Overcoming Jealousy & Possessiveness

[accuFLEX]

Now, this is a title of a book, but, what are some really good books dealing with this subject matter? Im having major porblems....I need to read a book

[TwiloMike]

What triggers the symptoms you seek to purge?

[sharkall2003]

Lets ask the more important question of what is making you jealous, or what are you jealous of? If you are jealous it's because you feel that something you have, or you are personally (as in psychologically) threatened in some way.

[Thexile]

Possessiveness was a big problem for me in kindergarten. I got a 'U' in the sharing dept. .

Needless to say I'm still possessive. How bad is your jealousy? Are you like the kind of person who sees someone who has something you like and you like hate them for having it?

[Skinny_DiezeL]

If you are jealous it's because you feel that something you have, or you are personally (as in psychologically) threatened in some way.

I usually deal with that a lot. Jobs, relationships, personal property. I get really protective and defensive, usually end up butting heads and fighting verbally. lol, maybe not during the subject at hand, but I'll find something to take it out on later. messed up a couple of relationships in the past, and screwed up a couple of chances at future relationships, cause, well, word gets around. lol. Lol, would there be any kind of diagnosis for it? prescriptions, etc?

[TwiloMike]

I'm quite possessive but I'm not the jealous type. I am assuming that the OP was about relationships with significant others, and in that sense I control my possessiveness until there is an explicit agreement to justify that feeling. Jealousy... I don't seem to be too prone to it. I think it's a personality thing as much as it is a rationale thing.

[accuFLEX]

I am assuming that the OP was about relationships with significant others....

Yea, with my gf. She's a party girl somewhat and I have a problem with her dancing with other guys and what not.

I know, i know...get over it, she can do what she wants bla bla bla.....but its like telling a smoker to just stop smoking and saying its bad for them. I CANT get it out of my mind. Im trying, but I need help. Thats why im looking for a book to read

We have been going out a year and a half and im really thinking of ending it, because of a combination of a lack of trust, jealousy and possessiveness. In that order. I have no reason to not trust her though....she's a really sweet girl.

[TwiloMike]

Yea, with my gf. She's a party girl somewhat and I have a problem with her dancing with other guys and what not.

... snip smoker analogy...

We have been going out a year and a half and im really thinking of ending it, because of a combination of a lack of trust, jealousy and possessiveness. In that order. I have no reason to not trust her though....she's a really sweet girl.

So why do you distrust her? Are you projecting your own shortcomings onto her and reacting to that? I don't see how a book can convince you to trust your mate. Either the trust is there or it isn't, and that depends on the two people involved and their dynamic, histories, etc. No book can fix that, imo.

[d'Anconia]

Nah I think there are books that can definitely help with the underlying issues ie self-esteem and respect for others (assuming those ARE the underlying issues).

I was just about as jealous as the average guy back in the day but there were a few things that helped me out:
1.) Self-esteem. I think once you really get this up then you'll realize that you really aren't threatened. This is a self-fulfilling prophecy anyway since girls can smell jealousy from a mile away. After years of seeing it, I can spot it like a hawk also. I just think when you're jealous it also makes you look like an idiot and is VERY hard to hide.
2.) Golden rule. So your girl dances with other guys? Regardless of what she does, wouldn't you like her to let you be able to dance with other girls if you're not really looking to threaten the relationship? I'm not asking "would you rather you both be able to dance with other people or not at all?", I'm asking "would you, yourself, like to be given permission to dance with whomever you like if it's not threatening the relationship?". I think everybody loves some harmless freedom so if you would like that freedom then why shouldn't she be able to have it also.
3.) She's a human being, not possession (I guess it might be hard to snap someone out of this if they really are possessive to the point where it's a problem). She has feelings and just wants to be able to have fun in her life without some "master" telling her what she can and can not do. Same thing goes for you, wouldn't you like to be able to do what you want if it's all in good fun? For a boyfriend to try to control his girlfriend by telling her what she can and can not do, he's basically saying a.) I'm SCARED you'll do something else, b.) you are NOT entitled to the same freedoms as me, and c.) in the relationship she will NOT be able to have as much fun as possible.
To be honest at this point I don't even like it when people are derogatory toward the female gender. In America, for the most part, females OWN the males.

