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Thread: Chris Farley SNL Quotes

  1. #1
    Still Plugging Away -TIM-'s Avatar
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    Chris Farley SNL Quotes

    Pointless, but funny. Enjoy.


    Memorable Quotes from
    Saturday Night Live: The Best of Chris Farley (1998) (TV)


    Matt Foley: Hey you kids are probably saying to yourselves: I'm gonna go out there and grab the world by the tail! and wrap it around and pull it down and put it in my pocket. Well I'm here to tell you that you're probably going to find out, as you go out there, that you're not going to amount to jack squat!

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    Bob Swerski: Todd was kind enough to show up today even though earlier this week he had yet another heart attack.
    Todd O'Connor: That's okay, Bob, this one's a speculation, I just gotta limit my pork intake to 400 grams a day.
    Carl Molarski: That's tough.
    Todd O'Connor: Yeah well the doc says I got a piece of Polish sausage lodged in the lining of my arc.

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    Chris Farley: Now you were also in The Purple Rose of Cairo?
    Jeff Daniels: Yes I was.
    Chris Farley: Remember when you were doing your movie and Mia Farrow was watching and you, um, came down from the screen and talked to her and you were in black and white when you were on screen but then when you talked to her, you were in color.
    Jeff Daniels: Yeah what about it?
    Chris Farley: You remember that?

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    Chris Farley: You remember when you were with the Beatles?
    Paul McCartney: Yes.
    Chris Farley: That was awesome.

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    Chris Farley: Remember when you were with the Beatles and you were supposed to be dead, and there were all these clues, like you play some song backwards and it'd say, like "Paul is Dead" and everybody thought you were dead and, um, that was a hoax right?
    Paul McCartney: Yeah, I wasn't really dead.

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    Chris Farley: I think we got time for one more question. Remember when you were in the Beatles and you did that album Abbey Road and at the very end of the song, it went: 'And in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make'. You remember that?
    Paul McCartney: Yes.
    Chris Farley: Um, is that true?

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    Kevin Nealon: And now here with another commentary is update commentary, Bennet Brauer.
    Bennet Brauer: That's right, Bennet Brauer here with another commentary. Didn't think the suits would have me back perhaps. Thought they'd have my dairy-air replaced by one of tem store mannequin well maybe I'm not "the norm". I'm not "camera friendly", I don't "wear clothes that fit me", I'm not a "heartbreaker", I haven't had "sex with a woman", I don't know "how that works", I don't "fall in line", I'm not "hygienic", I don't "wipe properly", I lack "style", I don't have "self-esteem", I have no "charisma", I don't "own a toothbrush", I don't "let my scabs heal", I can't "reach all the parts of my body", when I sleep I sweat profusely. But I guess the powers that be will keep signing my pay check until Jack and Jane K. Viewer start to go for the remote so they can get back to commentators who don't "frighten children", who don't "eat their own dandruff", who don't "pop their whiteheads with a compass they used in high school". Thank you, Kevin.
    Kevin Nealon: Bennet Brauer, ladies and gentlemen.

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    El Nino: I am El Nino. Yo soy El Nino. For those of you who don't habla espanol, El Nino is Spanish for: The Nino.

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    Matt Foley: Well I see one solution! And that is to get my gear and move in with you! We're gonna be buddies! We're gonna be pals! Just me and my buddies!
    [Picks up Son]
    Matt Foley: I'm gonna get my gear!
    Dad: Ym, actually, Matt, you don't have to do that.
    Matt Foley: I don't really give a rat's behind. I'm moving in. I'm tired of living in a van down by the river!

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    Matt Foley: I'm 35 years old and I live in a van down by the river!

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    Chris Farley: Remember when I was talking to you about the Terminator?
    Paul McCartney: Yeah.
    Chris Farley: You should see that movie. It's pretty awesome.

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    Matt Foley: Now from what I hear, you're usng your paper not for writing but for rollin' doobies! You're gonna be doing alot of doobie rolling when you're living in a van down by the river!

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    Matt Foley: Now you kids are probably saying to yourselves, "Hey Matt, how can we get back on the right track?" And the answer is that I get my gear and move in with you. We're gonna be BUDDIES. We're gonna be PALS. Here's you, there's Matt, here's you, here's Matt...
    [Falls on coffee table]

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    Matt Foley: Young man what do you wanna do with your life?
    Son: Well actually, Matt, I kinda wanna be a writer.
    Matt Foley: Well loddy-freakin'-dah! We got ourselves a writer here! Hey, Dad, I can't see too good is that Bill Shakespeare over there?

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    Chris Farley: One of your films was very controversial, it was The Last Temptation of Christ. Based on the book by um... Nicosca... Nicocassacus.
    Martin Scorsese: It's a movie about the duel nature of Christ.
    Chris Farley: You remember in that one scene when Jesus goes into the temple and the money changers are there. And Jesus starts punching them out, starts dumping them over tables and he just loses it on this one guy?
    Martin Scorsese: Yeah, what about it?
    Chris Farley: Was that your idea?
    Martin Scorsese: No it's from The New Temptation, it's the Bible.

