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View Full Version : Radical new exercise and diet regimen!



JohnCollins
08-22-2002, 08:05 AM
Finally. . .a lifestyle I can really stick with! :clap:

I sent an E-Mail to my doctor and asked him some very detailed questions about health and nutrition. He had some excellent advice...

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it .... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable slop.

Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?
A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As we all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three categories: animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know that beer and wine are not animal, and they are not on the periodic table of elements, so that only leaves one thing, right? My advice: Have a burger and a beer and enjoy your liquid vegetables.

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good.

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: You're not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: What's the secret to healthy eating?
A: Thicker gravy.

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? Hello..... Cocoa beans... Another vgetable!!! "It's the best feel good food around!"

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. Have a cookie... flour is a veggie!

One more thing ... "When life hands you lemons, ask for a bottle of tequila and salt."

Wizard
08-22-2002, 08:09 AM
Bollox

Relentless
08-22-2002, 08:11 AM
LOL!

Too funny.

Ritzol
08-22-2002, 09:58 PM
Originally posted by JohnCollins
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.




Is that true, because while I think it's not, I'm not sure because I've heard that before.

Kayak_boy
08-22-2002, 10:02 PM
LMFAO!!!!

EdgarMex
08-23-2002, 02:21 PM
So now it turns out I was living the right way up until 5 months ago when I started working out. Well, I'll be damned. I'm going to print this out and show it to my wife and give her hell for making me change my healthy way of life.

:D

RussianRocket
08-23-2002, 02:29 PM
LOL

Spawn_X
08-23-2002, 02:44 PM
Originally posted by Ritzol



Is that true, because while I think it's not, I'm not sure because I've heard that before.

I hope you're joking..

I hope everyone knows that's a joke...

NateDogg
08-23-2002, 02:48 PM
Originally posted by Spawn_X


I hope you're joking..

I hope everyone knows that's a joke...

Um...dude, that is true for the most part. Sit-ups do not give you a flat stomach, they simply get your abs into better shape under the fat.

NateDogg
08-23-2002, 02:50 PM
Originally posted by Ritzol



Is that true, because while I think it's not, I'm not sure because I've heard that before.

I guess the part about that that is true is that sit-ups will not give you a hard stomach. The part that is false is that you should only do sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Spawn_X
08-23-2002, 02:58 PM
"Originally posted by JohnCollins
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach."

Only part that's true is the Definitely not! The reasoning for it and the rest is a fib - that is what I was referring to.

Didn't really mean to say that situps help u lose your belly.. they don't help for ****.

Orange357
08-23-2002, 10:22 PM
LMAO!

PowerManDL
08-23-2002, 10:45 PM
Originally posted by Ritzol
Is that true, because while I think it's not, I'm not sure because I've heard that before.

Don't make me start with the blond jokes.

JohnCollins
08-24-2002, 06:32 AM
Oh, PLEEEZ do. Another thread????:nod:

TreeTrunks
08-24-2002, 07:47 AM
LOL!!!