Don't ever forget the first one... if you just get over it then usually the chick will start being more attracted to you (assuming it's not too late). If they sense that you don't feel threatened then, well, they believe you.

I have a girl who I've been dating on and off for a couple months and she was in New York for a while and I was basically telling her that she could do what she wants or whatever makes her happy. She knew I didn't feel threatened and now it's to the point where she likes me so much it's annoying and I'm going to have to drop her.

[ShockBoxer]

I'd end it, then. I'm not particularly jealous or possessive - my girlfriend can do what she wants and I don't waste any time wondering what that is - but if she was partying and dancing with other guys (assuming. of course, they're not family or mutual friends) I'd dump her. Why? Because I don't party or dance with other girls and I expect the same and she knows it.

If your girl knows how you feel and does it anyways then it doesn't matter how sweet she is. She doesn't respect your feelings on it. If she doesn't know then you have to tell her.

[accuFLEX]

I distrust her because im just not a trusting person.

IMO a book can help alot. I want to learn the psyc. behind it all.

[d'Anconia]

Check out High Status Male by Michael Pilinski (the one I've recommended a million times). I believe it deals with the subject pretty well.

I'd hate to say it but I just don't see how it could be an issue with anything BUT self-esteem. An insecure man will get jealous because he is worried of what will happen if his girlfriend dances with other guys. A self-respecting man won't feel threatened and in fact will jump out on the dancefloor with some other fine lady.

At this point I feel like I'm one of maybe 3 guys on this board who actually likes to dance.

[accuFLEX]

Check out High Status Male by Michael Pilinski (the one I've recommended a million times). I believe it deals with the subject pretty well.

Where can you get that? Is it only online?

[accuFLEX]

I might pick this one up now
http://www.chapters.indigo.ca/books/item/books-978041592010/0415920108/Romantic+Jealousy?ref=Search+Books%3a+'Jealousy'%3aHealth+and+Well+Being

[McIrish]

Check out High Status Male by Michael Pilinski (the one I've recommended a million times). I believe it deals with the subject pretty well.

I'd hate to say it but I just don't see how it could be an issue with anything BUT self-esteem. An insecure man will get jealous because he is worried of what will happen if his girlfriend dances with other guys. A self-respecting man won't feel threatened and in fact will jump out on the dancefloor with some other fine lady.

At this point I feel like I'm one of maybe 3 guys on this board who actually likes to dance.

Make that one of four guys Self confidence = grinding on hot girls at clubs.

And I'm completely with D'Anconia on this one - my dime-store psychological assessment says that you are suffering from a mild (and entirely fixable!) case of insecurity. However, there's a bit of a caveat. No book can fix it. There is no easy fix for insecurity - I was a fat kid growing up and got made fun of, yadda yadda. The kicker was that even after I thinned out in high school, I didn't keep a ton of girlfriends because I was clingy and possessive (ringing any bells here?). Once I finally realized that I was an attractive, intelligent, funny guy who women would like to be around (and I started FINALLY acting like I knew that and nothing could convince me otherwise), they finally started coming my way. Do whatever it takes to make you more confident in yourself - go lift some more, learn to play guitar, whatever. Whatever you do, realize that she wants to be with you (otherwise she wouldn't be there, get it?) and let her free... the less you hold on, the tighter she'll want you to hold on. Women are weird like that, I guess.

[VikingWarlord]

Here's a realization I've made on the subject.

Jealousy and possessiveness stem from insecurity. If she has to go to someone else, it's because she's not getting what she needs from you. As long as you're behaving the way you feel is right, doing what you feel you need to do in the relationship and she has to go somewhere else to get what she thinks she needs, her demands are unreasonable. Find a woman that can appreciate you and what you do instead of always wanting more. You should never have to change your personality or behavioral patterns for another person. Those types of relationships will always fail. People are so determined to find "the one" that they'll throw their entire lives into upheaval just because they've convinced themselves of the necessity of finding that "other half"...and will often subconsciously settle.

It goes the other way also. If she wants to go out and party, she shouldn't have to change for you. If she does go somewhere else, screw it, she wasn't the right one in the first place. If you've laid your game correctly, she doesn't need to go anywhere else and you're safe.

