So I'm all jacked and tan from my complexes. My hands are quaking in excitement as I surgically separate the love handle spawning egg yolks from the eggs. Pensively I reach into the fridge and grab an untouched, supple yellow onion, and an equally attractive shiny, virgin, green pepper. Still sporting a partial from looking at the veins in my shoulders and arms in the mirror, I dice the pepper and onion in a fury that makes a Japanese steakhouse chef look like Forrest Gump trying to microwave a hot pocket.
I slice off an ab friendly pad of butter and let it drop onto a warm, inviting pan. I throw the pepper and onion into the sensual butter bath, with some fresh cracked pepper and sea salt. My home soon fills with the erotic odor of cooked green pepper and caramelized onions. I can barely contain myself. I frantically scramble over the fridge and tear the bag of diced ham open. I thrust my hand into the bag and laugh maniacally as the tiny pink cubes sizzle and tumble into the pan.
Then I realize all is not well. Something smells like cheese, and it's not the cheese I have waiting with trepidation on the counter. I bring my hands up to my nostrils, inhaling slightly, and the aroma hits me- definitely not the cheese I want in my omelette, no, this is not the kind of cheese for any food. This. Isn't. Cheese. I'm. smelling.
I notice my finger tips tend to stick together and feel a slight layer of slime in and around my fingers. It then dawns on me. I open up the bag of ham again, this time close to my face. A pungent odor resembling Satan's taint after a deadlifting session rapes in the side of my olfactory ducts.
I look at the date of expiration on the bag: 3/11/2011.
I almost ate 9 day old expired ham.
Today I almost died because of really old ham.
Can't think of anything bad, so I'll just contrast your culinary crash with a story of how I just ate the best pizza ever, cooked by my 12 yr old daughter, complete with homemade crust, homemade sauce, fresh tomatoes, real mozzarella, lean beef, pepperonis, Kalamata olives and mushrooms. I can't wait to eat the second half of it at lunch tomorrow.
almost the exact same thing happend to me I had my eggs cooking my potatoes were chopped up and ready to be cooked in the pan along with the sausage. Thats when I noticed my sausage was old and had a slight smell to it, more importantly someone had ripped the bag open and left it that way.
Nothing annoys me like wasted food because someone is to lazy to put it in a proper container. Like people who rip packages open below the resealable zip.
Right after New Years stopped at a McDonalds on the way home from work. I usually house when I eat there, so got an Angus Burger, Nuggets and Fries. It never settled right and I was hurting most of the night. Finally heaved the whole entire meal back up several hours later. Worst vomit experience ever. Have since sweared off fast food, minus Subway, for life.
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Last week, I was making some chili (canned chili btw, I'm too lazy to make my own), and I go to pull out some shredded cheese from my fridge. I've had this shredded 4 cheese for about 6 months, but I figured "Eh, what the hell, cheese probably doesn't go bad". I grabbed a handful of it, and I noticed it was all hard. It smelled a bit funny too. I then decided to look for an exparation date, and I found it to say "best used by 12/11/10". Hmm, so this cheese was 3 months expired, but I REALLY wanted cheese on top of my chili. Next, I decided to check Google to see if anyone ever died from expired cheese. I found no 'death from expired cheese' stories, so I decided to take a chance...
I hand twinges of mild anticipation mixed with bits of anxiety as I was about to take that first bite of the chili with 6 month old cheese on it, but I faced my fears head on and took that first bite. It wasn't the best thing I ever ate. Hell, it wasn't even the second best thing I ever ate, but it was edible. Considering I was ridiculously stoned at the time, edible was exactly what I was looking for. I don't even think I would go as far to say that it was good.....actually, now that I think about it, I probably wouldn't do that again.
But here I am, 1 week later....still standing. It didn't kill me. It only made me stronger. It did cause me to poop more than usual though. All in all, it was worth it though. I don't know what I would have done had I no cheese atop my chili.
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i ate some month old, expired fat free cheddar a few days ago. there was no visible mold.. and it smelled ok.. it went well!
By its very nature, cheese is bad. Trim the fuzzy green mold off and eat away. I yell at my wife when she throws away cheese just because the stamp says it has expired.
Cut up a block of cheese (1 year aged white cheddar) yesterday and the first piece tasted a little moldy.. the rest were fine.
"Those who would give up essential liberty to purchase a little temporary safety, deserve neither liberty nor safety." -- Benjamin Franklin
28yrs old, 6"1
Stats: Start | Current | Goal
Bench: 186lb | 226lb | 235lb
Squat: 180lb | 273lb | 360lb
Dead: 215lb | 319lb | 405lb
MY LOG ~ 313 DAYS
A couple months ago my girl and I cooked with chicken broth that expired in 2004. We didn't know beforehand. I made classic statements such as..
