Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'can i help, sir?' 'no thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'
"cos it's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'aaaaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an airplane, and everyone joins in".
"he said 'i'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library.' i thought 'that's a turnup for the books."
"and the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said 'do you earn a living doing that?' he said 'yes, this my livelihood.'
"so i was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "can you give me a lift?" i said "sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'"
"you know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'parking fine.' so that was nice."
"so i went down my local ice-cream shop, and said i want to buy an ice-cream'. He said hundreds & thousands?' i said 'we'll start with one.' he said 'knickerbocker glory?' i said 'i do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'
I went to millets and said 'i want to buy a tent.' he said 'to camp?', i said (butchly) 'sorry, i want to buy a tent.' i said 'i also want to buy a caravan.' he said 'camper?' i said (camply) 'make your mind up.'
So i went to the dentist. He said "say aaah." i said "why?" he said "my dog's died."
"now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one i was in went back and forwards. I thought 'this is unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'mr cooper, get out of the filing cabinet.'"
"so i got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'who's speaking please?' and a voice said 'you are.'"
Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "your round." the other one says "so are you, you fat bastard"
Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other "does this taste funny to you?"
"so i rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'is that the local swimming baths?' he said 'it depends where you're calling from.'"
"so i rang up a local building firm, i said 'i want a skip outside my house.' he said 'i'm not stopping you.'
"apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother colin. Or my younger brother hochachu. But i think it's colin."
"so i was in my car, and i was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'you've been promoted.' and i swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said "you've been promoted again.' and i swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'you're managing director.' and i went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said what happened to you?' and i said 'i careered off the road.'