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Thread: I can't believe I'm doing this....

  1. #1
    permanently bulking Titanium_Jim's Avatar
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    I can't believe I'm doing this....

    but I have to make an emo thread.

    My fiancee, who has lived with me for four and a half years without any problems, in a surreal relationship (until we bought a house in Egypt - she can't drive) was contacted online by one of her exes who was not interested in a long term relationship and broke it off with her. Her words are that he broke her heart.

    So she talked to him online a few times, and on the phone once all while I was at work over the course of a couple weeks before she told me about it and how confused she was. After talking to me about it she said she had already made up her mind and was staying with me, but she continues to talk to him online and tells him she will call him. For all I know she called him today. She thinks this is all behind my back, but I can find the online messages. I have not gone in to see what she is doing online until she told me this business, because I felt I needed to know what was said.

    Tonight I think I am giving her an ultimatum. It is not fair to me to have to work, pay all the bills, and do everything that involves driving anywhere while she talks to this person she still has feelings for behind my back. It seems to me the best idea to tell her that she needs to break off all contact with him, or leave me and be with him, because it is not fair to me, as it affects how she feels about me.

    To give a little background, she is an EXTREMELY honest person, moral compass, right and wrong are black and white to her. She has never done anything behind my back before and has always told me about any advances, etc. Anyone have similar experiences or insight? I could use an unbiassed point of view.
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    Quote Originally Posted by Titanium_Jim View Post

    To give a little background, she is an EXTREMELY honest person, moral compass, right and wrong are black and white to her. She has never done anything behind my back before and has always told me about any advances, etc.

    Wrong. She is a woman.
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  3. #3
    WannabePLer fpr's Avatar
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    I thought this was going to be a thread about kids with tight jeans, handkerchiefs hanging out of their back pocket, and dyed black hair.

  4. #4
    Banned Tofer's Avatar
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    My sister is the kindest, sweetest and nicest girl you'll ever meet. She has been in a relationship for the past four and a half years. When she had to live abroad for six months, she cheated (he doesn't know and probably never will).

    Girls are pure evil, and can not be trusted.

  5. #5
    Wannabebig Member JohnnyBrown's Avatar
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    Well if she is going to stay with you then there is no need for her to talk to him anymore/at all.

    The right thing to do, assuming she does mean to stay with you, for her is to not talk to him, and for you to put it out clear before her that it IS wrong for her to be talking to him.

    Put that crap to a stop ASAP
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  6. #6
    Who is John Galt? CrazyK's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Tofer View Post
    My sister is the kindest, sweetest and nicest girl you'll ever meet. She has been in a relationship for the past four and a half years. When she had to live abroad for six months, she cheated (he doesn't know and probably never will).

    Girls are pure evil, and can not be trusted.
    Agreed. They can be the best thing in your life one day and your biggest mistake the next.
    "You shall invite to the path of your Lord with wisdom and kind enlightenment, and debate with them in the best possible manner. Your Lord knows best who has strayed from His path, and He knows best who are the guided ones."- Quran 16:25

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  7. #7
    still dislikes Art Atwood Hatred's Avatar
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    I'm going to go with Ultimatum. If she tells you what you want to hear and you find otherwise drop her ass for what she is.
    Out of the night that covers me,Black as the Pit from pole to pole,I thank whatever gods may be for my unconquerable soul. In The fell clutch of circumstance I have not winced nor cried aloud. Under the bludgeonings of chance my head is bloody, but unbowed. Beyond this place of wrath and tears looms but the horror of the shade And yet the menace of the years finds, and shall find, me unafraid. It matters not how strait the gate how charged with punishments the scroll,I am the master of my fate: I am the captain of my soul.
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  8. #8
    cakin Cirino83's Avatar
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    another vote for the ultimatum.

    also listen to Tofer, this mean speaks the truth.

  9. #9
    Paul killxswitch's Avatar
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    You've got it right. There's no good reason for her to continue to be in contact with this guy.

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    Breaker of Skulls Guido's Avatar
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    You can't trust anything that bleeds for 5 days straight and doesn't die.