You and your ex weren't even married yet.
I was still married.
You didn't have your second kid yet.
You didn't have your FIRST kid yet, or even for another 2 years.
I was 250lbs of jello.
GW Bush was still president.
You were still driving a 92 Oldsmobile
And it went on and on, because I don't know when to quit.
Last edited by Patz; 03-23-2011 at 01:08 PM.
Every time I eat is a horrible food experience. I have Achalasia. Wee!
Last edited by sCaRz*Of*PaiN; 03-23-2011 at 05:17 PM.
"The only easy day was yesterday."
I can't say I hve any stories but I just want to say that that was really well written. Definite lol at this part:
I thrust my hand into the bag and laugh maniacally as the tiny pink cubes sizzle and tumble into the pan.
6'2 - 105kg (231lb)
A few years ago I ate a bad chipped ham sandwich at kfc thats about as recent as I can remember
Fantastic original post, loved the writing.
I guess the only thing I have is I fixed some chicken about a month ago without really inspecting it and even after it was done cooking it smelled like chlorine or something awful. I ate one of them because it didn't smell like that but then I was worried when I noticed the other that I would get sick. Luckily the only bad thing that happened was I wasted some chicken.
Deadlift - 475, Front Squat - 320, Back Squat - 405
It wasn't bad food or anything, it was just gross. Salmon in a pouch...that stuff really really sucks.
260's by May
Drank some milk out of the carton and began swallowing chunks.... Expired a month before.
Haven't been able to eat cottage cheese since.
Last edited by Jayfive; 03-24-2011 at 08:27 AM.
I just bought a new brand of protein powder. I mixed up my first shake with milk and noticed it was a little clumpy, but figured the new protein powder just didn't dissolve very well in milk. So I chugged it down. Quickly. So quickly that I didn't notice the putrid taste until I had finished the entire glass. Only then did I realize that the clumps were from curdled milk and not the protein powder. I burped up the taste of sour milk for hours, but I didn't puke.
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Few months ago I went to make some chicken helper for a quick meal before I left the house to go out. Had some of those sealed Purdue chicken breasts (the ones that come pre-seasoned, 5 breasts per bag). Has bought them on Sunday and they were in the fridge until that night, the following Saturday. A bit long to keep chicken, but I figured since they were completely sealed in plastic and in a secondary bag as well they would be ok. Made the pasta/chicken combo and ate it, smelled and tasted fine. Right before going out felt a little twinge on indigestion, like maybe a bit of gas/bloat was gonna come see me in a little while, so I took one of those gas-x tablet things and went out anyway.
Was going to see a concert with some friends from work, so a little bit of dancing/jumping up and down was standard fair. Stomach continued to feel weird through the first half, kind of like severe heartburn/lump in your throat kind of thing. Made it through the first couple of songs fine. Took a couple breathers outside to get some cold air and rest a bit. By intermission I told my friends I was gonna go home and get some rest.
Did get home. Did not rest.
Ended up on the floor of my bathroom, completely naked, with massive chills alternating with scorching hot flashes. Eventually vomited into the toilet. Got up, got dizzy, sat back down. Waited. Go up, got to the 2nd floor (bedroom is on the 3rd). Stopped to vomit in 2nd floor bathroom. Got up to bedroom and got into bed. Vomited into trash can. Feel dizzy, lie down and pass out. Awaken an hour later to vomit into trash can again. Pass out. Repeat an hour later. Awaken a half hour after that to dry heave until it feels like my stomach is coming out of my mouth. Take a small drink of water and pass out. Wake up 30 min later to vomit said water. Fall asleep for another 3 hours.
Literally one of the worst nights of my life. My stomach was messed up for the entire week, major stomach pains, extremely constipated, etc etc.
Just started eating chicken again last week.
23 y/o, 170 lbs
Do you understand that the second you
look in the mirror and you're happy with
what you see, baby, you just
lost the battle!
I feel your pain Altephor. Food poisoning is horrible. I've had it from restaurant chicken wings one time and from expired turkey breast another.
My worst experience was actually with a beverage. I grabbed the wrong can at a party and ended up drinking a bit of chew spit.
Last edited by K.Huget; 03-24-2011 at 10:20 PM.
22 y/o, 6'1, ~205 lbs
i was about to buy 50lbs of chicken cutlets for $90... then i woke up
The whole experience sucked but it did get me over my fear of puking.
Worst drink experience i had is from a while ago. I had a carton of ice tea in my bedroom and it spend most of its time in the sun. I got drunk one night and when i woke up the next morning with a severe hangover accompanied by massive thurst, i noticed the ice tea. Didnt really think and took a couple of sips. I then tasted the clumps of mold that were in it, probably from being in the sun. Great and i was still thirsty.