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Trying to figure this out
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- Apr 2002
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- Philadelphia
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This is HUMOR Folks - Politically Correct Christmas Party
I think this is hilarious! However, if anyone finds this offensive. . .
well that's just tough! Enjoy!
HAPPY HOLIDAYS!
Corporate Memos on Christmas Party
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 1
RE: Christmas Party
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take
place on December 23, starting at noon in the private function room at
the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of Oupa's
mampoer! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing
along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa
Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00pm. Exchange of gifts among
employees can be done at that time, however, no gift should be over
$10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This
gathering is only for employees! A special announcement will be made
by our CEO at that time!
Merry Christmas to you and your family.
Patty
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 2
RE: Holiday Party
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish
employees.
We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday which often
coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now
on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any
other employees who are not Christians or those still celebrating
Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree present. No
Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your
enjoyment.
Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you and your family.
Patty
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 3
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous
requesting a non-drinking table ... you didn't sign your name. I'm
happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads
"AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to
handle this?
Somebody?
Forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts exchange are allowed since
the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and executives
believe $10.00 is very little for a gift. NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 7
RE: Holiday Party
What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the
Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during
daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how
a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim
employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal
until the end of the party - or else package everything for you to take it
home in little foil "doggy bags". Will that work?
Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit
farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest
to the restrooms.
Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit
with Gay men - each will have their own table. Yes, there will be a
flower arrangement for the Gay men's table. To the person asking
permission to cross dress, no cross dressing allowed though.
We will have booster seats for short people. Low-fat food will be
available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the
food - we suggest for those people with high blood pressure to taste
first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, but the
restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry!
Did I miss anything?!?!?
Patty
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 8
RE: Holiday Party
So December 22 marks the Summer Solstice...what do you expect me to
do- a tap-dance on your heads? Fire regulations at the Grill House
prohibit the burning of sage by our "earth-based Goddess-worshiping" employees,
but we'll try to accommodate your shamanic drumming circle during the
band's breaks.
Okay???
Patty
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 9
RE: Holiday Party
People, people, nothing sinister was intended by having our CEO dress
up like Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be
"Satan," There is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red
suit." It's a tradition, folks, like broken hearts on Valentine's Day.
Could we lighten up? Please?????????
Also the company has changed its mind in making a special announcement
at the gathering. You will get a notification by e-mail and in your
pay slip after we have discussed it with the Unions.
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All #%&$ing Employees
DATE: December 10
RE: The %#*&^%@*%^ Holiday Party
I have no #%&*ing idea what the announcement is all about. What the
#&^!@ do I care??? . I KNOW WHAT I AM GOING TO GET!!!!!!!!!!!!
You change your e-mail address now and you're dead!!!!!!!!!!!! No more
changes of address will be allowed in my office. Try to come in and
change your address, and I will have you hung from the ceiling in the
warehouse!!!!!!!!!!!
Vegetarians!?!?!? I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep
this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can
sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so
quaintly put it, and you'll get your #$%^&*! salad bar, including
hydroponic tomatoes. But you know, they have feelings, too. Tomatoes
scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them
scream right now!
HA!
I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die, you hear
me!?!?!?!?!?!?!!!!!
The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!!
FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: December 14
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy
recovery from her stress-related illness and I'll continue to forward your
cards to her at the sanitarium. In the meantime, management has decided to
cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd
off with full pay.Last edited by JohnCollins; 12-23-2002 at 08:17 AM.
"Only two things are infinite; the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the universe." --Albert Einstein
Had a good workout on my liver yesterday. Did a pretty high number of reps, but not to complete failure. Liver DOMS today is kinda bad...it has even reached my head!
-- ElPietro
"If I ever found a chick who smelled like gun powder and spent cartridges, I'd run to a jewelry store, rob it, and propose to her with a sack of diamonds. " --Budiak
"I dance like a drunken white boy. I'm really screwed since I quit drinking." -- PowerManDL
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Banned
- Join Date
- Sep 2001
- Location
- south west Holland Europe
- Posts
- 8,844
haha lol
great illustration of the madness of our time
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Meathead Philosopher
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- Jan 2001
- Location
- Michigan
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- 6,793
That was beautiful...
May you be in heaven an hour before the devil knows you're dead.
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Way below radar
- Join Date
- Jun 2001
- Location
- Somewhere between cognitive dissonance and the egocentric dilemma
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- 4,375
LOL! I think it worked out fine in the end...I'd rather have a day/afternoon off than go to a holiday party with the same people I have to see every day/all week anyways! Let's face it...the people you work with are usually not your first choice in people you'd like to party with
I could give all to Time except - except
What I myself have held. But why declare
The things forbidden that while the Customs slept
I have crossed to Safety with? For I am There,
And what I would not part with I have kept.
