Wow. Thanks everybody.
Just a few statements:
-Twilomike is right on target as to what I am writing. It is a high school class in which I am writing an essay to send in to colleges (for scholarships and applications). It is not supposed to have traditional essay structure.
-I did not use a thesaurus. I guess I tend to overstate things w/ unnecessary words.
-anyone have a better title suggestion? How about: "knowledge is power"?
In my Humanities class, I usually get a's and b's on my papers, and he says one of my strong points is fluency. And believe me its not easy to get an a in there. So I don't know what my deal is w/ this one. Probably the biggest reason is that I did virtually no outlining or preparation; I was a little bit hurried. Somone said I should just re-write it but I have to turn it in in a few hrs...so I'll try to apply all the advice as best I can. I'll let you guys know how it turns out.