to androderm), as the previous modality was not yielding the serum testosterone levels that: A) it once yielded; and B) by all calculations and all rights should have continued to yield.

After one week on androderm -- this past week -- my serum testosterone levels plummetted from 300 ng/dl (far below my previously "normal" level) to below 80 ng/dl.

Yesterday, consequently, I received an injection (300 mg, I believe) of a short-lived testosterone ester; and have been told, in the meantime, to stay on the androgel. It is my endocrinologist's hope that the injection will serve to "boost" my levels to their previous norms, and that, subsequently, my current dosage of androgel will be sufficient to maintain them there. He will therefore assay my levels: A) in ten days (which will indicate the peak levels yielded by shot+androgel); and B) in three weeks (which will reveal the effectiveness of androgel in maintaining said peak levels.)

Perhaps relatedly, I realize, I felt miserable Tuesday, Wednesday, and most of Thursday. I felt lethargic; I felt depressed; I felt primally disconnected, as if I were adrift in a sea of inhuman apathy. I felt reduced to a passive receiver of the world -- as if I were merely a pair of photoreceptors with a microphone attached, beholding a visual panoply sans all sense and sentiment; as if the world unfolding ceaselessly before me had no more import, was no more intelligable, than the patterns of a kaleidoscope. I felt I could no longer think; and worse, that I could no longer care.

That changed Thursday night, somehow. And still more so today. I feel capable, now; I am able to reason and ratiocinate, to deliberate and debate and decide, to act in a way that I haven't felt capable of doing in what feels like years.

This, of course, makes me wonder: could all my previous difficulties have been caused by having had, for the last six months (and particulalry for the last 10 days,) low (for me) testosterone levels? I wonder.

Suffice to say I've got some great news to share. But I'm getting tired; I'll post more in a bit; I have shopping to do, errands to run, and a paper to write. I'll be back in a bit.

_-_v_-_
10-23-2004, 09:05 AM
: Long Term Goals:

We made a few bets, Ectx and I -- and since it's rather presumptive that, at some heretofore undetermined and entirely hypothetical point, there will assurredly be a WBB meet-up at which my attendance will no doubt be mandatory, either he (the fat old bastard) or I will have ample opportunity to pay the **** up. Likely I will, of course, given my previous stellar track record when it comes to such promises -- I break them, it seems, even more easily than I make them.

Though we have not yet decided upon the long-term bets which he will try to win, we have determined their counterparts -- i.e., those which I will use as goals and guidelines. Success or failure will be assayed in three months' time.

1) Weigh 130 lbs.
2) Bench 185 lbs and deadlift 275 lbs.

If I recall correctly, these are the two long-term bets we've made. Each is worth two dollars. There will likewise be a trio of shorter-term bets, more focused on the dietary discipline -- or rather, in my case, the lack thereof -- necessary to achieve these goals. We have not yet determined said bets, however.

So the clock has started; the countdown has begun. It's time for ectx to get his cutting on; it's time for me to get my bulking on.

: To Do:

1) Paper: Demography, Bio 102.
2) Problem Set: Immunology, Bio 230.
3) Study: Prokaryote Genetics, Bio 133
4) Study: Immunology, Bio 230.
5) Clean Apartment
(and...drumroll, please!....)
6) Mailing Request: Letters of Recommendation.

(wait for it....)

6) Movie!!!: With a Girl!!!

Thoughts:

I'll update this later; I have a lot to say.

Current Stats:

Weight: 116.
BF%: Too ****ing low.

I think that's all that needs to be said.

Workout:

I'll post yesterday's chest workout in a bit. I have a paper to finish reading, however.

Isaac Wilkins
10-23-2004, 09:11 AM
A movie? With a GIRL? Great googley moogely, boy! Use this opportunity for test increases. ;)

Good on ya making some little bets. Those goals are attainable and are good motivation.

And stuff.

_-_v_-_
10-23-2004, 09:24 AM
Any thoughts on the test. phenomenon, btw?

Could the injection have made THAT LARGE of a psychological difference so quickly?

Isaac Wilkins
10-23-2004, 10:04 AM
Given that you were VERY low before the injection, I think it could have made a difference.

ST would probably be more qualified to explain the speed of psychological differences involved with HRT, but I think it can be fairly observable and rapid.