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    Bennet Brauer: Don't wanna watch commentators who don't "Leave old dried up deodorant cakes under their arms for weeks at a time" and...
    Bennet Brauer: [Ropes and hooks pull him upwards]
    Bennet Brauer: I'm flying. I'm flying. Holy Schnikies!
    [rope gets caught on lighting equipment]
    Bennet Brauer: I have a weight problem. *Can't* they lift me?

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    Chris Farley: You remember when you went to Japan and at the airport they arrested you because you had some pot and it made all the papers and everything?
    Paul McCartney: Well to be honest, Chris, I'd kinda like to forget all that.
    Chris Farley: Oh.
    [Slaps self]
    Chris Farley: Idiot! So stupid! That was a dumb question!

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    Chris Farley: Thank you, Paul McCartney for being one of the greatest, um, rock, I mean a living legend and um, a legend of rock and roll and um, just thanks for beging on the show and...
    [Slaps self]
    Chris Farley: GOD damn! Stupid!
    Paul McCartney: You did fine, Chris.
    Best way to cheat on deadlifts...

    Stand there for a few minutes, then pace back and forth a lot, huff and puff, wait until everybody's looking. Approach the bar. Back off. Approach it again. Back off. Get some water. Chalk up. Approach the bar again. Then spray some more chalk around. Wait until people start losing interest. When nobody's looking, pick it a little off the floor, and slam it down. Jump up and yell "LIGHT WEIGHT BABY". Then give high fives all around. - Belial

  2. #2
    Super Moderator RBB's Avatar
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    good stuff, tim. farley was great. it was pretty sad to see him go out the way he did.


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  3. #3
    Go Heels! MixmasterNash's Avatar
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    More quotes:
    Farley: I'm fat (look at me!) and stupid and not at all funny and I ran SNL into the cold dead ground alongside my bloated corpse.

    The journal / I live here.

    If I were to start from scratch as a young 13 year old again, I would do every press, squat, and perhaps deadlifts, for my entire career with chains. -- Dan John

  4. #4
    Om. Avocado. MM's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by MixmasterNash
    More quotes:
    Farley: I'm fat (look at me!) and stupid and not at all funny and I ran SNL into the cold dead ground alongside my bloated corpse.
    Hmm... I don't remember that one. Was it when Christopher Walken hosted?
    Don't hate the player. Hate the game.


  5. #5
    Senior Member Canadian Crippler's Avatar
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    The van down by the river segment is absolutely priceless.
    "I added some db curls with the pink weights for a bit of a burn." - Rookiebldr

    "im assuming the holy (big) 3 are: curls, bench, legs?" - Saggas

    "had a huge ass burn on my triceps while I was doing those kickbacks, so they'll likely be staying with my exercise program." - Zearoth

    "most of my burned calories coming from something called Basal. Wtf does a leaf have to do with any of it?" - Votorx

    "We have a lot of people like that on our campus, all hippies and things, that go around preaching against corporations, jocks, preps, accountants, and anyone else that feels the need to shower more than occasionally." - Shankerr

    "Damn man why are some women just so demonic and evil.. its like you wanna get a stake and mallet and an erection at the same time." - WBBIRL

  6. #6
    Wannabebig New Member HahnB's Avatar
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    I love the one where he's in that restaurant drinkin coffee and they tell him that they switched his coffee with decaf and he goes insane.
    My brother and I were brutal. I once chased him around the house with a spoon that I put on the burner. I burned that little pricks leg. -sharkall2003

    Then I saw a little african boy sleeping, and I thought...that is little Okeke. he is tired from herding all the goats and the big goat got away today - Rock

  7. #7
    Still Plugging Away -TIM-'s Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by HahnB
    I love the one where he's in that restaurant drinkin coffee and they tell him that they switched his coffee with decaf and he goes insane.
    Excuse me? It's decaf? Son of a bitch! YOU LIED TO ME! That's a great one.
    Best way to cheat on deadlifts...

    Stand there for a few minutes, then pace back and forth a lot, huff and puff, wait until everybody's looking. Approach the bar. Back off. Approach it again. Back off. Get some water. Chalk up. Approach the bar again. Then spray some more chalk around. Wait until people start losing interest. When nobody's looking, pick it a little off the floor, and slam it down. Jump up and yell "LIGHT WEIGHT BABY". Then give high fives all around. - Belial

  8. #8
    Professional hobbit Focused70's Avatar
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    Matt Foley: Motivational Speaker

    Dad.....Phil Hartman
    Stacy.....Christina Applegate
    Mom.....Julia Sweeney
    Brian.....David Spade
    Matt Foley.....Chris Farley




    [ open on a family's front living room, everyone seated on opposite couches ]

    Dad: Brian? Stacy? Your mother, Ellen, and I are so glad you decided to join us for this Family Communication session.

    Stacy: So, what's up? You guys getting divorced, or something?

    Mom: No. We just wanted the family to talk as a group.

