We will not be drinking Kool-aid. Rather, Liquid D-Bol in Gatorade, EVERYDAY!
I feel it's time to elevate my god-like status to that of cult leader. My followers are growing in numbers. This is a message for those who choose to listen, and a warning for those that do not. And, I am the one to bring this message. A message of hope.
Here are some of the basic requirements of membership in the cult:
1. You MUST be at least 275lbs, regardless of height
2. amendment to #2 - if you are not 275, you must REALLY want to be and you MUST be trying REALLY hard to get there
3. You must be happy when someone refers to you as "fat"
4. Progress Reports (stretch marks, to the non-cult member) are absolutely necessary
5. Sweating ALL the time, regardless of temperature is required and graded
6. You must have trouble wiping your ass and are willing to deal with it if you cannot finish the job properly
7. You DON'T have to take off your shirt to looked jacked. If there is any question, you're out
8. Visible abs are severly frowned upon
9. amendment to #8 - the top 2 can be out, but no more!
10. You must believe and put into practice that McDonald's is the perfect pre-workout food
11. You count PR's and 45lb plates, ONLY!
12. You must be willing to have a "fat-off" (like a flex-off) to see who has more bodyfat
13. You can ONLY measure your:
- belly at bellybutton
- and hips
Noone cares about how big your biceps are.
14. Addition to #13 - your neck must be bigger than your head. The nickname, "Stack of Dimes" is not cool
15. You must use 45lb and 25lb plates only. "Dimes, nickels, and chips are for chicks." -Dave Tate
16. If you ask, "How much do the chains weigh?" or, "How much tension does that band give?" you will be beaten, badly.
17. Under Armour or any form-fitting shirts are banned
18. If you are wearing a sleeveless shirt and hear, "You have a string hanging from your shirt." Put on a shirt with sleeves. The next part of that question is, "Oh, sorry. Those are your arms."
19. No one follows Prilipin's chart or calculates percentages - SMASH F@CKING WEIGHTS!
20. If you miss a weight in training, you will hear, "2 MORE REPS!" as the bar is being pulled off you
21. You must not put anything in your mouth that doesn't have calories in it
22. Amendment to #21 - your girlfriend/boyfriend is ok
23. You WILL be sodomized by all members of the cult upon acceptance. We will be wearing condoms and using Capsacin as lube. We do not provide mouthpieces so bring your own
24. If you are gay, that's totally cool. But, you must divulge this information so that when we are insulting each other and saying, "you're so gay, dude." we can make sure to say, "you're so hetero, dude." to you. If we are insulting, we want to make sure everyone's feelings are hurt.
25. If you have veins that are visible, other than in your penis, the Council of Fatties will have to determine if you still can be considered for acceptance
26. While training for a contest, you can ONLY gain weight. We in RHODESTOWN do not cut weight
27. There is no cutting/bulking season. It's a perpetual bulk. And we don't call it a bulk. It will be refered to as "getting jacked" or "getting fat"
28. Amendment to #27 - if health concerns arise, they must be brought to the attention of the Council of Fatties. If the Council cannot come to a decision, the final call will be made by Jabba the Hutt. His decision is final!
29. If you can see your cheek bones, collar bones, jaw bone, you need to start eating McDonald's for every meal until the problem is solved
30. It is looked upon with great reverance if your cholesterol is higher than your bodyweight.
31. You must retain water at all times
32. It is preferred that your blood pressure is high by medical standards. You must not care. Noone needs to live forever. We are here to SFW!
33. No food is to be left on your plate. If you throw up in your mouth, swallow it back down, and continue eating, you will excel here in RHODESTOWN.
34. Amendments to #30 and #32 - you may take the appropriate medications to control the problems. However, NO CHANGE IN DIET WILL BE ALLOWED! NO WEIGHT LOSS WILL BE ALLOWED, unless deemed acceptable by Jabba Himself.
35. You must find Tranny's hot
36. No more than 3 days per week or 12 days per month of cardio.
37. Amendment to #36 - sex doesn't count as cardio, but, you MUST be on the bottom. If you change positions, please videotape it so we can learn how it's done. Then, go to the refrigerator and start eating. There is NO REASON TO NOT BE ON THE BOTTOM! If you can/want to change positions, you're not big enough.
38. Absolutely NO Red Sox or Patriots fans. You people are so retahded and I can't stand the accent or ignorance. Get in youah cah and get the F@CK OUT!
39. We in RHODESTOWN are Dallas Cowboys fans. We do not recognize other sports
40. Sleep Apnea is preferred. However, we do recommend that you get a CPAP.
41. If you are hungry, EAT. If you are not hungry, EAT. It's that simple
42. Flip flops are to be worn year-round regardless of climate. If you can/want to put on and tie shoes, you must refer back to #41 and #1
43. Fat, bloated , and strong is the ONLY way to go thru life
44. Glenn Ross, Vasily Alexyev, Zadrunas Savikas, William "The Refrigerator" Perry, Nate "The Kitchen" Newton, Johnny Perry, OD Wilson, and Fat Bastard from Austin Powers are to be refered to as "beautiful". Others that fit the mold are to be refered to in a like manner.
45. You must put butter on everything you eat. Crisco is better.
46. There are no medical or dental benefits, but you will receive a free haircut
If you have concerns or questions, you're probably not going to be accepted. Do not try to deceive us here in RHODESTOWN. We will know if there are non-believers in our midst. You will be punished!
-your leader, Matt Rhodes
Disclaimer: I have the final word on acceptance into RHODESTOWN. If you are not accepted, you will be killed and eaten. Nothing will deter us from our mission to rid the world of Metrosexuals, Health Clubs, counting calories, maintenance diets, lifting to look good/get chicks, and prejudice towards others.