The Five Biggest Contradictions in Fitness
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The Five Biggest Contradictions in Fitness

Itís no secret that when people contradict themselves, it has the effect of making the flaws in their actions or statements seem glaringly obvious. But what about when WE ourselves get caught contradicting ourselves by someone else?

By: Nick Tumminello Added: January 6th, 2014
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  1. #1
    Lleu Llaw Gyffes Miker's Avatar
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    To the people at my gym

    To Hollywood Lifter: As you lift, you fill the gym with your grunts, groans and sounds that defy description. You like the attention. Yes, you have some big muscles. But you also have a pony tail and goatee and that makes you ridiculous. You think it makes you look like a badass. You're half right.

    To Shower Honker: What you do in your own shower is your own business. But when you share the shower room with other people, most of us would appreciate you NOT covering the floor with your snot rockets. I simply don't have faith that your nasal cannons can aim well enough to hit the drain with any sort of consistency.

    To Bearded Guy with Two Hot Girls: You kick ass and I want to know your story. Who are those girls? Are you their trainer? Are they your girlfriends? Is it your girlfriend and her friend? Her sister? Her roommate? Can I have one? You, sir, are an inspiration.

    To Gay Asian Guy: You've dropped some weight and toned up quite a bit since you started at the gym and you are to be congratulated for that. Congratulations. Now stop wearing those shirts that say "bitch" and "twink." I have no problem with gay people. God bless you and yours. But about the last thing I want to see whilst weakly attempting to incline chest press is one of your less-than-clever shirts declaring your sexuality as you squat in front of me.

    To Elijah Wood: You look just like him. Now change your nasty shirt, Frodo. But I do like your little tattoo and the band it represents. Seriously, a band tattoo? To each his own, I guess.

    To Intense Blonde Girl: You really don't **** around. You lift crazy weights considering how thin you are. Now I'm just throwing out ideas here, but maybe we could go out for coffee sometime and get married. Just a thought.

    To Skinny Old Guy: You're pretty cool. I like you. That's why I'm going to recommend that you try pushing less weight. You're strong for your size, but I'm surprised you're still alive and functioning with the way you overload the machines and struggle mightily with the weights. Slow and steady wins the race. Plus, I don't want to have to pick your torn-off limbs up off the floor for you.

    To Braces Guy: I know what you do with the weights before you leave a machine. Who are you trying to impress? Maybe I shouldn't care so much about this, but I hate to see you waste your effort trying to convince the rest of us of how strong you are. God loves all his children equally...Except liars, Braces Guy. Except liars.

    To Hardcore Trainer: I don't care if you WERE a Navy Seal; I swear to god, if you yell out "You da man!" to a client one more time, I'm going to fill out a comment card with SO many negative comments regarding your abilities, it'll make your head spin. And if you weren't roughly 76 times my size, I'd cockpunch you. Every time I hear you yell out that catch-phrase from the 90s, I want to walk up to you and say, "No, sir...YOU da man!"

    To Walking Pharmacy: I've never seen someone carry that many juices, powders and pills around with them. You're like a walking GNC. Apparently they work because you're built like Stallone (circa 1985), but your face looks just like Matt Stone, glasses and all. I'm really tempted to come up to you and ask you to do the Kyle Broslofski voice, but I'm afraid you'd eat my head for protein.


    Anyway, you guys are actually great and you make each and every evening at the gym much more interesting and entertaining. Our quirks make us who we are and I wouldn't change any of you. Except for you, Mr. Shower Honker. That's just gross.
    "Fast food kills more people than hard drugs. McDonalds is the smack dealer of today. We are feeding ourselves things we wouldn't have fed animals 50 years ago. If you respect yourself, you wouldn't eat that crap."
    - John Davies of Renegade Training


    "The trainee needs to look past the obvious solution to any problem and look for the real solution. For example, every arm training article in the last ten years to improve your arm circumference has included a workout based on curls and triceps extensions. Do you really think a lack of doing curls is the reason why most guys have less than impressive arms?

    Every article on how to improve your chin-ups includes a program with a shitload of chin-ups in it. Is that all you've got? Improve your chin-ups by just doing more of them?

