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Thread: The best forwards I've ever received...

  1. #26
    . rpffly's Avatar
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    Aug 2003
    Manhattan Beach, CA.
    Ahhhh...the memories. So true.
    Won't you pour me a Cuban Breeze Gretchen......

  2. #27

  3. #28
    Senior Member geoffgarcia's Avatar
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    May 2002
    funny pics
    Last edited by geoffgarcia; 07-11-2009 at 03:47 PM.

  4. #29
    Teh kleptomaniac VasDeferens's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2003
    New York

  5. #30
    Bulking Sith Knight Stephen Riddington's Avatar
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    Jul 2003
    LOL @ budlight's post
    You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is 'never try'-Homer Simpson
    My brother always said that drowning in beer would be like heaven. Well, my brother's not here and I have two soakers... This sucks!!!-Bob McKenzie
    Hockey is murder on ice-Jim Murray
    Give a guy a gun, he thinks he's Superman. Give him two and he thinks he's God.-Superintendent Pang (Hard Boiled)

  6. #31
    Selfproclaimed Fancy Pants wibble's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2002
    Hahaha that kicks ass! Heres one I just got.

    Subject: Secrets of a perfect relationship

    1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooks from time
    to time, cleans up and has a job.

    2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

    3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn't lie
    to you.

    4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and who
    likes to be with you.

    5. It's very, very important that these four women don't know each other.

  7. #32
    Gymaholic Workhorse's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2002
    The Great White North
    Learn your A-B-C's the fun way....
    Check out my Training Journal HERE

    105kg Open IPF Classic Provincial record holder in the squat, bench, deadlift, and total.

  8. #33
    Senior Member geoffgarcia's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2002

    The Madame opened the brothel door to see an elderly Jewish man. His clothes were all dishevelled and he looked
    "needy". " Can I help you?" the Madame asked.
    "I want Natalie," the old man replied.
    "Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies; perhaps someone else..."
    "No, I want Natalie."
    Just then, Natalie appeared, and announced to the old man that she charges $1,000 per hour. The man never blinked, reached into his pocket, and handed her ten $100 bills. The two went up to a room for an hour, whereupon the man
    calmly left.
    The next night, he appeared again demanding Natalie. Natalie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row, and that there were no discounts, it was still $1,000 for one hour. Again the old man took out the money, the two
    went up to the room, and he left an hour later.
    When he showed up the third consecutive night, no one could believe it. Again he handed Natalie the money and up to the room they went.
    At the end of the hour Natalie questioned the old man. "No one has ever used my services three nights in a row, where are you from?"
    The old man replied, "I am from Minsk."
    "Really," replied Natalie. "I have a sister who lives there."
    "I know," said the old man. "She gave me $3,000 to give to you."
    A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing.
    He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green.
    He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Rabbit. 9 Iron"
    The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. "Rabbit. 9 Iron."
    He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts his other club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! he hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?"
    The frog reply's "Rabbit. Lucky frog."
    The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?" the man asks. "Rabbit. 3 wood."
    The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog,"OK where to next?"
    The frog reply, "Rabbit. Las Vegas." They go to "Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Rabbit Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks, " What do you think I should bet?"
    The frog replies, Rabbit.$3000,black 6."Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golfgame, the man figures what the heck.
    Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across them table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel.
    He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful." The frog replies, "Rabbit, Kiss Me." He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him he deserves it.
    With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous15-year-old girl. "And that, your honour, is how the girl ended up in my room."
    One day there was a Hippie who got on a bus.
    He sat next to a Nun and asked her if she would have sex with him.
    She politely refused him and got off at the next stop.
    The Bus driver then said to the Hippie "I know how to make the Nun have sex with you." The Hippie said "How, HOW!!"
    The driver then said "Every Tuesday she gets off of the bus at midnight at the Cemetery to give prayers. All you have to do is hide behind a headstone, and when she comes jump out with glow in the dark clothes and say that you are God, sleep with me."
    So the Hippie does as he is instructed and the Nun gets off of the bus at the Cemetery and the Hippie jumps out in front of her and says "This is God. Your prayers have been answered and I will answer all of your questions.
    But first, you have to have sex with me." The Nun replies "I will have sex with you, but it has to be anal to preserve my virginity."
    The Hippie agrees and they do it. When the Hippie is done he rips off the mask and yells, "Ha, I'm the Hippie that sat next to you on the bus!!" And the Nun says "Ha,
    I'm the bus driver!!"
    this one is a little twisted:
    Nervously pacing up and down a hospital corridor, a man waits as his
    Wife gives birth to there first child. After a long labour the doctor comes
    Out and tells the man that he the father of a baby boy.
    The man is overjoyed, and rushes in to his wife who smiles weekly and gives him the child.
    Overcome, the tearful father asks the midwife if there is anything he
    Can do to help. Sensing that the dad want's to share in the occasion the
    midwife tells him to take the baby and bathe it next door.
    After a few minutes the midwife pops in to see how the man is getting on. She jumps
    back in dismay when she sees what the new father is doing.
    He has two fingers firmly lodged up the infants nose and is dragging the child
    through the water in a figure-of-eights. "Good God!" she shouts, "thats not how
    to bathe a new-born!"
    "It bloddy well is," replies the man, "when the water is this hot."
    A man walked into a restaurant and sat at the only available table.
    A few moments passed and he accidentally knocked the spoon off from his table.
    His waiter came and from his front pocket pulled out another spoon.
    The customer was impressed and said, "Wow, why do you carry a spoon in your pocket?".
    The waiter replied, "Well we recently had an efficiency expert here who said 17.8% of our customers knock there spoon off the table, so by carrying spoons in our pockets we work more efficiently."
    Time passed and the customer finished his meal. When the waiter came back to give the customer the check, the customer said, "I hope this doesn't sound rude but do you know that you have a string attached to your zipper?"
    the waiter replied, "Yes, it seems that the same efficiency expert said we spend to much time washing our hands. You see this string is connected to my penis and when I go to the bathroom I pull out the string, and since I don't touch my penis I don't have to wash my hands."
    The customer then said, " Well how do you get your penis back inside your pants?". The waiter replied, "Well I don't know about the other guys but I use the spoon!"
    Signs that you are a drunk:
    1. You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
    2. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
    3. Your job is interfering with your drinking.
    4. Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
    5. Career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.
    6. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
    7. Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.
    8. 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence?? - I think not!
    9. Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem!
    10. You can focus better with one eye closed.
    11. You get in the back of the police cruiser and your first words are "Home, James!"
    The kindergartners were now in the first grade. Their teacher wanted
    them to be more grown up since they were no longer in kindergarten. She
    told them to use grown up words instead of baby words. She then asked
    them to tell her what they did during the summer.