    Brian: Okay. Well, let's get it started.

    Mom: Okay. Well, Stacy, Brian.. your father, Ted, and I are a little bit concerned. Cecilia, the cleaning lady, was in the family room, and she found a bag of pot.

    Stacy: [ anxious ] She didn't smoke it, did she?

    Mom: No! She didn't smoke it.

    Dad: Now, we're not here to "come down on you" I mean, that's not what we're about, okay?

    Mom: We're just concerned that pot could lead to other things.

    Dad: Crack. Ice. Boom. Pow.

    Mom: Well, we know you don't want to hear this from us.

    Dad: Sure! I mean we're your parents! Who wants to hear this stuff from their parents, huh?

    Mom: Your father and I came up with a brilliant idea to give you kids some direction - a motivational speaker.

    Dad: Yeah. One of those guys who speaks to big groups at high schools and churches.

    Stacy: You mean, to come to the house?

    Mom: Yeah.

    [ the kids get up to leave ]

    Dad: Hey, come on, you guys. This set me back a few bucks. Okay, his name is Matt Foley. Now, he's been down in the basement drinking coffee for about the last four hours, and he should be all ready to go. I'll call him up. [ opens the basement door ] Matt, we're ready for you! [ turns to the kids ] His speech is called "Go For It!" Now, he's used to big groups, so make him feel like there's a crowd here. [ calls down the basement again ] Matt! Come on up, buddy!

    Matt Foley: [ runs up the stairs, bouncing back and forth as he talks ] Alright, how's everybody? Good! Good! Good! Now, as your father probably told you, my name is Matt Foley, and I am a Motivational Speaker! Now, let's get started by me giving you a little bit of a scenario of what my life is all about! First off, I am 35 years old.. I am divorced.. and I live in a van down by the river! Now, you kids are probably saying to yourself, "Now, I'm gonna go out, and I'm gonna get the world by the tail, and wrap it around and put it in my pocket!!" Well, I'm here to tell you that you're probably gonna find out, as you go out there, that you're not gonna amount to Jack Squat!!" You're gonna end up eating a steady diet of government cheese, and living in a van down by the river! Now, young man, what do you want to do with your life?

    Brian: [ nervous ] I.. actually, Matt.. I kinda wanna be a writer..

    Matt Foley: We-e-e-elll.. la-de-freakin'-da! We've got ourselves a writer here! [ jumps across the room ] Hey, Dad, I can't see real good.. [ lifts his glasses off and on his face ] ..is that Bill Shakespeare over there?

    Dad: Well, actually, Matt.. Ellen and I have encouraged Brian in his writing.

    Matt Foley: Dad, I wish you could just shut your big yapper! [ stumbles back across the room ] Now, I wonder.. Brian, from what I've heard, you're using your paper, not for writing, but for rolling doobies!! You're gonna be doing a lot of doobie-rolling when you're living in a van down by the river! [ turns to Stacy ] Young lady, what do you want to do with your life?!

    Stacy: [ sarcastic ] I want to live in a van down by the river.

    Matt Foley: Well, you'll have plenty of time to live in a van down by the river when you're.. [ tries to be clever ] ..living in a van down by the river! Now, you kids are probably asking yourself, "Hey, Matt, how can we get back on the right track?!" Well, as I see it, there is only one solution! And that is for me to get my gear, move it on into here, 'cause I'm gonna bunk with you, buddy! We're gonna be buddies! We're gonna be pals! [ picks Brian up ] We're gonna wrassle around! [ puts Brian down ] Ol' Matt's gonna be your shadow! [ motions] Here's Matt, here's you! There's Matt, there's you! [ trips and falls flat on the coffee table, sending it crashing to the floor ] Whoops-a-daisy! [ stands up ] We're gonna have to clean that up later! Me and my buddies! My pals! My amigos! I'm gonna go get my gear! [ heads for the door ]

    Brian: [ runs after Matt ] Wait, Matt! You don't have to go!

    Stacy: [ runs behind Brian ] Yeah, you don't have to do that! We'll never smoke pot again!

    Dad: Uh, Matt, thanks for all you've done!

    Matt Foley: I don't give a rat's behind, 'cause I'm moving in! I'm sick and tired of living in a van down by the river!
    [ as Matt steps outside to grab his gear, Dad quickly locks the front door ]

    Dad: [ frightened ] Is the back door locked?

    Mom: [ petrified ] Yes!

    Stacy: We love you, Dad!

    Dad: I love you, too!

    [ fade out on family group hug ]
    You can view the skit here.
    Last edited by Focused70; 05-15-2006 at 05:16 PM.
    me: so this is the "pump" you speak of
    me: I could never figure out what people were talking about
    Relentless: like an all over body hardon, yeah


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  9. #9
    DeaTH BeFoRe WeaKNeSs sCaRz*Of*PaiN's Avatar
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    When he died...I told everyone at school. Nobody believed me. People suck. R.I.P. Mr. Farley.
    "The only easy day was yesterday."

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