I'm speaking of radically different drugs from what you're using for my example, but notice how fast one can notice psychological changes from Halo or Tren?

_-_v_-_
10-25-2004, 08:36 PM
Wow.

It's amazing what a psychological difference a bit of test can make.

My appetite has increased; my mental acuity has sharpened; my drive has improved; even my muscles feel different. I figure that it HAS to be the test, given that: A) my diet has only marginally improved, and what improvements have been made have generally been in terms of quality, rather than quantity; B) my sleeping patterns haven't improved; and C) I've adopted a more extensive, more frequent training regimen.

Case in point: I put up 145 today on the bench, only three days after I last benched (which was, incidentally, a high-volume, quite intensive workout.) My diet saturday was not so great; yesterday's was slightly better, not in terms of overall caloric intake, really, but at least in terms of the quantity and nature of carbohydrates consumed.

Today's lunch, I think, helped quite a bit: rather than the sprouted-grain bread sandwiches I used to make (27g carbs, of which 6g were fibrous), I had a half-half mixture of wheat and whole-wheat pasta, some beans, tuna, and fish-oil caps + almonds. The total calories in the meal were the same (350 calories, though the macronutrient breakdown was different: less fat and a good deal more carbs in today's meal), though the day's total was perhaps slightly higher than usual. And god knows my weight hasn't increased, though my muscles feel decidedly more "full."

At any rate, that's my rant. I loves me my test.

I'll be posting updates soon. Don't worry. Have been too busy lately.

_-_v_-_
10-26-2004, 12:21 PM
Day One: Rededication

Goals:

Long Term: 90 Days Remaining

1) Weigh 130 lbs.
2) Bench 185 lbs; deadlift 275 lbs; weighted chin + 65lbs.

Short Term:

(To be determined)

Tasks:

1) Finish midterm paper.
2) Give letters of recommendation to Career Development Center -- DONE.
3) Complete Immunology Problem Set
4) Post previous workouts and diet.

Lifting:

(To be posted later)

Thoughts:

That I have attempted to do this before is obvious; that I will succeed this time is not. But I feel different than I have in ages -- months, even years. I have energy again; I have drive. And, most importantly, I have an appetite again.

Could so many of my problems have been caused by having had low testosterone (relative to my previous norms) for so long (the last eight to nine months)? I wonder.

I don't want to go back to where I was. I feel so healthy now, so normal, so vivid, so tangible and real. I feel connected to the world, and to myself, in a way I can't remember feeling in...four years? five?

I actually have felt hunger lately; and not only hunger per se, but the hunger I used to know, back when I was normal. The sort of hunger known by someone who is underweight; the sort of hunger known by someone riding a metabolic rocket; the sort of hunger known by someone who could eat as they pleased without consequence; the sort of hunger I used to know as friend and foe. It seems conceivable -- it seems possible, now -- for me to eat without calculating, without caring, and, most importany, without consequence. In the past this seemed impossible; but now it seems not only possible but probable, even necessary. I can't explain it any better than this, I'm afraid. Things just seem to have changed.

How so?

It's as if things, particularly in the past day or two, have just clicked. It's as if I've suddenly realized, and accepted, that I'm not going to see fat gain from an hour's inactivity; that I won't gain weight in a day, in a week, or even, with my history, in a month; that lifting imposes significant caloric demands if growth is to occur; that I have been sadly strange and sadly stupid; that I've been slowly beating myself into the ground; etc.

Isaac Wilkins
10-26-2004, 02:16 PM
And, to quote ST:

"Test does a body good"

:D

_-_v_-_
10-26-2004, 03:23 PM
LOL.

Having an appetite again -- you have no idea how good that feels.

I honestly feel like I could eat a horse, though obviously my stomach isn't yet ready for such drastic measures. The quantity of food I can stomach at a given time hasn't yet increased; what has changed is not just the rapidity with which my hunger returns but also the fact that it exists at all.

_-_v_-_
10-26-2004, 07:08 PM
Recent Lifting: 10-25-04:

BB Bench: 45 X 12; 95 X 8; 115 X 4; 135 X 4;145 X 1; 135 X 3;125 X 4 + 2 post-failure

DB Incline Press: 50 X 5; 50 X 4

Weighted Dips: +20 X 4; +20 X 5; +15 X 4[/color]

DB Flies: 25 X 4; 25 X 4

BB Behind-the-Neck Shoulder Press: 75 X 4; 73 X 3 + 3 forced-reps

BB Hang Clean and Press: 65 X 4; 65 X 3

BB Shrugs: 155 X 8; 155 X 6; 155 X 4

Cable Upright Rows:110 X 6; 110 X 4

Beast
10-26-2004, 08:29 PM
Hey V, which schools are you applying to, and have you had any interviews yet?

