Advice needed

[muscle chic]

Ok, My husband and I both smoked many years ago. I can't stand the smell of it now and my husband says the same thing. So anyway he comes home from work today and gives me my birthday presents and I went to give him a kiss and he kinda backed up. So wondering if he had been drinking ( because of previous drinking issues) I asked him what was up and he just brushed it off. I finally just smelled his breath and there it was, smoke, Yuck!! He doesn't smoke so why is he smoking? He said he bought a pack of cigars a few months ago when he was stressed. I do remember that because he smelled like smoke then too but we had disscussed it and he said he wouldn't do it again. It makes me wonder what else I don't know. Anyway I got a bit pissed and we ended up not going out to dinner. Am I over reacting? I just want him to be healthy!!

[Brawl]

Smoking is vile ... he was certainly hiding something wasnt he ?

C'mon over my crib sweetie ... I'll make it all better .

[briancurran01]

you cant force other people to be heathy they have to want it for themselves

[muscle chic]

Smoking is vile ... he was certainly hiding something wasnt he ?

C'mon over my crib sweetie ... I'll make it all better .

Thanks for the laugh!!

[muscle chic]

you cant force other people to be heathy they have to want it for themselves

Yeah, but it's more than that. I mean he's my husband and he shouldn't hide things from me. I understand there are some things couples keep from each other but smoking? I don't know. It just sucks sometimes!!

[MrWebb78]

its very common for quitters to start smoking again. i dont think youre overreacting, but try to look at it a bit more objectively before just getting mad.

[getfit]

Yeah, but it's more than that. I mean he's my husband and he shouldn't hide things from me. I understand there are some things couples keep from each other but smoking? I don't know. It just sucks sometimes!!
i'm with ya on that MC i don't think he should have hide the fact that maybe he had a smoke i'm sure if he said it to you openely "ya hun i had a smoke today" it would have been better IMO:)

[muscle chic]

its very common for quitters to start smoking again. i dont think youre overreacting, but try to look at it a bit more objectively before just getting mad.

Understandable, but It makes me wonder if he's drinking again. The only time he ever smoked was when he drank. I don't mean now and then either. He had a serious drinking problem!! Every day for about ten years. I mean nippers in his truck and the whole nine yards. He would never tell me if he has become addicted again because I almost left him for it years ago. I don't know it just really makes me wonder.

[muscle chic]

i'm with ya on that MC i don't think he should have hide the fact that maybe he had a smoke i'm sure if he said it to you openely "ya hun i had a smoke today" it would have been better IMO:)

Yeah, the truth would have been nice. He doesn't want to argue so he just lies. I guess it's a white lie but it's still a lie. It's just so strange because he doesn't smoke?

[getfit]

Yeah, the truth would have been nice. He doesn't want to argue so he just lies. I guess it's a white lie but it's still a lie. It's just so strange because he doesn't smoke?
I'M SORRY TO HEAR THAT MC! i had problems like that with a partner before i rather have it straight in my face then hiding things from me or lying

[muscle chic]

I'M SORRY TO HEAR THAT MC! i had problems like that with a partner before i rather have it straight in my face then hiding things from me or lying

Yup, it's the whole trust thing!! I'd rather know, bad or good, things can usually be worked through.

[Anthony]

Maybe he'd be more likely to tell you if he knew you'd be understanding and supportive instead of pissed off (and cancelling dinner). You should also be talking to him about this instead of us. :)

[RickTheDestroyer]

MC, he's probably embarrassed about the smoking. I would not jump to the conclusion that he's drinking again, but it wouldn't hurt to keep your eyes open for signs of it. If you've dealt with people with alcoholism before then you know what to look for.
My mother was quite thoroughly addicted to cigarettes when she was younger. She has also since quit, but if she's really stressed out, she'll go buy a pack, smoke 2 or 3 cigarettes, and then throw the pack away. Happens maybe once or twice a year.
I think that if he's really just smoking a cigar when he's stressed, although it may not be the healthiest choice, it's certainly better than drinking, or many other more destructive outlets for stress.
I say believe that he smokes on rare occasion when he's really stressed, and leave it at that. It would not be a bad idea to be wary, but I certainly wouldn't start snooping to try and dig something up.

[RickTheDestroyer]

Oh yeah, and :birthday: :thumbup:

[MrWebb78]

Maybe he'd be more likely to tell you if he knew you'd be understanding and supportive instead of pissed off (and cancelling dinner). )


awesome advice. this should go for everyone.

[Frozenmoses]

Just approach him in a supporting way. I used to lie to my ex-girlfriend about my smoking because she would go ape**** berserk if she knew I had smoked. Most of the time, the reason I was smoking because she stressed me the **** out. If he thinks you're going to get pissed and fly off the handle at him, he's much more likely to hide the fact that he's smoking instead of approaching you for help and comfort.