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    and dont you guys love how girls are always blaming men and talking about how bad we are, BS!!

    to the OP - that would really piss me off, tell her to end it now.
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    kick her ass out

  13. #13
    Tap, Rack, Bacon ncsuLuke's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Tofer View Post
    My sister is the kindest, sweetest and nicest girl you'll ever meet. She has been in a relationship for the past four and a half years. When she had to live abroad for six months, she cheated (he doesn't know and probably never will).

    Girls are pure evil, and can not be trusted.
    no offense but that is just being a whore

    any girl/guy who cant hold out getting some action for a few months is a whore. if i really cared about someone and i had to be apart from them for an extended period of time i have no doubt that i could stay faithful. it is sad in this day and age the amount of people who cheat on their significant other.

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    i agree man, all i hear about is kids my age hooking up like crazy, cheating, not holding a bf/gf for more then a few weeks or months.

    seriously, i understand its part of growing up and having fun ok, but isnt there ANYONE mature and semi-faithful??
    2000 or bust

  15. #15
    Senior Member Jorge Sanchez's Avatar
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    Without going into detail, I have experienced something somewhat similar. Many people require validation, particularly from those who hurt them in the past. It is very possible that she is more interested in the validation than the man himself. Regardless, she needs to cut him out of her life forever or you need to move on. She can't be fully committed to you if she is thinking about the 'what if' with another guy.

  16. #16
    Banned bjohnso's Avatar
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    Jim, is your fiancee from Egypt? Why can't she drive? Her talking to other dudes behind your back is not cool. Lay down the law.

  17. #17
    天龙 McIrish's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Tofer View Post
    My sister is the kindest, sweetest and nicest girl you'll ever meet. She has been in a relationship for the past four and a half years. When she had to live abroad for six months, she cheated (he doesn't know and probably never will).

    Girls are pure evil, and can not be trusted.
    Yikes man, I hate to go off topic, but have you talked to her about this? Did she confide in you and tell you what happened with the old "please don't tell my boyfriend!"? If that were my sis, I'd tell her she needed to tell the guy and if she didn't that I would for BOTH of their sakes... ouch.
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  18. #18
    permanently bulking Titanium_Jim's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jorge Sanchez View Post
    Without going into detail, I have experienced something somewhat similar. Many people require validation, particularly from those who hurt them in the past. It is very possible that she is more interested in the validation than the man himself. Regardless, she needs to cut him out of her life forever or you need to move on. She can't be fully committed to you if she is thinking about the 'what if' with another guy.
    This is what she has said, and she told me that she is not on the fence, that I am who she chose, but that some of the feelings that came back do not just go away by themselves. She is not in love with him, but she still loves him, and wants closure, so that she does not have the "What if?" hanging around in her head.

    It sucks, because she was my first, and she is 5 years older than me, and he's her age. She's also indignant about the fact that I went into her myspace to see what they were saying to each other, and is holding past issues of me betraying her trust (not cheating or anything, just things I told her I would not do again, but did) over my head. She brings these things up sometimes, and I know she is insecure about me never being with anyone else, wondering if I'm curious about other people; and that I'm half a decade younger than her.

    I didn't mean the house is actually in Egypt, I meant we moved basically out of town, and I have to drive a couple thousand miles a month because of it, and the house has been a financial headache, and now that it's foreclosing , and we're uncertain exactly where we are going, at the absolute worst possible time, this asshat pops up and says he hasn't stopped thinking about her. Sucks.
    "I would have had sex with a pornstar, slapped a bitch and stole someone's dog." - deeder
    "Ever heard the term "screwing like rabbits? There's a reason it came about, and it has nothing to do with putting up drywall." - mrelwooddowd
    "If you are looking for a workout that will make you sore, you need to reassess your priorities, and perhaps look for an S&M club in your area." - Paul Stagg
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  19. #19
    Banned Tofer's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by McIrish View Post
    Yikes man, I hate to go off topic, but have you talked to her about this? Did she confide in you and tell you what happened with the old "please don't tell my boyfriend!"? If that were my sis, I'd tell her she needed to tell the guy and if she didn't that I would for BOTH of their sakes... ouch.
    Sure I have. I don't think it's right at all. If I told the guy he wouldn't believe me anyways because we have never seen eye to eye.

    The thing is, though, which is the point I was trying to make: she will probably go on to marry this guy, and that shows you exactly what many girls are like.