_-_v_-_
10-26-2004, 09:06 PM
I applied to a panoply of schools -- 15, 16?

My top choice is the University of Washington. Not only is it the top primary care school in the nation -- I've had my fill of research, thank you very much -- but also it would grant me in-state tuition (it has an exchange/association program with Idaho.)

I took the August MCAT, though, which means my interviews won't be for a bit. I'm merely waiting: A) for Washington, as well as other schools, to respond to my secondary, which they don't even require to be turned in until January 1st (it's already in, of course); and B) for the schools which would not send secondaries until they received my MCAT scores to do so.

JustinF
10-27-2004, 03:37 PM
Sounds like things are coming together. Good deal.

ectx
10-27-2004, 03:41 PM
finish your immunology problem set already.


I'm glad things are looking up. It's about freakin time!

_-_v_-_
10-27-2004, 07:57 PM
Day Two:

Goals:

Long Term: 89 Days Remaining

1) Weigh 130 lbs.
2) Bench 185 lbs; deadlift 275 lbs; weighted chin + 65lbs.

Short Term:

(To be determined)

Tasks:

1) Finish midterm paper. -- DONE
2) Complete Immunology Problem Set
3) Post workout and diet.
4) Complete Genetics Midterm.
5) Buy creatine/dextrose.
6) Shopping.

Lifting: Back/Biceps:

Weighted Chins: (palms in): BW X 6; +25 X 6; +25 X 4; 20 X 4; 20 X 4; (wide-grip, palms out): BW X 3; BW X 3.

BB Rows: 75 X 8; 75 X 7; 70 X 8.

DB Rows: 37.5 X 6; 37.5 X 6

Close-grip Cable Pulldowns: 140 X 6; 140 X 4

Hammer Strength Iso-Lateral Rows: (+50 per side) X 8; +55 X 8

EZ-Curls: (EZ-Bar+30) X 5; +30 X 4; +30 X 4

DB Hammer Curls: 27.5 X 6; 30 X 4

Thoughts:

(To be updated later.)

_-_v_-_
10-28-2004, 08:38 AM
Day Three:

Bets/Goals:

Long Term: 88 Days Remaining

1) Weigh 130 lbs.
2) Bench 185 lbs; deadlift 275 lbs; weighted chin + 65lbs.

Short Term:

1) Eat +2500 calories from Fri-Sun; eat 3000+cal/day for one week subsequent to this. Furthermore, you won't see any fat gain from this intake. These two points comprise the bet.
2) Eat something I like in-between "timed meals" each day, if even as something as simple as a piece of fruit.
3) Don't weigh myself for two weeks.

Medium Term:

1) If I start eating better, I'll start sleeping better.

Sleep:
Total: 5.5 hours
Quality: I awoke at 4:00 and dozed; I'm still experiencing that damn early-onset awakening.

Tasks:

1) Finish midterm paper. -- DONE
2) Complete Immunology Problem Set -- DONE .
3) Post workout and diet -- DONE .
4) Complete Genetics Midterm.
5) Buy creatine/dextrose/protein. -- DONE
6) Shopping:
a) Sprouted Wheat Bread, etc. -- DONE
7) Return Goods to Safeway/Target -- DONE
8) Complete Letter of Reference Mailing Requests.
9) Email N (Girl 1) -- DONE .
10) Talk to A (Girl 2).
11) Set up goals with ECTX -- DONE

Activity level and Training: Lifecycle -- HIIT

Warmup: Level 6, 110 RPM, 5 minutes: 1.5 miles.
Intervals: Nature: 40s, 100 RPM; 20s, 110-120 RPM

I1: Level 7 / Level 11
I2: L7/L11
I3: L7/L10
I4: L7/L10
I5: L7/L10
I6: L7/L10
I7: L7/L9
I8: L7/L9
I9: L6/L9
I10: L6/L9
I11: L6/L9
I12: L6/L9
I13: L6/L9
I14: L6/L9

Total Time and Distance: 14 minutes; 4.5 miles.

