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Thread: heres how to squat, big-time

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  1. #1
    big pimpin biggimp's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2004

    heres how to squat, big-time

    i remember a thread about people who load a bar up and never do anything. that reminded me of this story. old as it is i still love it.


    Have you always wanted to be one of those feared monsters in the
    gym, but never knew the secret? ... have people cover their
    eyes in fear when you walk past, see little scrawny guys scurry
    away from the fountain when you grunt, or have an entourage follow
    you around to watch your every lift, in absolute awe? Well,
    you've got to get noticed, and do the stylin' squat...
    Here's the guide for doing squats to ensure the fastest
    growth in your gym prowess: (meatheads need not apply)

    -=- Step 1: Preparation -=-
    For your "intiation day" at the gym (the one that will
    set you well on your way to monsterhood), you should have
    ready the following:
    - Chalk (find some that makes the biggest cloud that hangs in
    the air for the longest time after you clap your hands
    with it). Store it in a tupperware container, important
    for the veteran look.
    - Powerlifting belt. 4-6 inches on the back. Essential.
    The biggest prongs and buckle you can find. It must be
    leather, too. Remember to remove the price tag.
    - Knee wraps. If you can find them, get ones that take
    about 5 minutes to wrap. Any less just won't do.
    - Get a crew cut. Everybody knows a short haircut makes
    you look bigger.
    - Cheap water bottle.
    - Practice the ILS strut -- walk around like you've got
    barrels under your arms, the bigger the better.

    -=- Step 2: The Walk -=-
    Go to the squat rack, and nothing but the squat rack. You
    must find the most direct line, even if that means walking
    over a benchpress or through a conversation between monster-
    heads. Don't be intimidated. You're going to earn their
    respect today. If anyone talks to you on your way, you must
    ignore them, with your eyes fixed on the rack. You mustn't
    talk, as this takes away from your intense look. During the
    walk, you musn't trip over anything, as this doesn't look good
    either. If necessary, practice the direct-route walk when
    the gym is empty, so you know where the difficult areas are.

    -=- Step 3: Taking the Rack -=-
    When you arrive at the rack, if there's a skinny guy doing
    curls, then push him over, and say, "get outta here, rat!"
    Make sure he gets hurt when he falls. Clench your jaw together
    when you're doing this, for additional effect. If there's a big
    guy, then hang off for a while, standing near the rack, but
    make sure your lats are flexed 'til they cramp, and in complete
    view of the rest of the gym -- it helps if you tuck in your
    tank top. It's much better if you time your entrance
    (beginning of step 2) so that there's no big guy at the rack
    by the time you've finished your Walk.

    -=- Step 4: The Setup -=-
    Now that you have your own rack (or cage), it's important to
    get some attention. Drop your gear near the rack as loudly
    as possible, preferrably so that the prongs of the belt hit
    something metallic.

    Look in the mirror in front of you to see if anybody heard,
    if not, then make sure the supports in the cage are strong
    by hitting them loudly with the side of your hand as hard as
    you can without getting a bruise.

    Now, pick up your belt and cinch it up as tight as you can
    manage. Tighten until your waist is 20 inches. Contrasting
    your 40 inch chest, you now have an impresive v-taper, just
    like the pros.

    Walk up to the bar, hit it with both hands (again, forcefully
    enough) grunt at it, and then turn around to check out your
    audience. The more people near the rack, the more impressive
    your lift will seem.

    Throw on a pair of 45s. Make sure that you throw them on
    as hard as you can manage without losing your balance. This
    is an excellent way to cultivate your audience. Next, put
    on your wraps and double-check your belt. Pick up your
    water bottle, take a swig, then throw it across the gym.
    For best effect, it should rocket through the other guy's
    squat cage, narrowly miss the guy doing 100lb dumbell
    presses and hit a far wall.

    Now, toss on another pair. You should have 225. This
    isn't enough for them? Time to throw on another pair.
    Now we're getting a couple looks, aren't we? Ahh... now's
    not the time to stop -- you're on a roll, and you're starting
    to get some respect, so fling on another 90. When the
    clamour of the weights begins to die, tell somebody nearby,
    "Hey you... fetch me a couple more plates." 495 on the bar...
    look who's talking now! You will probably see even see the
    biggest guys in the gym looking out of the corners of their
    eyes, suppressing their awe. If only Yates could see
    you now.