--Robert Frost
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"Tuna Boy"
- Join Date
- Jan 2002
- Location
- Central, MA
- Posts
- 3,377
lol
"damn...can't beat logic like that.
NAte is exactly right." - Tryska
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I dunno Im a student + work pt time and go out quite a bit with work colleagues. They're groove-aroony! Might be different if i was ft though.Originally posted by IceRgrrl
LOL! Let's face it...the people you work with are usually not your first choice in people you'd like to party with
Hmmmhalf the time I have no idea what you're talking about. the other half, I'm not listening.
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Senior of Kinesiology
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- Oct 2001
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- Penn State
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- 1,900
hehehe! thats great!
Meet PR: 290lb bench press, 505lb dead lift @ 190lbs
Current Training: Yoga and Weightlifting
5'11'', Male, 175lbs, age 22
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Zeebo.
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- Dec 2002
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- Trussville, AL
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- 1,735
All the political correctness stems from hypersensitive liberals.
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Fighting Genetics
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- Aug 2002
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- The Sunshine State
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- 1,585
somewhere along my travels i heard "do your part for noise pollution, shut up a liberal" made me chuckle...
"Don't take life too serious, you'll never get out alive."-Van Wilder
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Zeebo.
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- Dec 2002
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- Trussville, AL
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Hah, I like that. Besides weight lifting, politics is a huge hobby I enjoy, and shooting down liberals with right-wing ammo is the best part!Originally posted by AdamGberg
somewhere along my travels i heard "do your part for noise pollution, shut up a liberal" made me chuckle...
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Equal Opportunity Offender
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- Feb 2001
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- The discard pile.
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I believe the noise pollution thing was in Orange's signature.
I like SouthernBeast
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Zeebo.
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- Dec 2002
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- Trussville, AL
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Originally posted by Budiak
I like SouthernBeast
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I love it!!
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Bodybuilding Mythbuster
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- Oct 2001
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- Yeongsan. South Korea
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Bumping this for the newbies. Besides it's that time of year again....
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Uggh. I was in Maine for work and it was like hippy hell up there. This girl comes up to me and asks how much my laptop brief case was. I said I didn't know, it was a gift. She said she was just wondering how much the life of an animal was to me. Thats when I pulled out my lucky rabbits foot key chain and jingled it for her and quoted my hero Clint Eastwood, "I've killed pretty much everything that has walked or crawled at one point."
Originally Posted by AdamGberg
Never shall innocent blood be shed, yet the blood of the wicked shall flow like a river. The Three shall spread their blackened wings and be the vengeful striking hammer of God.
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Banned
- Join Date
- Dec 2005
- Location
- Toronto, Ontario
- Posts
- 4,549
I saw Jon Stewart do stand up and he went on a rant about the conflicting times of religious dates.
"I think that we should celebrate the religion that is has the most significant story at any given time. Christmas? Ok, so it's the day of birth of your Lord Jesus Christ. Big deal. Hanukkah? Our oil lasted longer than we thought it would. But I mean come on, it was good value!"
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260(-40) from 193 from 275
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- Aug 2001
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- Oshawa-->Toronto
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Gold!
The Fitness Industry is a 1 billion dollar industry.
--Dairy Queens Blizzard pulls in 3/4 of a billion.
--------------We are the elite.------------
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Gamer/Lifter
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- Feb 2006
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- South Korea
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- 2,094
LMAO, I had a PETA freak once tell me eating at KFC promoted animal abuse. I looked at him, took a bite off my chicken and went "Do you truly believe I care?"Uggh. I was in Maine for work and it was like hippy hell up there. This girl comes up to me and asks how much my laptop brief case was. I said I didn't know, it was a gift. She said she was just wondering how much the life of an animal was to me. Thats when I pulled out my lucky rabbits foot key chain and jingled it for her and quoted my hero Clint Eastwood, "I've killed pretty much everything that has walked or crawled at one point.""It is the soldier, not the reporter who has given us the freedom of the press.
"It is the soldier, not the poet, who has given us the freedom of speech.
"It is the soldier, not the campus organizer, who gives us the freedom to demonstrate.
"It is the soldier who salutes the flag, who serves beneath the flag, and whose coffin is draped by the flag, who allows the protester to burn the flag."
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Read the Stickies!
- Join Date
- Jan 2006
- Location
- NORTHERN Virginia
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Damn liberals....
Haha, I love the 'drive drunk and die' part.
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Banned
- Join Date
- Jun 2006
- Location
- Cincinnati Ohio
- Posts
- 2,196
Lol! I kind of want one of those guys to start giving me **** just so I can use the line, "No matter how hard I try, I can't even begin to pretend that I give a **** about any of this." There's just something magical about those words to me. What the **** were you doing eating at KFC though? Originally Posted by Nik00117
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There's a place for all God's creatures in my house....
Right next to the mashed potatoes.
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