    Really fucking cutting edge that is!"
    - Alwyn Cosgrove


    Max's
    Bench Press - 255lbs x 1 reps (June 15/05)
    Squat - 325lbs x 1 rep (April 27/05)
    Deadlift - 405lbs x 1 reps (Feb 27/06)

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  3. #2
    putting in work Roark's Avatar
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    nice

    funny funny

  4. #3
    System's BiAtch! _8_Ball's Avatar
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    Not bad at all...

    8

  5. #4
    Om. Avocado. MM's Avatar
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    Ah ****, I'm going to do this when I (a) get out of the ****ing shower or (b) when I get back from work tonight.

    EVERYONE should make a similar post. It is really neat. Nice post Miker.
    Don't hate the player. Hate the game.


  6. #5
    Still Plugging Away -TIM-'s Avatar
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    Good read for a Friday morning at work. Thanks for the humor.

    Best way to cheat on deadlifts...

    Stand there for a few minutes, then pace back and forth a lot, huff and puff, wait until everybody's looking. Approach the bar. Back off. Approach it again. Back off. Get some water. Chalk up. Approach the bar again. Then spray some more chalk around. Wait until people start losing interest. When nobody's looking, pick it a little off the floor, and slam it down. Jump up and yell "LIGHT WEIGHT BABY". Then give high fives all around. - Belial

  7. #6
    Senior Member AzBboy's Avatar
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    Man, thank god I am not a gym member.

  8. #7
    Breaker of Skulls Guido's Avatar
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    He he. Crippler and I did something like this a while back. It's always fun to make observations about other people working out. Seriously, I wouldn't want to NOT work out at the gym. It gives me something to laugh about almost every day.
    5'9" 195 lbs
    DL 600x1
    SQ 490x1 (raw)
    BP 430x1 (shirted), 320x1 (raw)
    SN 209x1 C+J 250x1


    My Training Journal
    www.illinipowerlifting.org

    "Most people don't want to learn new things. They only want to hear about things that validate crap they're already doing." - Mike Boyle

  9. #8
    Senior Member
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    this is great, funny stuff. I can relate to people i've seen around my gym.
    "In religion and politics people's beliefs and convictions are in almost every case gotten at second-hand, and without examination." -Mark Twain

  10. #9
    Supreme Champ
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    hahaha thats a good one to wake up to
    Currently Age 16 5'10 158.5lbs
    10km run:43min

    "The referee is the most important man in the ring besides the two fighters." -Big George Foreman

    "He has everything a boxer needs except speed, stamina, a punch, and ability to take punishment. In other words, he owns a pair of shorts."-Blackie Sherrod

  11. #10
    Supreme Champ
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    there was a guy groaning so loudly it sounded like someone was giving birth
    Currently Age 16 5'10 158.5lbs
    10km run:43min

    "The referee is the most important man in the ring besides the two fighters." -Big George Foreman

    "He has everything a boxer needs except speed, stamina, a punch, and ability to take punishment. In other words, he owns a pair of shorts."-Blackie Sherrod

  12. #11
    Senior Member Canadian Crippler's Avatar
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    I'm gonna dig mine up and add comments to it. Theres some great gimmicks at the gym.

    Guido, stop bumping my journal and I'll take a pic of "Holocaust" for you
    Last edited by Canadian Crippler; 10-14-2005 at 11:06 AM.
    "I added some db curls with the pink weights for a bit of a burn." - Rookiebldr

    "im assuming the holy (big) 3 are: curls, bench, legs?" - Saggas

    "had a huge ass burn on my triceps while I was doing those kickbacks, so they'll likely be staying with my exercise program." - Zearoth

    "most of my burned calories coming from something called Basal. Wtf does a leaf have to do with any of it?" - Votorx

    "We have a lot of people like that on our campus, all hippies and things, that go around preaching against corporations, jocks, preps, accountants, and anyone else that feels the need to shower more than occasionally." - Shankerr

    "Damn man why are some women just so demonic and evil.. its like you wanna get a stake and mallet and an erection at the same time." - WBBIRL

  13. #12
    MulletII - AKA Ninja Boner Gyno Rhino's Avatar
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    Did you make this up, or is this a prefab? I've read something exactly like this before (and not yours, CC).
    Founding Member and CEO of the FFFA

    "All that matters is beauty on the inside! Outside beauty doesn't matter!"
    ~This is something ugly people say to feel better about themselves...