Cooldown:
1) Lifecycle: Level 6, 100 RPM, 5 minutes.
2) Treadmill: 4.5 mph, 5 minutes.

Total Lifecycle Time and Distance: 24 minutes. 7.5 miles.

Time Spent Walking to and from Class, with a backpack: 60-70 minutes, if not a bit more.

Diet

Meal One: 6:45 AM: 520cal: 70c/35p/11f (11g fiber)
1/2 cup steel cut oats
140g strawberries
1 cup soy milk
22 g soy protein powder
2 fish oil capsules.

Notes: This meal constitutes quite an improvement for me, honestly -- calorically speaking, it's the largest breakfast I've eaten in ages. Otherwise, however, I didn't care for it; I find I don't like steel-cut oats in the least.

If I ever post this meal again, shoot me.

Meal Two: 9:45-10:00 AM: Post-HIIT: 300cal:50c/25p/0f
25 g protein.
50 g dextrose.

Meal Three: 11:30 AM:: 350cal: 31c/32p/11f (6g fiber)
Two slices Ezekiel Sprouted Wheat Bread
Spinach/Tomatoes
3 oz chicken
4 Fish Oil Capsules
7 Almonds

Meal Four: 2:30 PM: 300 cal: 30c/20p/10f (6g fiber)
Two slices Ezekiel Sprouted Wheat Bread
Two eggs

Meal Five: 6:00 PM: 350 cal;42c/31p/6f
56 g whole wheat pasta
Grilled Vegetables
110g cod
1 tsp olive oil.

Meal Six: 9:30 PM: 300 cal; 27c/24p/7f
32 g oatmeal
1 tbsp soy nut butter
18g soy protein powder
30 g banana

Thoughts and Requests:

1) Why am I tracking and posting my diet? Because I would like to solicit advice; because I want to improve my athletic performance, and I realize that, to do so, I'll have to fuel my body appropriately; because I know that I have drastically skewed sense of caloric normality and need; and because otherwise I suspect will not give my nutritional milieu the care or concern it deserves.

Furthermore, this precludes me -- if I remain honest, as I plan to -- from claiming improvements that don't exist; from eating in ways from which I must desist; and, most importantly, from deferring promised action and possible progress. It will also allow me to track what I actually like to eat, a sense I've long lost.

So, advice and suggestions are welcome.

2) Had I not had class until 9:30 last night, I would have prepared different meals for today; and would likely have had more success, etc... I was tired, though, as you might expect.

3) I know I shouldn't be performing cardio, particularly not at my overall activity level. I've been feeling so good, lately, though....And, honestly, I think it will help me get my diet in line. So, ectx: STFU :)

_-_v_-_
10-28-2004, 01:00 PM
Note: Workout has been posted.

ectx
10-28-2004, 01:10 PM
and still no immunology problem set....dude, it's not like it's hard to undersand isotype switching and antigen presentation via the proteosome. geeze.

_-_v_-_
10-28-2004, 01:18 PM
2) Complete Immunology Problem Set -- DONE .

ECTX = blind.

Beast
10-28-2004, 01:53 PM
Damn, Washington owns. Good luck on that one, man.

_-_v_-_
10-28-2004, 03:37 PM
Thanks, man. Here's hoping.

By the way, all:

Tomorrow I have to lift earlier in the morning -- 9:00 AM. I plan to eat breakfast between 6:30-7:00, depending upon when I awake/finish cooking (if this morning was any incidication, it will be too damn early, whenever it is.) Suggestions for an appropriate breakfast, a different breakfast? Also, I'm open to feedback on both diet and training; rip me apart here :)

_-_v_-_
10-28-2004, 09:21 PM
The strangest thing happened to me today.

It was as if my history were recapitulating itself -- as if, somehow, all the attempts I'm currently making to undo all the things I've done, all the effort I'm devoting to righting all my wrongs, all the struggles and the strains; everything, in short, that constitutes my recovery, if indeed it can even be called such; as if all of this were somehow unwinding time itself, unspooling my history here before my eyes, unfolding before me in a painful panoply of the past, a tableau of vast regret...

Today my years here flashed before my eyes -- my mistake, writ as faces...