    -=- Step 5: The Burn -=-
    This is a crucial step. Pick some skinny kid nearby and
    walk up to him, ask him quietly "can I borrow you for
    a moment?" Walk back to the bar, and wait for him to
    come near. If all goes as planned, he'll say, "Do you
    need a spot?" Bingo. Make sure you yell the rest of
    this loud enough so that everyone around you could hear:
    "You... spot me? HAHAHAHAHAH Muahahaha.. You couldn't
    spot a fly if it hit you in the eye." Immediately, pick
    one of the big guys and say, "Hey bro, got a sec for a
    quick spot?" You have boosted his ego, so chances are
    he'll do it. If not, then come up with a good joke about
    his clothing and pick somebody else (preferrably not
    the deepsquatter).

    Reach into your tupperware container of chalk, and rub
    it across your palms, back of shoulders and neck. Grunt
    every now and then and mutter some things under your breath.
    Occasionally say, "piece of cake", "what a joke", or
    "now we're cookin'". Finally, smash your hands together,
    but make sure there's a hefty quantity of chalk in the
    cup of your hands before they hit. This will make sure
    that all of it explodes into the air. You want the POW
    camp extras in the aerobics area to be struck with fear
    by the A-bomb cloud of chalk dust rising over the squat
    area. This is usually enough to bring over a couple more

    -=- Step 6: The Lift -=-
    Now that you're wrapped, chalked, belted and have an
    enough people watching, it's time to get on with your
    lift -- if you wait too long, you'll lose people's interest.
    Walk back up to the bar, again, slap your hands on the
    bar, and very quickly duck under the bar and smash your
    shoulders into the bar. This should make the cage
    rattle with all the weight. You're in position for your

    Make sure your spotter is close behind you, because it's
    important that he obscures you from the crowd watching
    from behind. You want them to hear your lift, not
    see it.

    When ready, stand, walk out and grunt. You will probably
    need about 5 grunts to keep people's interest while
    you're getting ready. Now, start to bend your knees,
    and go down a couple inches. As soon as you think you've
    gone far enough, start yelling. Try to roar from the
    bottom of your stomach, with as much force as possible.
    Before you start your roar, be sure to get as big a breath
    as possible. This will allow you to keep a sustained
    roar for much longer; hyperventilate if you have to.
    But it's not the length that counts, it's the number of
    times the roar changes pitch, making it sound like you're
    going through a series of different levels of agony.
    Your last note should be unpleasantly loud and should
    crescendo with you throwing the bar back on the pins.
    Assuming your yell was long enough, most people will
    think you came up from parallel, and the spotter should
    make it difficult to see.

    -=- Step 7: The Exit -=-
    Step out of the rack, and look around to see what sort
    of audience you managed to summon. If you've injured
    yourself, don't cry until you've left the gym. Leave
    the weight on the bar so that the next person to use
    it has to take it all off and realize how strong you
    really are. Ignore your spotter. If he starts to say
    something about depth, yell over top of him, "what kind
    of LOUSY spot was that?" To anything he says after that,
    just laugh him off immediately. Exit the gym by the
    same route you took to get in. Do not remove your
    belt and remember those barrels.

    With careful application of these secrets, don't be
    surprised if you become the new talk of the gym.
    If the gym tells you they don't want you back (they're
    usually worried about letting superstrong guys like you
    make others insecure), find another one. Preferrably
    one of those hardcore ones like Jane Fonda or Bally's.
    Rock Quotes:
    -Girls like big strong men, all the other men has to find a niche or a thing they supposedly love, you saving whales or reading books, to get laid.
    -Look..first I am scared little freezing virgin munk, but then I bare my self and I am nothing like a freezing virgin!
    -Then I saw a little african boy sleeping, and I thought...that is little Okeke, he is tired from herding all the goats and the big goat got away today.
    Quote Originally Posted by fixationdarknes
    And I'll clench my buttcheeks as hard as I can to keep free of intruders.


