To Hollywood Lifter: As you lift, you fill the gym with your grunts, groans and sounds that defy description. You like the attention. Yes, you have some big muscles. But you also have a pony tail and goatee and that makes you ridiculous. You think it makes you look like a badass. You're half right.
To Shower Honker: What you do in your own shower is your own business. But when you share the shower room with other people, most of us would appreciate you NOT covering the floor with your snot rockets. I simply don't have faith that your nasal cannons can aim well enough to hit the drain with any sort of consistency.
To Bearded Guy with Two Hot Girls: You kick ass and I want to know your story. Who are those girls? Are you their trainer? Are they your girlfriends? Is it your girlfriend and her friend? Her sister? Her roommate? Can I have one? You, sir, are an inspiration.
To Gay Asian Guy: You've dropped some weight and toned up quite a bit since you started at the gym and you are to be congratulated for that. Congratulations. Now stop wearing those shirts that say "bitch" and "twink." I have no problem with gay people. God bless you and yours. But about the last thing I want to see whilst weakly attempting to incline chest press is one of your less-than-clever shirts declaring your sexuality as you squat in front of me.
To Elijah Wood: You look just like him. Now change your nasty shirt, Frodo. But I do like your little tattoo and the band it represents. Seriously, a band tattoo? To each his own, I guess.
To Intense Blonde Girl: You really don't **** around. You lift crazy weights considering how thin you are. Now I'm just throwing out ideas here, but maybe we could go out for coffee sometime and get married. Just a thought.
To Skinny Old Guy: You're pretty cool. I like you. That's why I'm going to recommend that you try pushing less weight. You're strong for your size, but I'm surprised you're still alive and functioning with the way you overload the machines and struggle mightily with the weights. Slow and steady wins the race. Plus, I don't want to have to pick your torn-off limbs up off the floor for you.
To Braces Guy: I know what you do with the weights before you leave a machine. Who are you trying to impress? Maybe I shouldn't care so much about this, but I hate to see you waste your effort trying to convince the rest of us of how strong you are. God loves all his children equally...Except liars, Braces Guy. Except liars.
To Hardcore Trainer: I don't care if you WERE a Navy Seal; I swear to god, if you yell out "You da man!" to a client one more time, I'm going to fill out a comment card with SO many negative comments regarding your abilities, it'll make your head spin. And if you weren't roughly 76 times my size, I'd cockpunch you. Every time I hear you yell out that catch-phrase from the 90s, I want to walk up to you and say, "No, sir...YOU da man!"
To Walking Pharmacy: I've never seen someone carry that many juices, powders and pills around with them. You're like a walking GNC. Apparently they work because you're built like Stallone (circa 1985), but your face looks just like Matt Stone, glasses and all. I'm really tempted to come up to you and ask you to do the Kyle Broslofski voice, but I'm afraid you'd eat my head for protein.
Anyway, you guys are actually great and you make each and every evening at the gym much more interesting and entertaining. Our quirks make us who we are and I wouldn't change any of you. Except for you, Mr. Shower Honker. That's just gross.