    "Strength and size don't matter! It's not fair to judge training knowledge based on strength and size!"
    ~This is something wussy people say to feel better about themselves...

    Pearls of Wisdom...


    Resident Ninja Demon (with a pet Radioactive Sloth) and SchlonkeyMaster of WBB!

    Rock is my 'Big Viking Brother', and not in a homo-esque way.

    And no COLON jokes, bastards!

  14. #13
    Banned David's Avatar
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    Good call, Gyno.

    Pulling a Darwin automatically gets you kicked out of WBBCC.

  15. #14
    Lleu Llaw Gyffes Miker's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Gyno Rhino
    Did you make this up, or is this a prefab? I've read something exactly like this before (and not yours, CC).
    'Tis some original and some plagiarization from other places... some old, some new..
    I thought hilarious... most of these characters are at my gym..in slightly different forms.. I tweaked it a little
    "Fast food kills more people than hard drugs. McDonalds is the smack dealer of today. We are feeding ourselves things we wouldn't have fed animals 50 years ago. If you respect yourself, you wouldn't eat that crap."
    - John Davies of Renegade Training


    "The trainee needs to look past the obvious solution to any problem and look for the real solution. For example, every arm training article in the last ten years to improve your arm circumference has included a workout based on curls and triceps extensions. Do you really think a lack of doing curls is the reason why most guys have less than impressive arms?

    Every article on how to improve your chin-ups includes a program with a shitload of chin-ups in it. Is that all you've got? Improve your chin-ups by just doing more of them?

    Really fucking cutting edge that is!"
    - Alwyn Cosgrove


    Max's
    Bench Press - 255lbs x 1 reps (June 15/05)
    Squat - 325lbs x 1 rep (April 27/05)
    Deadlift - 405lbs x 1 reps (Feb 27/06)

  16. #15
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    I don't recognize most of 'em, Mike.

    Maybe the Intense Blond Girl... if you mean that skinny slavic girl that always has a trainer laying his best rap on her (although she doesn't seem to lift too heavy). But the rest? Maybe you can start pointing 'em out to me. Especially the bearded guy with 2 girls...

  17. #16
    Lleu Llaw Gyffes Miker's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Callahan
    I don't recognize most of 'em, Mike.

    Maybe the Intense Blond Girl... if you mean that skinny slavic girl that always has a trainer laying his best rap on her (although she doesn't seem to lift too heavy). But the rest? Maybe you can start pointing 'em out to me. Especially the bearded guy with 2 girls...
    Aw grasshoppa.. you must attend more than at 12 noon..

    Hollywood guy looks like he plays for the argos.. and sounds like he is constipated.. many tattoos and emptiness behind the eyes.

    Shower Honker... young guy mainly but this description fits a few..

    Bearded guy is a trainer at the gym...nice guy--has a ponytail also.. trains some serious hotness

    Saw the Elijah wood dude one night at 4.. short... same width as height.. stinky shirt.. and a judas priest tattoo...

    You got the Intense Blonde Girl.. and she lifts impressive for her weight.. not like Lisa.. but pretty good...

    The last 4 I plagiarized from various descriptions I've read on a few other boards.. though we have our own skinny old guy, braces guy and walking pharmacy... and that young trainer that did the spinning classes is like the Hardcore trainer.. but more goofy...

    Poetic License Cal.. poetic License. I was going to include the big dude that lifts sick weights while reciting incredibly intelligent sounding statements.. but since you just called me on my gym descriptions.. I've decided that guy is a slug.
    "Fast food kills more people than hard drugs. McDonalds is the smack dealer of today. We are feeding ourselves things we wouldn't have fed animals 50 years ago. If you respect yourself, you wouldn't eat that crap."
    - John Davies of Renegade Training


    "The trainee needs to look past the obvious solution to any problem and look for the real solution. For example, every arm training article in the last ten years to improve your arm circumference has included a workout based on curls and triceps extensions. Do you really think a lack of doing curls is the reason why most guys have less than impressive arms?

    Every article on how to improve your chin-ups includes a program with a shitload of chin-ups in it. Is that all you've got? Improve your chin-ups by just doing more of them?

    Really fucking cutting edge that is!"
    - Alwyn Cosgrove


    Max's
    Bench Press - 255lbs x 1 reps (June 15/05)
    Squat - 325lbs x 1 rep (April 27/05)
    Deadlift - 405lbs x 1 reps (Feb 27/06)

  18. #17
    Senior Member Teufelhund's Avatar
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    KAPOW!!!!