I saw, and spoke to, a girl with whom I'd had a brief and tentative friendship in my first quarter here. I saw acquaintances from my first year classes; I saw all the friends I'd let lapse, and, more importantly, all the friends I'd never made. To have placed more value on food than friendship, on calories than companionship...god, what a fool I was, what a fool I've been.

But don't mistake me; the day wasn't bad, per se. It was busy, yes; it was stressful, yes; but it was also very good. I accomplished more than I have in ages; I feel more normal than I have in years.

Case in point: I emailed her. Hopefully we can get together this weekend; god knows I need to get the hell out of my apartment.

_-_v_-_
10-28-2004, 10:38 PM
Note: Short-term bets/goals with ectx have been posted. This means, of course, that I need to get my ass in gear -- because we start tomorrow.

_-_v_-_
10-29-2004, 08:28 AM
Day Four:

Bets/Goals:

Long Term: 87 Days Remaining

1) Weigh 130 lbs.
2) Bench 185 lbs; deadlift 275 lbs; weighted chin + 65lbs.

Short Term:

1) Eat +2500 calories from Fri-Sun; eat 3000+cal/day for one week subsequent to this. Furthermore, you won't see any fat gain from this intake. These two points comprise the bet.
2) Eat something I like in-between "timed meals" each day, if even as something as simple as a piece of fruit.
3) Don't weigh myself for two weeks.

Medium Term:

1) If I start eating better, I'll start sleeping better.

Sleep:
Total: 5.5 hours
Quality: I awoke at 4:00 and dozed; I'm still experiencing that damn early-onset awakening.

Tasks:

1) Work on Genetics Midterm.
2) Complete Letter of Reference Mailing Requests.
3) Talk to A (Girl 2).
4) Read Material for Focus Group
5) Buy tomatoes.
6) Work on Demography Problem Set
7) Work on Immunology Midterm

Activity level and Training: Chest/Triceps

BB Bench: 45 X 12; 95 X 8; 115 X 4; 135 X 5;145 X 3; 155 X 1;135 X 3 + 2 post-failure

DB Incline Press: 50 X 7; 50 X 5

Weighted Dips: +25 X 5; +25 X 5; +25 X 3

DB Flies: 27.5 X 4 + 3 fly-presses; 25 X 4 + 4 fly-presses

Cable Crossovers: 50 X 6

EZ-Curl Skullcrushers, close-grip BP superset: (EZ-Bar+30) X 5 + 4 CGBP; +30 X 4 + 4 CGBP; +30 X 4 + 3 CGBP

Overhead Cable Tricep Extensions: 75 X 7; 75 X 6

Note: I would have signified whether the tricep lifts constituted increases or decreases, but I don't have a record of my previous such session.

Also note: My bench. Kicks ass.

Walking around Campus, with a Backpack: 75 minutes.

Diet

Meal One: 7:00 AM: 480-520cal?: 70c/33p/9f (11g fiber)
64g oats: 250 cal
100g apple: 50cal
1 omega-3 egg: 70cal
3/4 cup egg beaters, vegetables: 100 cal
Some honey (tablespoon? Didn't measure.) ~ 40-60 cal?

Note: I find that cooked oats are uncomfortably filling. I may look for some other breakfast options, I think. Any ideas?

Meal Two: 9:30-10:30 AM: Intra/Post-workout: 300cal:50c/25p/0f
25 g protein.
50 g dextrose.

Meal Three: 11:30 AM:: 350cal: 31c/32p/11f (6g fiber)
Two slices Ezekiel Sprouted Wheat Bread
Spinach/Tomatoes
3 oz tuna
4 Fish Oil Capsules
7 Almonds

Snack: 1:45 PM: 170cal; 26c/10p/3f (3g fiber)
Sesame Raisin Luna Bar

Meal Four: 3:15 PM 300 Cals; 30c/31p/6f
78g Sprouted Wheat Bread
3 oz tuna
3 FOC

Meal Five: 6:15 PM: : 400 cals; 47c/28p/8f
12 g almonds
1/3 cup (measured uncooked) brown rice
vegetables
110 g (measured uncooked) cod

Meal Six: 9:30 PM: 350 cal; 30c/26p/8f
30 g oatmeal
50 g applesauce
1/2 cup egg beaters
15 g soy protein powder
1 tbsp soy nut butter

Thoughts and Requests:

_-_v_-_
10-29-2004, 12:46 PM
Note: Workout has been posted.