I don't even know if this is the best place to put this, but I feel as if I have to get this off my chest.
Let me preface this by saying that I'm usually a happy-go-lucky kinda guy.
Since I was young, I've been a shy person and paranoid person, and has finally gotten to me.
I played football long ago, and I tried to make friends with the biggest and strongest guys, because I felt that if they were my friends, I'd feel better about myself. I was always paranoid that people were out to get me or were talking about me. Also, I was too ashamed to shower with the team. I knew that everyone looked better than me and were in better shape and were "bigger" than me. At least that's what I told myself.
Because I am so shy and paranoid, I never drank or smoked or did anything even close to illegal or immoral. This, in turn, made me isolate myself from everyone else. I always felt like I didn't belong, no matter how much I wanted to. I had a few girlfriends, but since I didn't feel love for myself, how could I love a woman. So, the relationships didn't last long. And because I didn't feel adequte about myself, I never had any sex.
I wanted to party and have fun and do other things the football team did, but even there I felt as if I didn't belong. So, I ended up alone, and although I loved football, I quit the team. And I quit lifting weights because everyone was so much bigger and stronger than me, what right did I have in there.
Fast foward to current times. I work everyday and am happy with my job. But when I go out to places like the mall, a little voice in my head is saying stuff like "They're looking at you, ya know" Although my logical side is saying that there's no possible way that they're concerned about me, that little voice inside me never shuts up.
I also see everyone as they are better than me. To me, everyone looks better than I am. They're either taller than me or more muscluar or stronger. Unless they are exceptionally out of shape, I see something about them that is better than what I have. I'm still a virgin, still paranoid about being around other people and still so shy that I don't want to take my clothes off around people.
So, recently I joined this site because I wanted to get into shape, and I decided to take some before pictures. And I realized that I am very very unhappy with my current appearance. I look and feel like a fatass. That in turn led me to think about what I really want. I am addicted to muscle. I want the size and strength and confidence that it provides. I see people on the various boards and out and about and I want to be like that.
But the little voice in my head continues to annoy and get in my way. It keeps telling me that I will never be as good as anyone else. That I will always be the fatass that I am. No one will want you. No matter how much work I do, or what diet I follow or how much weight I lift or even if I find steriods, I'll still be a fatass and everyone will still be better than me.
My logical side says that if I work hard enough I can get what I want, but that voice is still there, even though I know it is completly illogical.
I guess I'll see what will happen. I just have to keep to it.
Boy, it is tough to come out and say all that to anyone.