Yes, you do need to work on letting go of things like possessiveness...but reading a book really isn't going to help you with anything. A lot of self-help books are just watered-down dime-store Taoist/Zennist philosophy. It's something you have to do for yourself. If you really want to read something that's more likely to change your outlook, read the Tao Te Ching. Self psychoanalysis won't do anything but piss you off.

Personally, I don't **** around with party girls anymore. Most of them don't have a hell of a lot to offer other than ass, and most of the time it's not even quality ass.

[SpecialK]

Make that one of four guys Self confidence = grinding on hot girls at clubs.

And I'm completely with D'Anconia on this one - my dime-store psychological assessment says that you are suffering from a mild (and entirely fixable!) case of insecurity. However, there's a bit of a caveat. No book can fix it. There is no easy fix for insecurity - I was a fat kid growing up and got made fun of, yadda yadda. The kicker was that even after I thinned out in high school, I didn't keep a ton of girlfriends because I was clingy and possessive (ringing any bells here?). Once I finally realized that I was an attractive, intelligent, funny guy who women would like to be around (and I started FINALLY acting like I knew that and nothing could convince me otherwise), they finally started coming my way. Do whatever it takes to make you more confident in yourself - go lift some more, learn to play guitar, whatever. Whatever you do, realize that she wants to be with you (otherwise she wouldn't be there, get it?) and let her free... the less you hold on, the tighter she'll want you to hold on. Women are weird like that, I guess.

The bolded bit still sounds like some unfounded belief one must "convince" themselves of. It's easy to act confident when you are close to the best at something, because your belief is founded in something. I'm sure pro athletes and rock stars have no problems with confidence, because they are the best at what they do and they know it.

To me, confidence seems like a feeling of well being derived from knowing you are better than the other guys out there at X, and therefore are more likely to attract women. If you don't really have the good looks, sense of humor, intelligence, money, etc. to back up your confidence, it seems like you are just trying to convince yourself you are better than you really are.

On the other hand, statistically speaking, most guys are not the best at everything, or even one thing. Hmmmm, how to reconcile this...

[Nosaj]

Confidence is a habit that can be developed by acting as if you already had the confidence you desire to have. I'm Rick James, b!tch!

[JaredG]

I understand where the OP is coming from. If my girlfriend was dancing with a bunch of different guys (and we all know they aren't going to be 2 steppin' it) I would be jealous/angry as well. It's not that I don't trust her, I just don't trust any other living male. Seriously, I'm trying to build a relationship with this woman and all they want to do is stick it in her for the night. Homey don't play that.

This is one of the main reasons that I work out.

[accuFLEX]

I’m not looking for some “act” to put on, I’ve been doing the “act” the entire 18 months. The “act” is just a blanket. You can tell yourself “hey im confident, all the girls will like me, who cares about what my gf does” But it doesn’t change a thing. I’m looking to change. Become less insecure and whatnot. I have no idea how, other then to read a book dealing with the subject matter.

[sCaRz*Of*PaiN]

To me, confidence seems like a feeling of well being derived from knowing you are better than the other guys out there at X, and therefore are more likely to attract women

That sounds more like pride than self-confidence.

[d'Anconia]

Well regardless of what we want to define self-esteem and confidence is, it's something everyone could use a little more of. I'm surprised we even have to discuss where jealousy and possessiveness (that a word?) come from.

I actually DO think that a book can help you get rid of your insecurities but you have to be willing to make changes in your life.

[1r15h]

Imo my girl can dance, chat, hug, go for lunch with as many girls or fellas as she likes. Yes i trust her, but I also know that deterring her from doing such things will cause her to possibly become bitter towards me forcing her the other way and maybe eventually ending it with me.

[Relentless]

You want book recommendations:

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/067...339019?ie=UTF8

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/074...e=UTF8&s=books

Read Viktor Frankl for the deeper thinking and basis for being able to CHOOSE your reaction. Read Stephen Covey for suggestions about how to implement this philosophy in your life.

Don't waste your time with specific books on jealousy and self esteem and crap like that -- you'll only be addressing symptoms, not causes.

[d'Anconia]

Is Covey the one that did "7 Habits of Highly Effective People"? Cuz I remember listening to the audiobook and hearing the narrator talk about the "step in between action and reaction" (or however you want to phrase it).