    The first little one said he went to see his Nana. The teacher said,
    "No, No, you went to see your grandmother. Use the grown up word."

    The next little one said she went for a trip on a choo-choo. The
    teacher again said, "No, No, you went on a trip on a train. That's the
    grown up word."

    Then the teacher asked the third little one what he did during the
    summer. He proudly stated that he read a book. The teacher asked what
    book he had read. He puffed out his chest and in a very adult way
    replied, "Winnie the Shlt!"
    Little Jonny was in the second grade and the teacher decided to play a
    game. She said, "OK, class, we're going to play a new game. I'm
    going to hold something behind my back and describe it to you and you
    have to guess what it is."
    So, she started the game. She said, "I have something small and red
    and round." Little Jonny raised his hand and said, "I know, I know,
    it's an apple."
    The teacher said, "No, but I like the way you think."
    So she began explaining again, "I have something that is round and
    covered with leather."
    Little Jonny said, "I know, I know, it's a basketball."
    The teacher said, "No, but I like the way you think."
    Now Little Jonny was getting a little discouraged, so he stood up
    andput his hands in his pockets. He said, Teacher, teacher, I have
    one for you." She said, "OK, Jonny, what is it."
    He said, "I have something in my pocket that is hard, round, and it
    has a head on it."
    The teacher said, "Jonny, go to the principal's office right now."
    Little Jonny said, "It's only a quarter, but I like the way you
    think." :-)
    Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out on the
    lonesome prairie, each with the bravado for which cowboys
    are famous. A night of tall tales begins.

    The first says, "I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy
    there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral
    and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground, by the
    horns, with my bare hands."