    It's foolish to completely trust girls no matter how sweet and honest they appear. If she's involved in questionable behavior, such as that described by the OP, there's a very good chance that she has or would cheat on you in the future if the situation presented itself.

  20. #20
    Senior Member BilltheButcher's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Tofer View Post
    Sure I have. I don't think it's right at all. If I told the guy he wouldn't believe me anyways because we have never seen eye to eye.

    The thing is, though, which is the point I was trying to make: she will probably go on to marry this guy, and that shows you exactly what many girls are like.

    It's foolish to completely trust girls no matter how sweet and honest they appear. If she's involved in questionable behavior, such as that described by the OP, there's a very good chance that she has or would cheat on you in the future if the situation presented itself.
    Better she cheats now, then when they are married.
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  21. #21
    Banned Tofer's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by BilltheButcher View Post
    Better she cheats now, then when they are married.
    What difference does it make? If the guy finds out she cheated before they married it's just as bad. Maybe even worse.

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    It's the difference between kicking her ass to the curb, and kicking her ass to the curb with half his stuff.
    23 y/o, 170 lbs

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  23. #23
    Senior Member Jorge Sanchez's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Titanium_Jim View Post
    She is not in love with him, but she still loves him
    I'm sorry, but this is just bull**** that women spew. What the hell does that even mean? Nothing, that's what.

    Bottom line: you need to let her do whatever she needs to do. If you try to prohibit their communication it will just happen behind your back. You need to let her know where you stand. You also need to know when to walk away. That's a judgment call, but when a woman loves or is in love -- whatever she wants to call it -- with another guy, that's not a good sign, in my opinion. If she doesn't cut him out of her life immediately I would reevaluate your relationship.
    Last edited by Jorge Sanchez; 03-05-2008 at 08:27 PM.

  24. #24
    Zeebo. Southern Beast's Avatar
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    Just sleep with someone else on the side and don't tell her. That way, you get the "One Up" on her ass.
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  25. #25
    permanently bulking Titanium_Jim's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jorge Sanchez View Post
    I'm sorry, but this is just bull**** that women spew. What the hell does that even mean? Nothing, that's what.

    Bottom line: you need to let her do whatever she needs to do. If you try to prohibit their communication it will just happen behind your back. You need to let her know where you stand. You also need to know when to walk away. That's a judgment call, but when a woman loves or is in love -- whatever she wants to call it -- with another guy, that's not a good sign, in my opinion. If she doesn't cut him out of her life immediately I would reevaluate your relationship.
    I'm glad someone is on the same page as me, and not everyone is on the "Kick her ass to the curb," or "All women are evil" crap.
    This is what I'm doing. I told her last night that I will help her do whatever it takes to get the closure she needs from that ****, short of getting physical with him. She has made it abundantly clear that she has chosen me, but she said she does not want to cut him out completely and lose touch again, in case we don't work out (since moving into the house, SO far away from everything I came from, all my time is spent working, driving, paying bills, etc. and I am not home much, making her feel like a "caged bird," and I have been too stressed and depressed to be able to help her get her license, progress toward her education in music and career as a singer, long story). This whole leaving him just within reach just in case is disturbing, and since she is on disability and doesn't work, my work days since this crap have been racing pulse near panic attack. My main goal now is just to get her to not want to contact him at all.

    She did say that she was going to tell him she made up her mind, but the way she talked about leaving him open as a (the) future possibility in the event of us seeing other people is awful. She is conflicted and has a genuinely guilty feeling, but the feelings are out of her control. I wish I had had prior relationships and was able to relate or had some way to. All I really want is the reassurance that I am once again the only guy in her brain and that the past is in the past.
    "I would have had sex with a pornstar, slapped a bitch and stole someone's dog." - deeder
    "Ever heard the term "screwing like rabbits? There's a reason it came about, and it has nothing to do with putting up drywall." - mrelwooddowd
    "If you are looking for a workout that will make you sore, you need to reassess your priorities, and perhaps look for an S&M club in your area." - Paul Stagg
    "I do encourage that people laugh at the fact I've put ass creme on my face." - Rock Steady
    "I look like a condom full of walnuts." - Risk10k
    "...the mothers would hang out of the window to get a piece of my little peanut ass and my bronzelike skin." - Rock

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