[Maki Riddington]

Ok, My husband and I both smoked many years ago. I can't stand the smell of it now and my husband says the same thing. So anyway he comes home from work today and gives me my birthday presents and I went to give him a kiss and he kinda backed up. So wondering if he had been drinking ( because of previous drinking issues) I asked him what was up and he just brushed it off. I finally just smelled his breath and there it was, smoke, Yuck!! He doesn't smoke so why is he smoking? He said he bought a pack of cigars a few months ago when he was stressed. I do remember that because he smelled like smoke then too but we had disscussed it and he said he wouldn't do it again. It makes me wonder what else I don't know. Anyway I got a bit pissed and we ended up not going out to dinner. Am I over reacting? I just want him to be healthy!!

I think you just care about the well being of your husband. There's nothing wrong with that. But if he has never ever given you an excuse not to trust him, don't start now. That's just wrong and it's not fair for you to tell him that.

EDIT: I just realized that you said he had a previous drinking problem. I am not Dr Phil, disregard my advice.

[Brawl]

Anthony is now my therapist .

Musclechic , you should have said " honey ... you smoked didnt you ?" . Be cool and he'll probably tell you next time when he does .

I call it "Brawl's way of making people do things" . It does work . Every now and then my woman gets a little irritated at me going to the strip joint . I ALWAYS tell her if I'm going but every now and then I have to say stuff like " Dave isnt telling his woman we're going ok , so dont ever say anything . She isnt cool like you "

Bingo ... next time I get the prescribed response , " have fun sweetie " .

Be cool and understanding with it and he'll probably tell you next time . THEN ... pounce on him in his weakness .

[Frozenmoses]

Musclechic , you should have said " honey ... you smoked didnt you ?" . Be cool and he'll probably tell you next time when he does .

I wouldn't even approach him like that.

I personally would feel more capable of talking to my significant other if they said something like "Look, if you smoked, I understand. If you want to talk about it, I will be supportive of you and will try to help you out in any way I can."

But that's just me. I'm a sensitive little homo like that.

[mrelwooddowd]

anthony is right-on..he's hiding it because you give him too much crap, which is also somewhat understandable with the drinking thing..but..this, so far, isn't drinking; it's smoking..tell him you know he's smoking again, and ask him how he feels about it..tell him you don't like it, but it's his decision if he wants to do it..but since you quit too, he has to do it outside always..he'll probably be ashamed being outside alone after a while of that and taper it of again..a man will not tell a woman something if they know they're gonna catch all kinds of crap about it..people make mistakes, and habits are hard to break..you have to remember that..you also have to remember that smoking doesn't destroy families like alcohol can, and it shouldn't be treated like a demon..he knows he screwed up, but you have to approach him as his best friend, which you are, and not his mother, like you feel the need to..he'll respnd to his friend, and that's what you want..no adult listens to their mother anymore

i also see you keep saying "but he doesn't smoke"...if he tasted like cigarettes, he's smoking on some level..accept it..deal with it..treat it like it's back to a habit..don't make him feel lousy..let him figure that out on his own..he will..we men always eventually see that our women are usually right about stuff like this :)

you'll probably toss him a curve like he's never imagined from you

[Southern Beast]

C'mon over my crib sweetie ... I'll make it all better .

lol

[muscle chic]

Ok, I was over reacting!!! It probably is just stress on his part!! I didn't 'flip out" about it, I just told him that I was dissapointed. After that we just didn't talk. I was just feeling the need to vent last night.
Anthony: I don't usually air my dirty laundry, but this just had me a bit bothered last night. Sometimes it's nice to have others opinions to see another point of veiw. Instead of being pissed all night I figured I may be over reacting.

I'm dropping it!! Thanks for all of your opinions, I understand it from a "mans" point of view now.

[gino]

Hiding a guilty pleasure and risking getting busted is usually worth it, rather than being open about it and feeling steady(daily) grief from the wrath of a woman. I'll sneak a cigarette or chewing tobbacco every now and then just on occasions I'm stressed out and/or with buddies who are doing it. I "quit" smoking for my girlfriend (I never smoked heavily, a pack lasted me a week) who hated it, and quitting dipping was a decision I made on my own. I don't feel I need it, so I don't see anything wrong with having the occasional shot of tobbacco.

[-TIM-]

He's your husband so you should talk to him about it if it bothers you. I don't know that I would lose trust over something like smoking though. I mean, he did tell you that he bought the cigars. If he were smoking and said he wasn't when you asked, then it would be a flat out lie and maybe more of a reason to be concerned.