    The second can't stand to be bested. "Why that's nothing. I
    was walking down the trail yesterday and a fifteen foot rattler
    slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed
    that snake with my bare hands, bit its head off, and sucked
    the poison down in one gulp. And I'm still here today."

    The third cowboy remained silent, slowly stirring the coals
    with his penis.
    Last edited by geoffgarcia; 03-02-2004 at 04:42 PM.

  9. #34
    Drunk and Obnoxious Strats's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2002
    St Johns NF
    Recently a "Husband Super Store" opened where women could go to choose a
    husband from among many men. It was laid out in five floors, with the men
    increasing in positive attributes as you ascended.

    The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to
    choose a man from that floor; if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back
    down except to leave the place, never to return.
    A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping centre to find some

    First floor
    The door had a sign saying, "These men have jobs and love kids." The women
    read the sign and said, "Well, that's better than not having a job or not
    loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?" So up they went.

    Second floor
    The sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are
    extremely good looking." "Hmmm," said the ladies, "But, I wonder what's
    further up?"

    Third floor
    This sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good
    looking, love kids and help with the housework." "Wow," said the women,
    "Very tempting." But there was another floor, so further up they went.

    Fourth floor
    This door had a sign saying "These men have high paying jobs, love kids,
    are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong
    romantic streak." "Oh, mercy me," they cried, "Just think what must be
    awaiting us further on!

    So up to the fifth floor they went.

    Fifth floor
    The sign on that door said, "This floor is empty and exists only to prove
    that women are ****ing impossible to please. The exit is to your left, we
    hope you fall down the stairs."
    Philosophy is to the real world as masturbation is to sex - Karl Marx

  10. #35
    Senior Member geoffgarcia's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2002

    If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00.
    With Enron, you would have $16.50 left of the original $1,000.00.
    With WorldCom, you would have less than $5.00 left.

    But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of Beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling price, you would have $214.00.

    Based on the above, current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.

    It's called the 401-Keg Plan

  11. #36
    Senior Member geoffgarcia's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2002
    A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"

    Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"

    Ms. Brooks had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was.

    The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave.
    She agreed..

    Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

    Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
    Harry: "9"...

    Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
    Harry: "36".

    And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
    The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."

    Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."
    The principal and Harry both agreed.

    Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
    Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

    Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
    Harry replied: "Pockets."

    Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
    Harry: "Pants."

    Ms. Brooks: "What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious, and contains thin, whitish liquid?"
    Harry: "Coconut."

    Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
    The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer.
    Harry: "Bubble gum".

    Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"
    Harry: "Shake hands."

    Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"
    Harry: "Fire truck"

    The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.

  12. #37
    Bulking Sith Knight Stephen Riddington's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2003
    Hahahaha!!! Good one.
    You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is 'never try'-Homer Simpson
    My brother always said that drowning in beer would be like heaven. Well, my brother's not here and I have two soakers... This sucks!!!-Bob McKenzie
    Hockey is murder on ice-Jim Murray
    Give a guy a gun, he thinks he's Superman. Give him two and he thinks he's God.-Superintendent Pang (Hard Boiled)

  13. #38
    Senior Member Canadian Crippler's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2004
    The Pavilion
    Rofl, that was classic.
    "I added some db curls with the pink weights for a bit of a burn." - Rookiebldr

    "im assuming the holy (big) 3 are: curls, bench, legs?" - Saggas

    "had a huge ass burn on my triceps while I was doing those kickbacks, so they'll likely be staying with my exercise program." - Zearoth

    "most of my burned calories coming from something called Basal. Wtf does a leaf have to do with any of it?" - Votorx

    "We have a lot of people like that on our campus, all hippies and things, that go around preaching against corporations, jocks, preps, accountants, and anyone else that feels the need to shower more than occasionally." - Shankerr

    "Damn man why are some women just so demonic and evil.. its like you wanna get a stake and mallet and an erection at the same time." - WBBIRL

  14. #39
    its ah slumper savdout209's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2004
    Quote Originally Posted by phreak
    P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
    S: Took hammer away from midget.
    ^^going down in history

  15. #40
    Mostly healed up! PizDoff's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2003
    TO, Canada
    Nice one Geoff!

  16. #41
    Teh kleptomaniac VasDeferens's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2003
    New York
    Last edited by VasDeferens; 11-18-2004 at 11:00 PM.


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