  2. #2
    Join Date
    Feb 2004
    Mt. Pleasant, MI.
    OMG that wsas ****ing hilarious.

  3. #3
    is numero uno Saint Patrick's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2002
    It's been posted before, but yeah, still funny as hell.
    Height: 5'7"
    Weight: Not Big Enough

    “Take things as they are. Punch when you have to punch. Kick when you have to kick.” — Bruce Lee

  4. #4
    bulking again
    Join Date
    Apr 2004
    Pretty funny i think..
    Last edited by toughguywannabe; 04-22-2004 at 11:48 PM.

  5. #5
    Go Nets
    Join Date
    Feb 2004
    Texas to NY transplant
    So, I tried this in the gym today with not such good results. I'm only 190lbs, skinny, but wanted mad respect at the gym!

    I didn't own a weight belt, so I just got this really thick belt that my mom has. It's black, so the big buckle on the front didn't look to girly. No chalk, but got a thing of baby powder from teh bathroom. I didn't have time to get some wraps, so I substituted my little brothers knee pads. Grabbed a bottle of water on the way, already have a short haircut (hey,I'm new, but I'm not THAT new to the gym), and away I go!

    I got to the gym, and there were people walking out. Immediately I went into the best ILS strut I could manage! I could tell they were impressed while I feigned trouble getting out of my car from my huge back!!

    I walk inside, and make a B line STRAIGHT for the squat rack like you guys told me to. On the way I accidentally hit one of my slightly extended arms on a guys barbell, knocking 2 plates off in the middle of his bench! (DON'T WORRY!!) Like a true pro, I immediately looked to him and said "Try to lower the weight if it's too much for you to control!!!" Everyone that was looking from the noise of the plates fallign to the ground immediately got a look of anger - surely over the inexperienced guy who couldn't handle the weight on his bench.

    I was lucky when I reached the rack, because it was already empty. I threw my gear down at the rack. The large buckle on my mom's belt made the greatest crashing noise ever! I'm sure I got some attention then!!
    I tucked in my tanktop, put on my mom's belt, strapped on the knee pads as tight as they could go, chugged the water, threw it at the far wall, and proceeded to grunt!! Oh man, what a grunt! This was great! I had everyone's attention now!

    I started adding weight to the bar, but wanted to REALLY impress everyone. I used a bunch of plates and worked a taper on the ends using smaller weights, so it looks like I am doing even more!

    I found the nearest guy and worked him over with the Burn! I talked about his mom and all! He was fully insulted. Then I picked the big guy,and got my spot ready!

    I pull out my baby powder and SQUEEZED! The whole area was full of the aroma of it! I could tell all the onlookers knew I was a serious professional when they saw that! This weight ain't no ****, and neither am I!!

    Finally, I grunted, kicked and punched the rack. I did a hulk-like pose in the mirror to really psyche everyone out!! Here was the moment of truth!!

    I took a breath! Grunted, lifted the weight! Now here's where things started to go so wrong! I DID hyperventalate! Just like you told me to! I fell to the floor, the way knocked my spotter down, plates fell everywhere, and everyone saw! Right away I yelled "that's the last time I get such a small guy to spot me!!" but I'm not sure if that saved face! The guy started to respond so I yelled "I appreciate your apology! Just don't let it happen again!"

    Still covered in babypowder, wearing my mom's huge belt buckle belt, a pair of child's skateboard knee pads, and my arms out like I am carrying two thanksgiving turkeys - I made my strut out of the gym! I had everyone's attention on the way out! So maybe things did go well! I guess I will have to wait until next time to see how intimidated everyone is!!!

  6. #6
    Baby Seal Clubber ElPietro's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2001
    Toronto, Canada
    Seen this before too, still funny though. I keep my chalk in a tupperware container, have a thick powerlifting belt, crew cut, cheap water bottle, and generally always take the most direct path to the power rack when I get to the gym as well.
    Deadlifts are like women, they'll hurt you everytime, but they'll also make you a man. - Me

    Friends don't let friends do dumbell kickbacks. - Me

    ElP is the smartest man in the world. - Gyno Rhino

    A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls. -- Dan Quayle

    If do right, no can defense. -- Mr. Miyagi

    Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey:

    I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.

    Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you're drunk.

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