FFFA and Christmas Eating

[ElPietro]

Here is an essay out of the FFFA archives regarding diet and dinner party behaviour over the christmas holidays.


I hate this time of year. Not for its crass commercialism
and forced frivolity, but because it's the season when
the food police come out with their wagging fingers and
annual tips on how to get through the holidays without
gaining 10 pounds. You can't pick up a magazine
without finding a list of holiday eating do's and don'ts.
Eliminate second helpings, high-calorie sauces and
cookies made with butter, they say. Fill up on
vegetable sticks, they say. Good grief.
Is your favorite childhood memory
of Christmas a carrot stick? I didn't
think so. Isn't mine, either. A carrot was something you
left for Rudolph. I have my own list of tips for holiday
eating. I assure you, if you follow them, you'll be fat
and happy. So what if you don't make it to New
Year's? Your pants won't fit anymore, anyway.

1. About those carrot sticks. Avoid them. Anyone
who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows
nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see
carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where
they're serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly.
Like fine single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even
rarer than single-malt scotch. You can't find it any other
time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it
has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're
going to turn into an egg-nogaholic or something. It's
a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's
later than you think. It's Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the
whole point of gravy. Pour it on. Make a volcano out
of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the
volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're
made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass.
Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an
automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in
an effort to control your eating. The whole point of
going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's
food for free. Lots of it. Hello? Remember college?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise
between now and New Year's. You can do that in
January when you have nothing else to do. This is the
time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the
buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food
and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a
buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the
shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them
and don't budge. Have as many as you can before
becoming the center of attention. They're like a
beautiful pair of shoes. You can't leave them behind.
You're not going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat.
Have a slice of each. Or, if you don't like mincemeat,
have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have
three. When else do you get to have more than
one dessert? Labour Day?


9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's
loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but
avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards, mate.


10. And one final tip: If you don't feel terrible when
you leave the party or get up from the table, you
haven't been paying attention.

Reread tips. Start over. But hurry! Cookieless
January is just around the corner.

[Gyno Rhino]

*rofl* That's classic.

[Superwoman]

Anyone for some rum and eggnog??????

[ElPietro]

Does it come with sex in the back of your store?

I remember you saying that is one of your fun things you like to do.

[Superwoman]

Ill serve the eggnog where ever, how ever u like

[ElPietro]

*brain starts to fry from an overload of dirty thoughts*

[Superwoman]

ElP...ur brain would melt if it were a reality

[ElPietro]

Nah it would just shut down as all the blood would leave my brain and go into another part of my body...

[Superwoman]

What is wrong with that????

[ElPietro]

Will you marry me?

[Superwoman]