Who I am.

[Hatred]

This is not a workout journal. This is a journal of perspectives, whether it be introspective or otherwise. My thoughts swimming around in my head need a vent and need to serve a purpose.

TO those of you who read:
Let this be an inspirational tool. If it helps one of you realize who you are and what you want then it's purpose served. I ****ing know drive, determintation and hunger. Hopefully you will know it too.
I give you "Lost", the inspiration for this journal.

"Lost"
I've been told that I have lost eyes. To look into them is to see that there is a lot going on. There always is. I am always thinking about my next session,lagging parts, or a missed meal.
To some degree I am lost. Perhaps that's why I am a bodybuilder. It is the one area I can can control. Day after day I wake up and put on a costume to come to the place that funds my life. I put on a shirt and tie, and come to a place to deal with people that don't understand what I am.

The look in my eyes is the look of my soul clawing at the back of my eyes trying to escape the reality I am bound to.
Lost? ****, I'm not lost. I'm going a different direction than you, yeah. Where are you going? ~Hatred

[midee1]

This looks to be an interesting read. I look forward to following it.

[KevinStarke]

Should be interesting.

[M.J.H.]

I'm definitely going to be keeping up with this journal!

[Hatred]

"Good Luck?"
Canned responses will result in flamings all around.

[Hatred]

At this point I wish I was a mod of this forum as I would lock this thread and unlock it only for brief portions of time.
And I would be able to keep a bunch of crap out. <hint>

[Hatred]

Well, How about that?

[Hatred]

You know the feeling; the feeling that you aren't going to be here forever. No matter where you are whether it be vacation,business, etc, you know what it feels like to be in a location temporarily.
In the back of your mind you know that you will be going home soon. You will see the familiar faces you take for granted everyday and walk into your familiar home that smells just like you remember, with your shoes at the door and your damned lunchbox where you left it.
This is something you feel when you are away from your HOME. If you don't feel this then something is wrong in your life as home is a safe haven, a sacred spot where security, comfort, and happiness fill your lungs when you walk through the door.

I arrived in California on Sept 18th 2004. I drove from St petersburg, Florida to Sacramento, California in exactly 40 hrs and 3000 miles. I exited my car to refuel and that was it. I had a deadline and accomplished this completely sober save gallons of coffee and the stimulating effects of 40 degree air blasting through the window to keep me awake.
The first time I set foot on California earth was when I got out my car to go into the hotel I was staying in that night.

When everyone asks me why I moved out here I give them this response:
"I was given an offer I could not pass up, I didn't want to move but I also didn't want to live the rest of my life wondering: What would have happened if I took the chance. SO I am giving it a shot.
This is what is going on in my head every time I mention it to someone that probably doesn't give a **** anyhow:
I remember stepping out my car. As soon as my foot touched the ground I remember the thought: "What have I done?" going though my head. I knew right then and there that I wasn't going to be here long. What I had done was absolutely DONE> there was no return trip of 8 hrs. I am on the other end of a continent. Everything I'd ever known was thousands of miles away.

Everything I touched in California was doomed from the beginning. My job, my relationship, everything.
I've been here a yr and 3 months. I lost a year of my life by being a visitor.
In my happiest moments the sadness of missing Home corrupted my thoughts , emotions and attitude.
I was holding on so tight to my past, my memories and my friends that I was never assimilated. The clearest indicator I have of this is referring to my fellow Californians as "You guys"...at work,parties, I refused to accept where I was. I spent a year of my life. Paycheck to paycheck looking to the future of moving back home.

Since starting to work at the nightclub I have met literally hundreds of very cool people. I have people calling me to go out and do things.
In this past year here I have made and lost 1 friend outside of work. (Budiak you know who I speak of.) and have been slapped in the soul with a real eye opener.
I value and cherish my friends on this site like no other I have ever had.
Then it hit me. It's because I have been here and have held on to all of you for 3 yrs. My "Life without regrets" and quest for adventure and chance taking has left me with no real close friends...and regrets after all. I wouldn't change anything though.

Rock, if you are reading this take notes.
No matter where you are you have to make the most of it and invest your time in people.
Not doing this will leave you a cold,bitter, hateful, negative shell of a person.
Maybe some of you will kind of get why my name is what it is now.

I would love to wrap this up by saying I've got it all handled and I'm happy where I am.
That would be a lie.
Home still beckons strongly in every waking moment. Now when I leave this place I will have formed hundreds of bonds that I have to break and will be missing out on the lives of a lot of people that I care about.

If you don't live where you are, when you are. you might as well be dead because you sure as hell aren't living.

Every day is a gift and an opportunity to better yourself. Every single person you meet is a product of events in their lives, from being raised by parents and holding their values to dealing with tragedies. I used to think all people were the damn same. I am guilty of thinking that all women were the same and never realized that I caused the ones in my life to be that way. Every single soul on this planet is different and the more you appreciate that the more interesting relationships with human beings will be.