  19. #18
    Banned spencerjrus's Avatar
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    To Young Jerkoff: Your cut off skater T and matching wristbands might make you look hardcore, but not nearly as hardcore as your white ipod tightly wrapped around your bulging 14 inch biceps. And stop doing a front double bi pose in the mirror after every set, your arms arent getting any bigger dickwad.

  20. #19
    DeaTH BeFoRe WeaKNeSs sCaRz*Of*PaiN's Avatar
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    To Gay Asian Guy: You've dropped some weight and toned up quite a bit since you started at the gym and you are to be congratulated for that. Congratulations. Now stop wearing those shirts that say "bitch" and "twink." I have no problem with gay people. God bless you and yours. But about the last thing I want to see whilst weakly attempting to incline chest press is one of your less-than-clever shirts declaring your sexuality as you squat in front of me.
    This is more like to gay guys in general. My old gym I went to I had to see this dude wearing pink flip flops and short shorts do his damn yoga exercises all over the equipment every day. He would put a damn barbell on the squat rack and use it to stretch his legs for 30 minutes. He rarely lifted weights. He would just use all of the equipment to stretch and he did it in a very homo way. He even strutted like a runway model to each new machine he went to, getting in everyone's way who was trying to actually use the equipment for "weight lifting". People like that need to be banned from the gym. I'm sure they have classes for stretching, but hogging the equipment to stretch for 30 minutes and not using the actual weights is just damn annoying.
    "The only easy day was yesterday."

  21. #20

  22. #21
    Lleu Llaw Gyffes Miker's Avatar
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    I posted it also in my blog.. another craiglist board and my own personal site.
    ...incase you wanted a full record of my attempt at adding humour to forums I frequent.
    Last edited by Miker; 10-14-2005 at 06:00 PM.
    "Fast food kills more people than hard drugs. McDonalds is the smack dealer of today. We are feeding ourselves things we wouldn't have fed animals 50 years ago. If you respect yourself, you wouldn't eat that crap."
    - John Davies of Renegade Training


    "The trainee needs to look past the obvious solution to any problem and look for the real solution. For example, every arm training article in the last ten years to improve your arm circumference has included a workout based on curls and triceps extensions. Do you really think a lack of doing curls is the reason why most guys have less than impressive arms?

    Every article on how to improve your chin-ups includes a program with a shitload of chin-ups in it. Is that all you've got? Improve your chin-ups by just doing more of them?

    Really fucking cutting edge that is!"
    - Alwyn Cosgrove


    Max's
    Bench Press - 255lbs x 1 reps (June 15/05)
    Squat - 325lbs x 1 rep (April 27/05)
    Deadlift - 405lbs x 1 reps (Feb 27/06)

  23. #22
    Teh kleptomaniac VasDeferens's Avatar
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    ok then.
    good stuff. should write more, you can be a pro.

  24. #23
    Just watch me ... Built's Avatar
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    Ahahahahahahhaa!

    *snort!*

    This was very, very funny Mike!


    I'll add a couple more:

    To stinky fat guy: standing with your legs straddling the treadmill while you watch TV doesn't count. And walking all the way around the gym with your arms in the air to "share the love" doesn't endear you to me. I feel sorry for your wife. Or are you married to a goat? It WOULD explain that SMELL...

    To Gymnast Guy: You're pasty, skinny body looks really, REALLY bad in the black wifebeater and black tights you wear to the gym. I lift more than you do. For the love of God, EAT something. And put on a sweatshirt. Nobody wants to look at that.

    Speaking of which:
    To Short Shorts guy: Please don't bench. Please. Or at least put the mouse back in the house. Really. It did NOT give me a thrill <vomit>

  25. #24
    squat it all!
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    more! i'm not funny enough to think of some, but someone please post more -- these are what i needed today!
    always hungry...

  26. #25
    Just watch me ... Built's Avatar
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    More?

    Sigh. Never satisfied.

    Okay:

    To Half Squat Guy: Your squat technique reminds me of my first lay. Except your set lasts longer than he did. But the style is IDENTICAL - short, bucking movements, 4" ROM (that's all he had, too...) and that FACE - really, it's priceless.

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