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Thread: How to poop at work (or school)

  1. #1
    *the ONE the ONLY* BennettBoy's Avatar
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    How to poop at work (or school)

    How to Poop at Work (or school)

    We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked
    back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brew down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the 2001 Survival Guide for taking a dump at work. Memorize these definitions and pooping at work will become a pure pleasure.

    ESCAPEE. Definition: a fart that slips out while taking a leak at
    the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the
    farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an
    escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or
    laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

    JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with ESCAPEE). Definition: When
    forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This
    is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should
    happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left
    the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

    COURTESY FLUSH. Definition: The act of flushing the toilet the
    instant the nose cone of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This canhelp you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

    WALK OF SHAME. Definition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to
    the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not
    exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

    OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER. Definition: A colleague who poops at work and damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

    THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN). Definition: A group of
    coworkers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the
    whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE
    HAVENS.

    SAFE HAVENS. Definition: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

    TURD BURGLAR: Definition: A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of
    the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when
    taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until
    the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable
    eye contact.

    CAMO-COUGH. Definition: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

    ASTAIRE. Definition: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert
    potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will
    remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an
    Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

    WATERMELON. Definition: A turd that creates a loud splash when
    hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident.
    If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See
    CAMO-COUGH.

    HAVANA OMELET. Definition: A load of diarrhea that creates a
    series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by
    an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

    UNCLE TED. Definition: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to
    relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.

    FLY BY. Definition: The act of scouting out a bathroom before
    pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others
    in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to
    become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
    peace-

    Craig

  2. #2
    The chill in the air is me cyclone's Avatar
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  3. #3
    A. F.
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    i thought u were going to ask a legitimate question

    pooping at work sucks donkey testicles, especially when you eat like a pig.

  4. #4
    Party of "No." Tryska's Avatar
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    *lmao*@turd burglar!
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  5. #5
    Senior Member
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    lol i remember this in an email i got
    my friends and i joke about these cause they are so funny lol
    hahaha

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  6. #6
    is numero uno Saint Patrick's Avatar
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    LMAO


    Edit: I just had an escapee
    Last edited by Saint Patrick; 11-08-2002 at 02:22 PM.
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  7. #7
    WBBs motivational Speaker Rock's Avatar
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    THAT IS FUNNY! I AM LAUGHING MY ASS OFF, THIS IS MY HUMOR TYPE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    post more of this kind!
    A big thanks to all my friends in the USA, I am deeply grateful for your hospitality and kindness.

  8. #8
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    Bathroom humor seems to go over quite well around here...LOL!

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  9. #9
    Banned Berserker's Avatar
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    I enjoy pooping at work. Nothing like getting paid $20 bucks an hour to sh*t. Also less stress on my septic.
    Berserker

  10. #10
    Senior of Kinesiology
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    The toliets at school... *shudders*... are prehaps the nastiest place to go... ick... *stops thinking bout it*
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  11. #11
    Senior Member Accipiter's Avatar
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    the bathrooms at HC have a 17 day old gelatanized layer of urine on teh floor.

  12. #12
    Senior Member RussianRocket's Avatar
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    All of those are true, thats what makes it.
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  13. #13
    Christian BBer
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    That was great! We have to many Out of the Closet Poopers here at work. Some are so comfortable that they'll try to talk to you with a straining voice. Avoid these at all costs.
    "Some people dream of success while others wake up and work at it."

  14. #14
    Banned Reinier's Avatar
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    I`m an out of the closet pooper.
    our toilets are fairly clean tho.
    get cleaned every day

  15. #15
    MulletII - AKA Ninja Boner Gyno Rhino's Avatar
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    Very good.
    Founding Member and CEO of the FFFA

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  16. #16
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    I used to be anxious about public bathrooms.

    However, when i was in the Army, we trained at this American base in Michigan. In the barracks, the bathroom just had this double line of toilets, back to back, through the middle of the room. Close together. I mean like, rubbing-knees-with-buddy-next-to-you close.

    That served well to disabuse me of any silly embarassment to do with bodily functions.

    pedantic lecturing aside, that's a damn funny list
    Last edited by Relentless; 11-08-2002 at 04:06 PM.

  17. #17
    Senior Member Savannah's Avatar
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    LOL I avoided reading this thread all day and at first I thought you were going to give us your own play by play on how to do the deed BennettBoy.

    Good one!

  18. #18
    Energizer Bunnie
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    *LMAO*

    <------------- is also a toilet humour enthusiast.
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  19. #19
    Party of "No." Tryska's Avatar
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    I'm quite uhh...anal retentive when it comes to public bathrooms.


    <~~~~~~~is very much bathroom-phobic
    A little learning is a dangerous thing...

    Live Dangerously! Learn a Little!


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  20. #20
    Energizer Bunnie
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    Originally posted by Tryska
    I'm quite uhh...anal retentive when it comes to public bathrooms.
    Yup, me too.... I don't do public
    "Happiness is not an accident. Nor is it something you wish for. Happiness is something you design." Jim Rohn

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  21. #21
    Equal Opportunity Offender Budiak's Avatar
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    Funny....we all know and practice these techniques...


    Kinda like I had done all of weiders principles before I had even heard of him, I just thought they'd be a good idea to try for some reason. And look, he's a ****in millionaire.
    Last edited by Budiak; 11-08-2002 at 05:06 PM.

  22. #22
    "Tuna Boy" NateDogg's Avatar
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    I fart loudly and proudly in the bathroom at work while urinating. I need to get it out sometime and that's the time and place to do so!!!
    "damn...can't beat logic like that.
    NAte is exactly right." - Tryska

  23. #23
    Equal Opportunity Offender Budiak's Avatar
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    If one slips out in the bathroom, who gives a damn? Its not like you're going to run out into the Student Union and scream 'THIS DUDE IS FARTING IN THE BATHROOM! OH MY GOD!'


    Its what the bathroom is for. Though I'd still rather crap alone.

  24. #24
    A. F.
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    good point.

    budiak, where do you go to school (assuming you do) ?

  25. #25
    Trying to figure this out JohnCollins's Avatar
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    I'm an OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER! And damn proud of it, that's true. I also often bring a coffee with me to enjoy with the paper. And have conversations when someone drops in next door.
    "Only two things are infinite; the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the universe." --Albert Einstein

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