My attitude has been the cause of far too may obstacles in my life and it is a hard pill to swallow knowing that I created them.


TO Shasta:
Yes I have learned quite a few things from our relationship. It wasn't a waste.
I have learned a lot about myself.



TO everyone else still with me...;
My point is this:
Intentionally distancing yourself from peple, and refusing to let yourself be happy is a choice. I wish like hell I was content where I was at. I want my pain and longing to subside.

When I leave I'll be leaving Budiak,and now Shasta, the best ****ing friends I've Ever had and the guys I consider Brothers at my night job, as silly as it sounds, we're that close.
New pain.
My fear is that I move home, things will be fantastic at first, then, I will begin to wonder about the lives I touched out here..and begin to hurt for this place too.


Be true to yourself in all things. WHen it comes down to a decision and there is no turmoil in your heart you are doing the right thing.
Basic truth known only to yourself.
I'm still waiting for my turmoil to subside.

[Stumprrp]

I applaude you for this journal and your last post, its fantastic that you want to share your thoughts with us, and it makes me feel good to read such indepth information. It takes alot to move from home but there obviously will be positives and negitives in the way. Im looking forward to reading the next entry.

[Hatred]

The funny thing is, Florida isn't "Home" so to speak.
I am from Ohio and I got the hell out when I was 20 and never looked back.
I sang all the way to tennessee when i moved there. I cried when I left as it was good to me, I wanted more though and expected it. Leaving Florida is one of the most painful things I have ever done to myself. I was devastated and still am. There will never be anything for me back in Ohio. FLorida was paradise every single day and the cool part is I was conscious of it. All the time. Every sunset,sunrise, thunderstorm....not so much with the hurricanes but you get the idea.

I've said it before; My bodybuilding lifestyle and this site and the people in it have been my constant, my anchor. That's why I freaked so bad when it crashed back in 04...then I made myself feel better by having everyone blame Budiak.
He blocked me for a year on AIM.
Now I live with him. Damn, I'm so friggin lovable and loves me a challenge!!

GET THINGS DONE!!!

[galileo]

Kill this bitch.

[Stumprrp]

i hear you dude, good for you man.

[Hatred]

Way to leave another pile of **** in the journal of the chaotic landscape that is my mind you 180lb douchebag.

[mrelwooddowd]

Don't you find it ironic, though, that in order to interact with the people in your "anchor," you had to go back to ****ing Ohio?

What is life trying to tell us sometimes????

[Hatred]

A girl that I was attempting to see for a bit at work just moved and found all of her old raver day Cd's...

She gave me 50+..
I am actually listening to an old school Happy Hardcore set as I type this. It's off the hizzy and if there comes a series of gibberish in (i.e. U%^O*&^) the near futurte then my heart exploded. This is a very real possibility, too. lol.
Remember to blame the Happy Hardcore and not my "abuse" of steroids.

[galileo]

Way to leave another pile of **** in the journal of the chaotic landscape that is my mind you 180lb douchebag.

Me?

[Hatred]

Yes you. I was just giving you **** for the thoroughly useless and inaccurate post.

Elwood; Don't think that irony hasn't plagued me.

[galileo]

Yes you. I was just giving you **** for the thoroughly useless and inaccurate post.

It may have been useless, but it wasn't inaccurate. It was the best reference to the ASC that I could throw out on short notice.

I'm going to start taking heavy amounts of t3, so I can be a 140lb douchebag. 180 almost sounds like I lift weights.

[Hatred]

Correct: "I'm gonna kill this bitch!"
Yours was inaccurate, making it wrong.

[PowerManDL]

Florida is indeed paradise.

I'm heading to the beach right now to dirnk beer with the spring breakers.

Eat that, fat man!

[galileo]

Correct: "I'm gonna kill this bitch!"
Yours was inaccurate, making it wrong.

You're right, but I was giving you instructions, not saying I'm going to kill it. Pssssh.

[drew]

I have the opposite but same problem. I want to leave, but everythig I have is here. I want to leave everyone and everything, but I can't. I feel like a shell of a person now, but if I leave I think there will be no shell, and nothing else.

Just keep doing what you do. You'll find your place eventually.

[mrelwooddowd]

I have the opposite but same problem. I want to leave, but everythig I have is here. I want to leave everyone and everything, but I can't. I feel like a shell of a person now, but if I leave I think there will be no shell, and nothing else.

Just keep doing what you do. You'll find your place eventually.

After having driven through your state, I can say...

Just go. It sucks ass there.

[MixmasterNash]

I'm heading to the beach right now to dirnk beer with the spring breakers.

Don't ruin and devirginate them all before they come back here.

[Clifford Gillmore]

This wouldn't be slightly inspired by Animalpak? Either way, your refreshing perspective is motivational!